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Should I leave my insecure girlfriend?

Published on September 16, 2013 by jemono

I have been with my gf for 6 years. She has always been jealous / insecure, despite the fact I am a real 'homebody' - never go out, always at home etc. This changed 18 months ago when I got a job that means I stay overnight with colleagues once every couple of months - we have a meeting and then go out for some beers - granted it can be a late night.

A couple of months into the job, one of my colleagues sent me a drunk text suggesting sex. My response was a squeaky clean 'no thanks', and very to the point about it. He was really embarrassed the next day and fully apologetic.

My gf saw this (she reads my phone and emails - I have no privacy)and has spent over a year making my life a misery because of it. I have to go away with work still, and when I do I face days of moods and silent treatment before and after. I am walking on eggshells in my own home. It is really making me so unhappy, but it seems a shame to throw 6 years away for something that imo is so ridiculous. It was so bad she started counselling 9 months ago, but this seems to have made no difference (or she chooses not to use the tools they have equipped her with).

I want to help her, but her response seems so disproportionate to the 'crime' it is increasingly hard to be patient with her, and I cant help but get cross with her in return for what I think are crazy allegations and demands for 'proof' I love her. The latest issue was that the colleague in question posted a photo of us on FB from a corporate hospitality day event - just a day event, team and customers all there (about 20 of us in total). 15 months on from the 'crime' she demands I make him take the photo down as it is really upsetting her, and when I didn't, apparently that now shows I don't care about her feelings at all and that I don't love / support her. She said she would have to look after herself and proceeded to send my colleague messages on facebook about how he has ruined our relationship. I just think that 2 grown ups having to behave a certain way to ensure her feelings aren't smarted from something relatively insignificant over a year ago is really disproportionate - she could have just deleted the photo herself if she didn't want to see it.

FYI - I think (but I suppose we all do) that I am a good partner - I buy her presents regularly, take her on nice holidays, cook, tidy, do the shopping etc etc, I think I am emotionally intelligent and do try to talk to her...so its making me feel even more like I should just leave and find someone else who would appreciate me.

So..I guess I am after a reality check - am I being really selfish and inconsiderate, or is she being too demanding? I just cant carry on with the relationship as is, I want it fixed but it seems an impossible task when she simply doesn't trust me and expects our entire relationship (and other peoples behaviour) to revolve around her feelings.

Help!

ANSWERS

I think it's time for a candid discussion with your girlfriend. Lay it all out on the table. How her actions are driving a wedge between you, etc. I think it's important to realize that you can't make someone want to change. So you have to decide after you've laid it all out there where you draw the line on handling the insecurity.

From what you've described here, you do sound like a good, understanding partner. I think in this situation, communication really is key. You said your girlfriend started counseling... have you considered going with her? Couples counseling could help the two of you work out your problems together and really express what's bothering you without it turning into an argument or the silent treatment. It sounds like your girlfriend may have other trust issues aside from that text message. Perhaps she's sitting at home worrying what you're up to when you spend the night elsewhere. Since there was such a change in your schedule (staying home often vs. spending nights away), the shift in routine has shaken her a bit. Maybe she thinks there's more going on than an innocent text (which I do think you handled the right way, btw) but is too afraid or angry to say anything. Really think about your feelings toward her aside from these issues. Do you love her? Do you want to have a future together? If you're doubting any of this, don't just stick together and live in misery because you're afraid of a failed relationship. Definitely talk this out with her in great detail, and seek the aid of a counselor or therapist for additional support.

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