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Should I love him?

Published on March 24, 2014 by bea1328

I am a 20 year old female. I am feeling especially lost regarding relationships and love at the moment. I have always been terrified of love, but recently I've been wanting it more and more. I have never had a romantic relationship or been intimate with anyone. There is a man in my life now who I care about deeply, he has been a close friend for probably 2 years now, and now he told me he loves me, all he thinks about is kissing me, he dreams about me all night, but I am scared. He is 35 and not afraid of his feelings or intimacy. I know he cares for me a lot and will never force or pressure me into a romantic relationship. I just don’t know how I feel, how can I love the same as he? When he understands love and so much more, so much more than I do. I don’t know if I love him as much as he loves me. I don’t know if I will ever love anyone.

ANSWERS

It is totally normal to be confused at 20, but if your fears about love originate from being hurt in the past, you might want to consider some therapy to help you sort all that out. Childhood trauma can cause serious hiccups in your ability to love and relate as an adult. If instead, these are average, run of the mill anxieties about love and vulnerability, it might be helpful to take a step back. Try to avoid thinking so much about the future and trying to label this as "love" or "not love". Instead, just focus on enjoying the moments and seeing where it leads. Taking your time can give you the objectivity you need to help you decide if this is a relationship worth the risk.

Dear bea1328,

If you've never had a romantic relationship or been intimate with anyone, what exactly is it that terrifies you about love? It sounds like maybe you didn't grow up in a home where love was stable and available all the time? I don't know your particular specifics, but for someone to be so terrified at such a young age, yet claims to have had no experiences, it sounds like some sort of trauma has occurred, or you didn't get what you needed emotionally from your family as your foundation for love growing up. As the other person above said, it is totally normal to be confused about love at 20, and at any age really.

All I can tell you is that love is a risk and doesn't have any guarantee of return on investment. Everyone's risk is the same. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't. If you really want it, you simply have to make up your mind to do it and jump right in. If you have someone you've known for 2 years and have been friends, and who is willing to not force you into anything, than he sounds like a safe investment to embark on this journey with, but again, there are never guarantees. He is 35 and you are 20. You are in a much different place in your life than he is, but that doesn't mean it can't work. He sounds like a really nice guy.

You can love as he does, you just have to open your heart and allow yourself to feel. Love can be very painful when it doesn't work out, but it is also euphoric at times and lifts you up to places you never thought you could go. Decide what you want to just go for it. You will learn a lot as you go along and just remember, some risks are worth taking, decide if this is one worth taking for you.

Good luck!

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