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please give sincere advice..very complicated relationship..

Published on December 4, 2013 by desparatetoask

I was in a relationship with a girl couple of years back whom I really loved a lot and wanted to marry. Since we live in a conservative society we have to get our parents arrange our marriage for us and nobody of us wanted to marry against our parents wishes (she has a father only and her mother died suddenly three years back and that was matter of extreme grief for her and that subsequently made me quite sympathetic towards her). Her father agreed but my father was in extreme disagreement due to no real issue. I asked time to convince them from her father but in vain. Finally time slipped out of my hand and she was subsequently engaged to somebody else. This led to extreme depression in my life. I spent many sleepless nights and was restless for months together. And I was also very disappointed and shocked with fact that she was ready to accept somebody else in her life!!! Somehow I recovered and moved on from this situation and I was also getting marriage proposals meanwhile. Finally there was a family that appeared very good and they waited quite long for our answer to their proposal which we finally agreed to consider. Then suddenly one day I received a call for my ex and she came to my place and wanted to meet me. When I finally went to meet her I came to know that her engagement was broken and she is very upset. I tried to console her for the same and made her comfortable. Now her father called me to consider for our reconciliation. That i didnt like because that was not the primary issue that time. The real issue was to give her time to recover from the shock as she was really disappointed. On my part i was also bit reluctant to go back to her as she had chosen to move out of my life (although she waited for me) but i still cared a lot for her and I was still her friend. A month passed and finally a meeting was arranged between our and new girls family. Just a day before going to see the girl with the family I called my ex and informed about me seeing a girl and wanted to know about her wishes. To that she didnt react properly and blamed me for causing more trouble to her for asking such a question at such a time when she has not even recovered form her broken engagement. To this I decided THAT IS IT AND FINALLY I made up my mind to move on with my life because I thought she took me for granted. She later started calling me next morning that I completely ignored. Things progressed between me and new girl and we started talking to each other over phone and she was very soon attached to me emotionally although I wanted to take things slowly. Our parents got us engaged and fixed my wedding with the new girl. We had phone sex many times of which i always felt guilty (as i felt bad as it was out of the wedlock). but everytime i told her about the same she told me that she is nobody but my fiance and we are soon to be married. A year passed and everything was running smoothly and meanwhile occasionally used to call my ex just to ask about her wellbeing and all because I still cared about her. I also had given her an idea about new girl in my life but didnt shared the exact details. Now couple of weeks ago i went to the city where my ex was was working with some work and called her and finally we met. We spent some time and dined together and talked about common stuffs and finally took her leave and come back. A week earlier she had to come to attend a wedding of her friend which happened to be in my city and she had to come the same day when I was going for some small work to her place and by chance returning the same day. So we traveled together by bus. Now **** happened. She slept over my shoulder and grabbed her in my arms and lost control and touched her in an intimate way( to that she did not resist at all ) for quite some time.(I do admit she still ignites my passion a lot and i still feel about her the way I dont feel about anybody else). And we reached our destination and she attended the wedding and we met the following day. We went to a restaurant where she told me that she wants our relation to be pure and did not want any physical intimacy out of the wedlock. I really felt guilty and said sorry and told her we should stop seeing each other now. She left the seat and started walking out and was very angry. I followed her and tried to convince her it was a mistake and will not happen again (although moments with her I dont regret at heart.they are so divine)..She then asked me to tell her everything which I did.. She started crying and cursing herself and regretting everything. I tried to console her a lot but she was really upset..I texted her my apologies many times that night but she didnt respond. Next day she went back to her place and although I went to drop her but she didnt speak anything. When the bus started tears came out of her eyes which melt my heart even more for her.. Now since she has gone I am very restless and want to go back to her but dont know HOW?????

ANSWERS

First stop. Let me recap. You are in a situation that either involves a lot of royalty or a lot of money. The fact that your parents and the parents of other potential girls have to be in agreement for terms of marriage indicates to me a social and political strata that you have not taken into consideration. A poor family or low status family wouldn't have that kind of influence over their children. Only the elite, royalty, and certain ethnic groups have that kind of influence.

Now that is out of the way, you some serious decisions to make. I am glad I'm not in your shoes. If you go against your family's wishes, you will be disowned or excommunicated as a son. You will lose whatever political/social/monetary standing that you will be entitled to based on your decision to go after your ex.

I will say this directly. You two are not meant for each other for the long term. Because of your respective families, this will never be "pure." Her telling you that she wants to be pure before wedlock is a fantasy. She's not pure from they way you describe your encounter on the bus.

To solve your problem and have her as your wife, you have to do two things first: convince your family to go with her and convince her father to go with you. If you can do that, it won't matter if she wants to be with you or not. If the families agree to the marriage of you two, it will happen. Impossible? It's the only way I can see it happening for you to be together with your ex. The other option is to have your ex as your mistress should you marry the other girl. This is a very dangerous game to play on so many levels if you go this route.

My suggestion: let her go. If I'm correct in my assumptions and insight, you will cause more suffering around you as well as suffer yourself if you pursue her. I do not envy your position in life. This is the price the elite must pay sometimes for the greater good of a family/nation.

Lastly, if you think I'm full of crap in what I say and decide to pursue her anyway. Then do this: Stop thinking like a love sick puppy and use strategy to get what you want. If you want her, pursue not only her, show her father and family you are worthy and your family that she is worthy. You and her can do this together. In fact, it's the only way to better yourself, her, your families, and your communities. If you are hosting a charity together or assisting one of the family with a difficult problem, you will gain ground. If you involve the community together, they will put pressure on your families to have you together. Realize a member of the elite serves the people and community at a higher level. Be Nobel and act for the benefit of others and at the same time fight for what you want. You can always delay a marriage by not showing up if there is a more pressing and important social function that needs to be attended. Good luck.

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