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sexual abuse

Published on May 12, 2012 by diesel

my wife was sexually abused as a child by three different men from the age seven until she was fourteen. she never has a vaginal orgasm with me. rape fantasy and watching that excites her but rough sex from me to her is a turn off for her. if she can be very rough with me she is happy. what to do


There is no easy fix for sexual abuse issues. She needs to work with a qualified therapist who can help her to identify and work through her issues. You will both benefit by working individually and together in therapy. This will take time. I wish you both all the best. If I can be of any help in this process, I would be happy to discuss how I would work with your wife, you and you both together. You can contact me at:

Johanina Wikoff, PhD 707-766-8502

Yes, we agree, it is so important that your wife work with a qualified professional therapist or coach who specializes in helping abuse survivors. Healing from abuse is a process and she can eventually get to a place where she can fully enjoy and open up to sexual intimacy with you.

There are also some really great books for couples to help them re-discover connection through non-sexual touch and then moving to sexual touch. The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz is a book she might start with. There are also resources online for partners of abuse survivors that you might find helpful.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto Collins

Although not a sex therapist, many women face the problem of being unable to orgasm through intercourse alone, so this dilemma is a lot more common than you think. The fact that she has previously been sexually abused could definitely be playing a huge part in that inability to experience a vaginal orgasm, as a huge part of the enjoyment of sex and the ability to orgasm is all in the mind.

Therapy may definitely help your wife deal with the emotional and psychological issues that may be affecting her but you can play a huge role in helping her get through this also.

You asked 'what to do' but I ask what are you exactly wanting from your wife? Do you want her to achieve an orgasm with you? Or do you want to help her deal with the trauma? Are you confused as to how to pleasure her?

Not much detail was given in what you wrote so I am limited in suggestions, however, the first step would definitely be to open about this subject. Discuss it with your wife. Be gentle and sensitive but try to find out what exactly turns her on. If she finds it difficult to tell you, when havign sex, pay attention to her reactions, her sounds, her face, her movements.

But I want you to be very clear, do not become obsessed with her orgasm as the last thing you want to do is pressure her. I can assure you for many women sometimes the journey can be just as pleasurable as arriving at the destination. Just because she doesn't orgasm, it doesn't mean she isn't enjoying it.