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Revisiting a relationship

Published on November 29, 2013 by jrsygrl33

I recently got back together with a guy I had dated for six months prior. I broke up with him because he did not seem to want to move further along with the relationship, as far as introducing him to my kids, he refused and not wanting me around his, even after six months. We are both divorced quite a bit of years now and are in our fourties. I know exactly what I'm looking for and he knew I wanted to mesh our families and get closer but he would continue to put on the breaks. He would say we were in a serious thing and call me his girlfriend but then would not allow me to put up a picture of us in his room! So I got tired of it and tired of being uninvited to his family functions, etc. But after three months apart I really began to miss him and realize my love for him was not going away. Aside from his commitment fears he is a really great guy and treated me very well so I reached back out. I asked him out for a drink. He turned the drink into dinner at "our" place we always use to go and then the date turned into a weekend and felt like we never broke up! I was elated I was so happy we were back together, so I thought. At the end of the weekend I said to him, "I am so happy we are back together". He said, "We're back together?" I could have died. He basically said why do we need a title we are dating let's take it slow. It has now been two months and we have been getting closer and then he takes a step back, closer then a step back, it's driving me crazy! I told him I do not share so I can't do this if he wants to date other people. He asured me there were no others and I do believe him because I know him to be very honest but I'm also very jaded and I'm starting to wonder. He has told me he does not want a relationship or a girlfriend right now like three times but yet he talks to me every day, he calls me babe and his girl and we see eachother every week. He did not invite me for Thanksgiving though even knowing I would be alone but then he just invited me out to dinner with his mom for her birthday? Im really confused with these mixed messages. I did not come back for him to be aloof and unavailable for a relationship. I don't know how to handle this. I love him very much and don't want to be with someone else but am I wasting my time with this man as I thought originally?

ANSWERS

I understand what you want. The problem here is that both of you are divorcees and are both overly cautious. I'm not sure if he has children, but you indicated that you do. For you, picking someone to be in your life again will affect them. If he has children, the same is true for him. I can understand wanting to take it slow with this guy. I may be wrong about this, but I get the impression that you are in a hurry. I don't know your history with this guy. I think one year of dating is good enough for divorcees to establish a new relationship and then move in together for a year to see if things work. After that, if there is compatibility, get married again. I am speaking from a divorced man's perspective. I am going through divorce right now and I have a young daughter to think about as well. I for one will not rush into a relationship or make a decision that is premature. I hope you understand where I'm coming from.

When you broke off things with him the first time, you essentially gave him an ultimative: do this or else. Ultimatives deeply damage relationships. In my opinion, you need to have a little more patience. The reason I say this is that there is more at stake for both of you. He is probably not a commitmentphobe as you describe, but just a man being overly cautious to get this second relationship right whereas his first marriage failed. Unfortunately as divorcees, we are damaged and jaded because of the experience of our past marriages. It is important to future relationships that we address why the first one failed and our contributions to its failure. It is never 100% the other spouse's fault. Until you recognize your own short comings, you can't move forward. This principle also applies to your boyfriend. Good luck with this and I wish you the best.

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