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Sexless in my relationship

Published on June 7, 2012 by lazooz

My boyfriend of a year this month is having issues with his desire for sex. The past 3 months we have had sex a total of 3 times. This has really created a distance between us and has caused me to resent him. Of course we have other issues, and yes we have talked about this issue and agree that SEX is crucial for us to move forward-yet he does not initiate it on his own. He is stressed out about things in his personal life, which I understand, but when I see him on a regular basis, and there is no romance and no sex it affects me tremendously and my ability to not harbor negative feelings. We have talked and talked and talked to no avail...I am one foot in and one foot out the door. Is there a way for us to get past this issue? It has become a very uncomfortable situation between us and I do admit, my approach in discussing the issue has not been the best and he claims, has made it harder for him to initiate anything. But, I feel that my self esteem has taken a big hit. We love each other and enjoy one another's company, but with this MAJOR issue, it is causing more arguments as I seem to only focus on the negatives as my needs and expectations are not being met. I believe that the SEX would help alleviate some of this tension between us but I can't force him to want it or do anything on his own. I am sick of talking about the issue and am now looking for some action on his part. Please advise.


Unless you had a satisfying sexual life with him before and you expect his stress problems to pass soon, I say dump him - dissimilar sex drives are a huge burden for a relationship and one of the biggest bones of contention in a marriage. One's natural sex drive will vary some through life, but won't change hugely, so what you see now is a glimpse into the likely future. Find another guy whose sex drive more closely matches yours and who will appreciate your desire and enthusiasm to get intimate with him.

It's always a choice to stay in or leave the relationship. If you believe that this difference in sex drive is not going to change, then it's certainly an option to breakup, however, if you're willing to make some shifts you might find that things can improve.

You admit to focusing mostly on the negative and to taking his disinterest in sex personally. The question for you to honestly answer for yourself is are you willing to work with your resentment and feeling rejected to get that positive movement you want?

You can't fix his personal problems though you can ask him how you can support him. You can also be open to re-learning how to connect with him. You can acknowledge the moments of closeness and intimacy (even if, for now, they don't involve sex). You can also work with him on those other relationship issues you two have that are also playing a role in the disconnection.

A different approach and attitude might be the solution you're looking for.

First and foremost you MUST find out if you are sexually compatible! Go to You will get a few free credits to do a MEnU rating on your relationship. If you don't have the same energetic Sexual Response Type then there is the root of the sexual issue. You will find out more than just your sexual compatibility from this rating.

What you have described is classic when two people are not have the same energetic sexual response types. When this does happen it often adds extra stress to the relationship often resulting in one partner compressing inside and heading towards depression.

Resentment only exists when you create a story that attempts to explain the reason for a behavior which you have not found a reason for. It is destructive in any relationship and cancels out any REAL love between you. Get to now and get yourself out of this anguishing situation.