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Should I leave him for good?

Published on January 16, 2012 by lapanda

I've been dating this guy on and off for about 1.5 years. We live a few blocks away from each other so we never have a problem spending time together. This past summer we had two huge issues. One time I asked him to come with me to drop my old roommate from college, "Betty" off at her apartment. During the ride, Betty mentioned that she wanted me to show her around because she was new to the area. A few days later he sends her the following message on facebook (and of course she tells me about it immediately after reading it): I'm going to be upfront with you,, i thought you were attractive and cool when i met you... i like hanging out with those type of ppl.. not sure if your free this thursday ,,but its a club im goin to hit up downtown on lake st. should be pretty nice if you wanna hang out let me know .. thats a invite to let u kno,lol!

My friend didn't respond, but she did say it was weird/awkward and made her feel uncomfortable. When I confronted him he said he was just trying to invite her to a club so he could hook her up with his friend that was visiting from California. Now, he did tell me before he messaged her that he wanted all of us to go to a party this weekend. After this I told him we were over and I didn't speak to him until about a month later when he came knocking on my door in the dead of night begging to talk to me.

I'm also friends with a girl, we'll call her Amy my boyfriend used to date back in 2006. Amy dated my boyfriend for a short while, then started a more serious relationship with his friend. Her and I met at church and we had no clue that we both knew him until a few weeks into our friendship. Anyway, back in November he sends her a text message similar to this: "Hey, I'm mad at you. I always liked you and I was jealous you started dating my friend." Amy responded with "why you you text me some crap like that and you're sleeping with my friend!" He then got mad and asked why she would forward the text to me. He then called me and said Amy was childish and took the conversation the wrong way, but I (again) stopped talking to him because he should have never sent her those messages in the first place. Zoom forward about 3 weeks, here comes my boyfriend asking for another chance... Things have been smooth so far, but I can't get over these two events. I have the day off today because of the holiday, so I picked my boyfriend up and drove him to the train for work this morning. I then went to the gym and ran some errands, but for some reason I kept thinking about him trying to get at my friends! It got so bad I got a migraine. I just feel like these indiscretions are something I can not deal with.

ANSWERS

Dear Lapanda, Trust your instincts! The beginning of the relationship is already filled with doubt and your boyfriend's excuses are lame. It's just a question of when you will get hurt again.

He's shown you who he is. Believe him! You are worthy of a man you can trust. He's not ready to be in a commited relatonship with one woman. You need to have a backbone for your own good. Break up with him. Tell him to never contact you again. If he shows up, don't answer the door. If he calls, don't answer. He'll eventually get tired of trying and move on. You are the treasure. You call the shots. Pick a man who meets all of your main needs and shares your ethics. It's called compatibility. Good luck.

Then you already have your answer. I believe everyone deserves to be trusted but I may think of trust a little differently. Like Married said, I trust everyone to do what they've already shown me they do. Not that people can't change, they can. But changed that lasts does not come from a demand made by a loved one. Your "boyfriend" is not unhappy with who he is so it's unlikely he'll do anything differently. He asked for another chance and all you did was give him another chance to hurt and disappoint you. You deserve better than that. If you want an exclusive relationship, there are people willing to provide that.

It appears that he does not deserve to have you and you are willing to settle for not being his absolute priority in terms of relationships. If he is behaving this way with your friends now, how do you think he will be if you were to be in a committed relationship? It is up to you to set the standard for who you will allow to enter your life. You have tolerated his behavior in the past which will be the standard unless you raise the bar. I agree with Kim that you deserve better.

If someone is giving you that much of a headache and he isn't your husband, why are you trying so hard to "work it out"? Leave him alone and find someone that doesn't make you feel like you have to worry about him trying to date your friends.

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