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Published on June 11, 2014 by sportsmaven

My boyfriend has a dark secret that he just revealed to me. He was born out of wedlock and he was taken away from his father until he was three, and he has never meet his sisters or his father's family. The deceased grandfather thought this was the best thing to do, but it leaves lots of resentment. I am afraid to marry him without finding a solution to this problem.


Dear Secret Revealed:

There is not much information here in your letter, however, that is a great place to begin asking yourself lots of questions.

How do you feel about this? Often, it takes a few days to get over the shock to "feel into" what is really there. Ask yourself what this brings up for you. I would not make any major decisions until I had really examined what was going on inside of myself. What bothers you about this revelation? Is it because he kept it from you until now? Does it hurt that he did not trust you to share the part of his past? Are you upset about the dysfunction of his family and how he was treated? Are there behaviors that make more sense now to you because of this revelation? Does it bring up your own abandonment issues?

If he was taken (I am not certain if that is what you were saying, but it appeared that way to me) from his Father when he was 3 years old, this can cause numerous issues for him, depending on how and when it was revealed to him.

I think you should also ask yourself if this is the opportunity you were looking for to not get married. Sometimes we are afraid of doing something, but NOT doing it seems worse and we find reasons to not. Check that avenue too. The only way to really not it is not correct is to really allow yourself to look at it.

If you would like to discuss this in more detail, please feel free to contact me through my page. I wish you luck. The best thing you can do for your relationship is be true to yourself. To do that, you must examine your own issues and motives and uncover what is going on inside of yourself. Look at the pain it brings up for you, if any. Then look under that. Reveal your own secret feelings.The answers waiting for you may surprise you.

Best Wishes,

Marcy Goss Garcea

Great answer Marcy,

Wonderful advice about how to emotionally take care of yourself as you examine your personal feelings this revelation brought up inside of you.

I would also add that if you are considering marriage to this man you request he spend some time talking to a therapist. This will give him the opportunity to examine his feelings and reconcile then so he'll be his 'best self' for you and any future children.

I would also recommend attending pre-marriage classes after your engagement. These classes will help both of you examine and discuss what you each expect from yourself and your partner after marriage. And it will also help you establish tools that are very helpful when conflicts come up.

I think it's definitely a compliment that he felt comfortable telling you his 'secret.' And know it now gives you each a wonderful opportunity to lay the groundwork to overcome future challenges this would cause.

Good luck. Hope you'll keep us informed on your next step.

Christine Baumgartner The Perfect Catch Your Tango Expert


It sounds like besides resentment there is shame around this with the use of the label "dark secret." I am wondering if that is what he labeled it, or if it was the label you gave it. Either way, counseling or complimentary therapies like EFT tapping (Emotional Freedom Techniques) would be very helpful for both of you. Holding on to resentment and shame is very unhealthy at all levels and definitely worth addressing before you marry.


Eloisa at