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Give Advice: Should I Ignore My Fiancé's Drinking Habit?

Published on August 16, 2012 by rayray113

My fiance drinks at least once a week, usually a 12 pack by himself while he's just playing video games or watching tv. I don't mind drinking, but its one thing to have like 2, and another to have 12. He keeps getting upset with me when I talk to him about it, telling me he doesn't want me to try and "change" him. I am not trying to change him, I just think its unnecessary to drink 12 beers by yourself. I don't know what to do, and we are getting married in less than 3 months. I do not want to live with that for the rest of my life, but it's the only flaw in our relationship, but it's not changing. He never used to do this when we were first together, this past year he recently got a new job, and since then it has been getting worse. I guess I just need some advice. I have tried yelling at him, talking calmly, talking caringly, every tactic.

ANSWERS

Drinking himself into a drunken stupor is apparently how he deals with stress, which is NOT a good sign (or do you think nothing stressful will ever occur in your marriage?).

He's an alcoholic and he always will be. You have to decide now (and think real hard about it), before you marry him, if you want to live the rest of your life with an alcoholic.

If you decide you do want to marry him, make it absolutely conditional on him getting help in battling his addiction (therapy, an Alcoholics Anonymous type support group, etc.) and staying dry - no more alcohol. Also keep a sharp eye that he doesn't just substitute some other addiction for the alcohol. If he won't make this commitment and stick to it, refuse to marry him.

Get yourself to an AL ANON meeting immediately. They will be able to educate you on a loved one who has a drinking problem, better than anyone, and what you need to do that will be the best thing for yourself. Do not marry him. I don't care if the invitations have been sent out or you don't get the refund back from the reception hall you rented. This is your life. Choosing a lifetime partner is one of the most important decisions you'll ever make. Go to AL ANON, talk to others who have experienced what you have, read articles and books on the subject, and then you can make an educated decision. If you're not happy with how things are in the present, don't live in la land and think things will get better. They very well may get worse, and he might even be doing some drinking in private. Everyone has flaws, and you shouldn't reject a man with minor flaws like leaving his socks on the floor, but alchoholism is a major flaw and should be a dealbreaker. Good luck.

Don't ignore it. This is a very serious red flag. I agree with safire1023, get to an Alanon meeting immediately and to educate yourself and see what your in for if you marry him. This is not something you can ever fix. If he doesn't think it's a problem, it will only get worse. Is this something you want to live with for the rest of your life?

I don't believe you didn't notice that your man liked his booze a little too much before you accepted his proposal. Do you really think that he is going to change? The time to address your fiance's alcohol abuse was yesterday. You are engaged and already noticing behaviors that are intolerable. You admit that nothing has changed. Believe me, it won't get better after you get married. In fact, it will only get worse. How much worse will it be when there are children involved? Addictions take away your partner's energy, attention, and spirit, just as much as if he were having an affair with another woman. His mistress is alcohol. Bottom line: none of us can force anyone else to change, because change must be internally driven. Far better that you postpone the wedding for at least two years, perhaps even indefinitely. Tell your fiance' in no uncertain terms that you will not marry him until he gets professional help for his excessive drinking and shows consistent long-term sobriety. Then end the relationship. I know a broken engagement hurts- I've been there. But it is nothing compared to the pain of a bad marriage.

I'm going to have to go with a less popular opinion and ask why you want him to change his drinking. Does he get mean when he drinks? Angry? Depressed? Irritable? Self-injurious? Granted, yes, drinking that much isn't healthy, but if that's the only thing that bothers you about it, then that's the equivalent of not wanting to marry somebody because they have a poor diet--both are choices, both can cause permanent damage. If he IS any of those things, then yes, he certainly has a problem.

But I can tell you that he will not change unless he wants to. Few people truly change their lives unless they actually want to. Yelling only makes people frustrated and feel like they can't talk to whomever is yelling at them.

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