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Separated

Published on November 17, 2013 by ttt628

My husband and I have been married 33 years. We separated five months ago because of my anger issues which came on during menopause. Since he left, I’ve been going to a therapist for anger management and working very hard to take care of this problem.

"Eddie" is gone for work Monday through Friday. Two weeks after he left he began to return on weekends. We don’t sleep together but are on good talking terms and go out when he comes home. I love him dearly and he’s a great dad to our daughter.

Occasionally he reminds me that he still wants a divorce but he hasn’t made attempts to file papers. He’s said if we divorce it will be in two to three years.

Should I keep things the way they are and try to move on or should I file for divorce in the near future? Also, I want to express to him that I want to work things out and that I love him. But I don't want to scare him off, every time I bring it up he avoids the subject.

Thank you!

ANSWERS

Dear Your Tango reader - My heart goes out to you. This sounds very challenging after having been married for 33 years. I think the thing that comes to the forefront for me when I read what you have written is your "anger issues" which have arisen out of menopause. Menopause is a time of transition for women where we come into our voice and our power. If your relationship was repressive in any way or if there was stored repression from your past, it's not a surprise to me that it would bubble up in anger.

There is a very short and interesting address to this by Dr. Christiane Northrup on her free podcast. Follow the link below (cut and paste it into your browser).

https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/dr.-christiane-northrup-podcast/id262346131 (listen to #99)

You may also want to check out her book, "The Secret Pleasures of Menopause" by Dr. Christiane Northrup.

Your question actually brings more questions for me to you: -Are you comfortable with him coming home on the weekends or is it causing anxiety, frustration, etc? When I put your situation on my own body, it feels challenging for me to be alone during the week and get comfortable with that and then go into a different mode for the weekend with him around. -I am hearing from you that you want to make things work, but that you are also thinking maybe you should file for divorce. Since there is some muddled thinking here, what are you doing to care for yourself and discover what it is that you want for the rest of your life. If you could live in joy and love and freedom for your remaining years, how would that feel? -Could you try on the idea that this could be a wake up call to grow and bloom and transform?

If you are interested in exploring this further, be in touch. All my best - Margaret Jacobson

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