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Separated

Published on March 25, 2014 by ttt628

I have been separated from my husband going on a yr now. We are married 34 yrs this June. He walked out last March. We have a great relationship. We talk or text everyday.He works out of the house but lives on his own. My questions are as followups

1-He asked for a divorce but not for 2 yrs when our daughter graduates HS. What should I do? 2-He claims he left because he was unhappy and my anger issues. Which by the way I am going to Anger Mgt Therapy since he left. 3-We have not been intimate in serveral yrs. ( I guess due to my anger) 4-He was dating for a short time but has since broke it off. 5-He is slightly affectionate with small kisses and a lot of hugging.How do I bring some more love and romance back into the equation? I have expressed I don't want this divorce and he knows it. We are going to family counseling but he never brings up his emotions on how he feels about this situation. His clothes are all still here at the house and we do things either together or as a family. We have dinner together every night.Since moving into his apartment he has asked for some space to think and we will re-evaluate things in 6 months.Which by the way he says he only took a 6 month lease. In your opinion is the HOPE or should I just move on. 34 yrs is a lot of yrs and I don't want my daughter seeing me throw in towel until I exhaust all options. I am showing her I am not a quitter. Please help. Thanks.

ANSWERS

First of all, it sounds like you both are committed to your daughter and have a good day-to-day relationship. These things are very important! You working through your anger management issues is also a big step in the right direction, so keep it up--if not for your marriage, then certainly for you and your daughter.

In terms of your marriage, many couples make the mistake of falling into a good companionship without also focusing on the sexual relationship. I would suggest a good marriage therapist/sex therapist. Someone who will conduct a psycho-relational-sexual assessment, evaluate the strengths and vulnerabilities of your relationship, and offer a time-limited plan to re-build the sexual relationship while also addressing any underlying intimacy issues between you.

Many people make the mistake of assuming that if you talk it out & feel closer, the sex will come. Research is showing that you have to bring back the sex WHILE you work to talk it out. This is the most effective means of strengthening your relationship for the long haul. Most couples can at least agree to commit to a 6 month period of trying to make it work before pulling the plug for good. Sallie Foley's book Sex and Love for Grown-Ups (2005) is a great resource, also. Good luck!

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