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Repost: HELP! Need Answers! Should I date him?

Published on May 2, 2012 by dylan1106

I have a bit of a dilemma.. I apologize IN ADVANCE for the lengthy post lol.. I tend to give men the benefit of the doubt when I deal with them because I like to rely more so on the connection that we have and his personal characteristics to determine if he is a good match for me.. I am very aware that material things aren't everything but hear me out...

I met a guy about six months ago.. we're "long distance" while i finish up school.. he is an extremely intelligent, funny, interesting, generous, attentive guy. We have a great connection and we can talk about a lot of things. He's a few years older than me, he has a child (that lives with him), and he works full time. Although I'm not a materialistic person, I do like stability. And when people don't have certain things it makes me question their stability a little bit. The first time I spent the night over his house, we were relaxing on the sofa watching TV and talking. His friends come over unexpectedly, sit on the other couch, and just chit chats and watches TV with us (kinda intruding on our moment lol). It was awkward so I hinted that maybe we can move to the bedroom. He's a little apprehensive so I'm confused. What's the big deal?.... So he explains that he let his son have a majority of the room so a lot of his son's stuff is in there... Ok.. I guess.... No big deal.. So we go in and there's no bed. Just a few storage bins, toys, and an air mattress. No he didn't just move in. He's been there for a while. I'm immediately uncomfortable but I don't say anything. The whole time my mind is racing like "soooo where do the both of them sleep? why isn't there a bed in here? do they share the air mattress?".. It just really bothered me for some reason. I could tell that he was really embarrassed about it and later he offered up an excuse about how he has a bed but its in storage because its king size and it doesnt fit well in the room and plus his son prefers to sleep on an air mattress because its more comfortable for him. Ok. So I suppress how uncomfortable I am with that (because its really not MY business) and I continue talking to him.

I can't deny the connection we have and the fact that I genuinely like HIM. But I'm starting to question myself just a tad. A mental connection is a powerful thing but it has the potential to make you overlook some very important shit that really may NOT be ok. And I think thats what I've done. No, the bed situation isn't all. I don't think he has a car either. Being that we're far away from each other and I rarely go to my hometown b/c of school and work, we don't see each other often. I've only hung out with him 4 times out of these six months. When I went to his house one day, I parked next to a car and he casually said "thats funny, you happened to park next to my car". I looked at the car, didn't think anything of it, and went inside. The next time we hung out, I noticed the car wasn't there and then his roommate pulls up in the car that i thought was his and goes in the house. Real casual. Like it was HIS car. The time after that, we went out and he drove a completely different car. All of this stuck in my head over these few months. He mentions driving here and there, running errands, doing this and that, blah blah blah when we talk so I think very little of it. Recently I inquired about how long his commute is to work b/c I noticed that he doesn't call me sometimes until about an hour and a half after he gets off work. He said about an hour. I was surprised that it took so long so I asked him why. He said sometimes he takes the bus. Considering where he lives, I am very sure that the bus is NOT a more convenient or preferred method of travel for anyone in that area. Especially not when its a 20 minute drive as opposed to an hour long commute on the bus. Idk, something is off.

I say that to say this...... I like this guy. We're still in the beginning phases but I cannot sit here any longer and pretend that I'm ok with this. It may seem shallow but I'm not comfortable dating a man without a car. I feel silly for not being able to just be direct with him and say "hey whats up with your transportation situation" because it is an awkward ass conversation and i KNOW that things are going to be a little weird for me if/when he confirms that he is car-less. I understand that "shit happens" and any number of things can happen that can jeopardize your vehicle but I really don't feel like there was an accident or a repair issue (seeing that his license has been suspended for over a year.... just found that out)... Tell me guys, honestly, are these legitimate concerns or am I being shallow? I have no issue scaling things back with him a little bit until I figure things out. Be honest. What do you think?


These are legitimate concerns. You do not know enough about this guy, and you should back!

The car is probably not his, and the driving license issue re-enforces that. Why did you not know about this? He is not being honest with you.

I cannot imagine having a lady friend over for the night, and having no bed in the bedroom. Is he still legally married? How many other lady friends does he have? Why does he have custody of his child,and do you believe him?... and is custody full or part-time? How would you really know? (BTW, how old are you? him?)

Dear, you should have had ALL these questions answered (and any others that you have) before you stayed with him the first get all these answers (if you can believe them) before you go over for the evening again. If you "visit", don't stay the night, and don't engage in anything intimate. You don't know him at all!

Concerning getting to and from work...he is telling you what he thinks you want to hear!

Keep looking!

Well, look, hanging out 4 times in 6 months still doesn't really constitute a long term relationship. And even if it were, the only justification you need for breaking up with someone is that you want to break up with them. That's it-- you don't need concrete reasons or justifications.

That said, you sound conflicted. His situation does sound sketchy and he hasn't helped by not being forthcoming. I can understand being embarrassed, but there are things about his situation that you need to know especially given that this is long distance and if you are going to be doing all of the driving, it would only be fair for you to know that upfront. So, you need to ask questions about his license suspension, custody of his son, when and how he intends to acquire a car and what he intends the sleeping arrangements to be if you ever do progress far enough to reach that point. If he won't discuss these things frankly and clearly, then you need to move on. If you aren't comfortable bringing this up, then you need to move on (and let me be clear, these are things he should have told you from the time it became clear you liked each other enough to stick around). If you are uncomfortable with any of his answers, then you need to move on. If he becomes defensive or belligerent when you ask him about this stuff, you need to run as far and as fast as you can.

You're absolutely right. I should have asked these questions a LONG time ago and I think, as time continued passing, the conversation seemed like it would have gotten increasingly awkward (especially since I know my feelings for him would have been affected once I heard the truth). Thats my fault though. To answer your questions, he is not married. He is not with the mother of his child who lives another state and, according to him, she is an irresponsible person (who actually has two other kids by two other men). Since I'm only hearing one side of the story, I dont fully believe it. When children and past relationships are the topic of discussion, theres more to it than what ONE person is saying. His son is with him full-time. Im 24 and he's 26. I dont plan on going back because these types of instabilities are a huge turn off. Regardless of whatever struggles he went through to get into this situation, I don't want to deal with it. I have things together on my end and Im more than 1000% sure I can come across a man who is doing a little better and doesn't have all this confusion. I know my judgment was severely off and I did jump head first into this because we had such a strong "connection" but Im out of fantasyland now. Im not even interested in having that conversation with him at this point because I shouldn't have to. Thank you very much for your input. It's especially helpful hearing it from a man! Take care (and feel free to provide any other comments or advice)

Thank you very much for your input! Im going to make the decision to move on. These are things I should have known (and asked) a long time ago. Considering the amount of time thats passed with these unanswered questions, the "conversation" is just going to be extremely awkward. And I know its going to turn me off further. I have things together on my end and I believe that I am just better off dealing with someone who doesnt have all of this confusion and instability. Maybe he is doing the best he can but this is just not something I wish to continue pursuing. As a woman, I just dont feel right driving a grown man around or riding around in a car he has to "borrow" from someone else anyway. Thanks again for the advice Turtledove, Im just going to move on :)