Should I give it another "whirl" or "move on"? I'm confused!
My question is a bit "complicated" but hopefully someone out there can help by assisting me with good, meaningful advice. I'd appreciate it
greatly! I'm STILL truly in love with my ex which whom we've known each other for going on 5 years this upcoming summer. We met each
other when we were pretty young - in our late teens through a buddy of mine, which he happened to know as well and then we all hung out
and that's how I met him. To answer your question to what you may be thinking no, our friend did NOT play "matchmaker" or try to get us
to go out - the chemistry between him and I happened on it's own. I gave up for "looking for love" at that point in my life anyways. I was
afraid at that time because I felt as though he really liked me alot and I was shocked to see the effort he was putting into getting to know
me for me. All in all, I truly believe after getting to know him through the years that he's a gentleman, respectful and genuine type of guy.
Through out the years after we had met and all, I considered our realtionship status as a "complicated" or "rocky realtionship." Don't get me
wrong, we hardly ever argued with each other and everytime I was with him I felt more and more than he's "the one" and my true soulmate.
I believe that we were put on this earth for each other to be together. Falling in love with him "just happened." Him and I talked openly
about things and in the past I felt as though I should just "give up" for awhile because I felt as though sometimes he wouldn't take me as
serisously as I would have liked him to. But, all in all, we both saw eye-to-eye on many topics and subjects. He's the type of person that
had a difficult time opening himself up to me TOO MUCH ever since we met, which maybe is a GOOD thing. Anyways, to cut to the chase, a
couple of years ago, I came to find out that he was fooling around on me with another woman, among other things that I will not get into
detail about. I stopped talking to him as soon as I found that out. I was very hurt, confused and disgusted with his behavior. I thought that
him and I already had laid the "foundation" on our relationship through the years prior. I guess I was wrong. I couldn't stop thinking about
what I did wrong to make him sexually interested in another woman as much as he was. I couldn't find an answer - there wasn't a fight or
anything. I didn't and STILL don't understand what made him do that to me. We got "re-united" down the road, I cannot recall how
exactly, he either called me or we ran into one another at a house party or something. Anyways, he was civil to me as was I, but it was
akward to say the least for me. I didn't know what to expect or if he had that woman there with him - which would have killed my heart
ever more than it already was. As more time had passed, he talked openly with me about the "other woman" and how horrible she was, etc.,
etc. among other things I will not get into detail about. He basically said that "she doesn't compare to me. He is STILL in love with me and
he's through with her. He told her to never contact him again." (This conversation was in person with him and I by the way). He was very
serious, seemed upset with his actions and behavior and very sincere to me for hurting me that way. I forgave him for those reasons. When
I asked him "did you have sex with her?" He looked me straight in the eye and replied with "no". I believe I asked a few other times or
occassions as well. I wanted to make sure before I got sexual with him again and I also wanted an HONEST answer is all. He always stuck
with NO though. I took our "rocky/complicated relationship" (even more so than years before) very, very, slow and cautiousley after all this.
Just to protect myself and my own safety. As well as I didn't want to get HURT by him AGAIN - so I lost TRUST I had enstilled in him
prior to all this. Which was normal for me to feel I believe. As more time passed, 5 months down the road from this last conversation
between him and I, I came to find out that he in fact DID have sex with that woman, among other things that I will not get into detail
about. As I write this now as I look forward to other's advice and input that was now 4 months ago that I found out he did in fact have sex
with her. I realize this is long, kind of off subject and confusing, which I apologize for, but I just wanted to give a clear, full picture of the
entire situation the best I possibly could. I really need help from those who've "been there, gone through that" or how I should handle this
all. Honestly, I don't know how to begin to "move on" and I really feel as though he is my soulmate, then again, I realize if I get in contact
with him again in a sense, I'm giving him the "okay" to possibly hurt me AGAIN and think that I'm just a "pushover". I have a REALLY,
REALLY hard time being ASSERTIVE and MEAN to him (in general) because I have such STRONG feelings that we are meant for one
another, so that's my problem I sometimes hate the fact that I'm TOO NICE and TOO FORGIVING. I'm just being honest, so the more
responses and detailed advice, the better. I don't mind reading long answers because this is driving me CRAZY and I need as much ADVICE
as I can get! I have so many EMOTIONS that it's CONFUSING to myself. Not discussing it is NOT healthy either, then I just feel like a
"gerbile in a wheel" constantly! F.Y.I. - As of 2 weeks ago today, I came to find out that he's SINGLE and I started writting him a outline
of a letter (my therapist recommended I do this. Then again, I didn't tell my therapist this whole long story either keep in mind. Alot of it
is "old news" really. So that's why I'm reaching out for help here. From real people. My buddies aren't even emotionally supportive of me
discussing this with them anymore, so I'm completely stuck.) I've been doing EVERYTHING in my power to get my personal life "back on
track" lately and been going to therapy to work on bettering my own communication skills with my family and others important in my own life.
I'm on the right track, but this whole "complicated relationship" stuff is a whole DIFFERENT circumstances! Thank you to those you took the
time to read this and give me your input. It means alot to me.
Sweetheart, you are very young, with your whole life ahead of you. Move on. He will most definitely hurt you again.It's a part of young people having relationships,to hurt each other. But you seriously need to get on with your life and open yourself dating other guys. There is no ONE person we are destined for. That is a fairytale.
And you're right, just the fact that you are presenting such a vulnerable target will invite people to walk all over you. It doesn't mean you have to pretend to be mean or aggressive or become that way. It just means that you have to be very careful who you trust. Just because someone looks you in the eyes is no reason to believe they are telling the truth. Most people lie. A LOT. Young men, at that age, lie. A lot. You should tell your therapist everything you wrote here. Or print it out and give it to her/him. Good Luck, and realize your worth. Let NO ONE make you doubt yourself.
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I understand what you are going through. It is going to be hard to move on, but it seems to be in your best interest to do so. I hope you realize that you were the only one in the relationship that felt like you two were destined to be together. He obviously wanted other things. Also, it seems that the only reason he came back to you is because the other woman left him. You do not need to be with someone that will leave you or cheat on you when they feel that the grass is greener elsewhere. You may be going through a lot of hurt and pain, but trust me you will get through it. Good Luck.
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Hun in your posting you gave yourself the answer you are looking for and didn't even realize it.
"I felt as though I should just "give up" for awhile because I felt as though sometimes he wouldn't take me as serisously as I would have liked him to."
Someone who doesn't take you seriously doesn't have much respect for you and someone who doesn't have much respect for you doesn't love you all that much.
Also, you stated he was a genuine type of guy. According to the definition found on dictionary.com genuine means, "free from pretense, affectation, or hypocrisy; sincere: a genuine person." That does not at all coincide with his behavior or what he did to you. I have a feeling you are idealizing him and the relationship (you are making him and the relationship seem way better to yourself than it really is). Also, you are justifying his behavior. It shouldn't matter whether or not he slept with the woman, romancing her behind your back was disrespect enough. The fact that you are too nice or too forgiving does not mean it's ok for him to treat you the way he did and get away with it. You can be nice to him and forgiving of the betrayal but that doesn't necessarily mean you need to get back with him.
Not only did he disrespect you by cheating but he proceeded to lie about sleeping with the woman, what makes you think his behavior will change? Telling you that she was a mistake and that she's nothing compared to you is classic player tactic and the fact that he was working so hard to win you over at the beginning makes me think he's had tons of practice with other women.
He compared you both. What are you guys products that he feels he has the right to shop around, throw one item to the side and then come back to it?!?!?!
Just based on your situation and what you've shared, you really shouldn't give him another chance. Now if I add my experience from a very similar past relationship I'd tell you definitely not, once a cheater always a cheater because with cheaters the problem is always the same: lack of respect.
Hope this helps!
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Thanks lola4 for your advice. I really appreciate it! I'm totally new to this site, I just asked this question when I registered my account yesterday, so bare with me on the reply part. I'm unfamiliar with this part of the site! I hear what your saying. To let you know, I also have opened myself up to dating - just recently in fact (last year). It was AWFUL! The 2 guys I dated that is. That's why I feel the way I do. Those 2 guys were WOMANIZERS and I'm happy to say I and my family didn't WASTE our valuable time on such idiots as them! Also, I think I was POSSIBLY trying to fill a VOID in my HEART by dating? Because, in my heart I was not over the guy I asked the question about. That's why I feel like "I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't" kind of thing. Meaning I A.) Want to be SINGLE for a VERY LONG TIME. Not even looking into the dating scene again. B.) Just MOVE ON like you suggested and be isolated from people - unless it's my family. I know I sound like a "negative nancy", but like I said in my question, my "so-called friends" never supported how I felt when I was with the guy I descrbied, but my parents know him and they could help me through and be supportive. Other than that, nobody else understood me feeling the way I did with him. The close friends I've made along the way in the past few years, they are really TRUE, POSITIVE and HEALTHY and I wouldn't want to bring this subject up with them because we always seem to have so many other great things to discuss (not downer relationships). If that makes sense? The advice I get from this site and seeing my therapist is all I have "left to run to" on this specific subject. I think your idea is very beneficial as to printing this off and showing it to my therapist! I didn't even think of that! Thanks again for your input and write more if you'd like!
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Thank you Pivyque as well, I greatly appreciate your advice! I hear you, at this point as well as the past 4 years of knowing him, I do not even know HOW to move on! SERIOUSLY...it's so hard. I cannot stop/control the way I feel about him. That's the part that's so DIFFICULT! Don't get me wrong, I know I have my whole life AHEAD of me and I have all these great goals for myself and my future...I had just seen him and wanted him to accompany in my future as well. I really, truly thought that was how it was meant to be with him and I. No other guy. I'd give other guys chances - dating and all and then I'm ALWAYS CONSTANTLY thinking about my LOVE the guy I'm referring to and I ALWAYS compare. The other guys I dated were TOTAL COMPLETE LOSERS compared to him, trust me girl. I'll spare you the high school drama, because that's all those other guys were about - they only looked at me as a piece of meat and they upset my own parents and then I was forced into therapy because of those messed up ones - NOT this one though. If that makes sense? I do realize that supposedly men take longer to mature, but the guy I'm referring to him and I are only 2 years apart and he is WAY more MATURE than the other ones I dated. It's HARD for me to face the TRUTH on this subject, but you are right when you said "I hope you realize that you were the only one in the relationship that felt like you two were destined together." Trust me, that's run through my head ALOT from time to time when I was seeing him, I could just never admit to that FACT is all. Reguarding "the other woman" I'll inform you now - so basically, when I came to find out that he did in fact have sex with her (I knew her name, but not her personally. But, I'll make up a fake name for her as well as him, just because it's such a "sticky" and complicated situation. I'd rather not give out their names anyways, I'm not here for drama - ADVICE & INPUT, so in that case a name is a name. Rather than he and she - I'll refer to "the other woman" as: Jane and the guy I'm reffering to as: Zak.) Anyways, Jane had a boyfriend at that time that Zak was doing these things with her. I'm unsure if Zak knew this at that time, he never mentioned that part of the story to me. That's what I found out just 4 months ago when I found out that Zak did in fact have sex with Jane. To make matters worse, Jane had an S.T.D. - gross, I know right?!?!? So yeah, it was really, really devistaing news for me to take in to say the least. Supposedly she was on "a shot" for it, but STILL, I don't KNOW that. That's why I was panicking for my own HEALTH! That's NASTY and PRIOR to finding this out I hadn't had my physical exam since April, and I AM CLEAN! But, that just brings up more problems for myself, because Zak was playing me behind my back and Jane obviously seems like a slut anyways considering she had a boyfriend at the time. I heard from someone that when Jane's boyfriend found out he beat up Zak. Another mysterious part of the story he had NEVER shared with me. So yeah, now you can get a better sense of the "whole picture" of how badly it hurt and affected me as a human being in general. Honestly, I have no idea how he met this Jane woman or what he saw in her that he didn't see in me, not to mention all the years and time we had invested in what was suppose to be OUR relationship. My parents would be so upset to say the least, that part is really sucky too - they both saw how happy we seemed together and they knew we were seeing each other for quite some time. I'm their daughter, so that's the last they want to here - especially my father - you know how dads are automatically over-protective of their daughters and all with a guy, that's my dad for sure! Also, both my parents know about all the MAJORLY BAD guys I dated - so they both have alot of good reasons to feel over-protective so it doesn't happen to me again. They are weary and want me to be careful. They know I deserve more, but I NEVER allow myself to think that way - I'd rather just GIVE UP or be with him and I don't know why, I CANNOT stop thinking and FOCUSING on the GOOD TIMES with him and I. I have no idea "how long" the "move on" process will/should take. For me, considering I'm always the one breaking-up with and leaving the guy since he's always the one HURTING me and TREATING me poorly so, - YEARS - that's for sure.
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