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Performance anxiety or another issue?

Published on December 3, 2010 by painfultearz

My boyfriend and i have been living together for 3 months now, we had a long distance courtship by writing emails to each other over the summer for 2 months. We fell in love and we still are very much so, apart from the lack of sex, he is everything i ever wanted in a man and as a potential future husband. Now here comes the hard part. After being with him almost 2 months, he finally told me that the reason he couldn't get an erection was due to his having performance anxiety. So i told him we would take it one day at a time. I don't expect to do the deed every night, so far, we did try a ring and that seems to help maintain his erection long enough for us to have intercourse. The problem is, he never ever initiates it. So i'm now starting to feel as if i'm sexually undesireable to him. I've gently and kindly told him many times we don't have to try every night, that's not what i expect, however, neither do i expect everynight to be the same. I have to initiate any sexual acitivity all the time. When i don't, he's never bothered by it. He sees my tears and he sees the pain it causes me, i finally broke down crying tonight telling him that just once i would love him to initiate the intimacy with us. he exploded on me saying he can't just get an "erection instantly" and i cried harder because i had repeatedly told him that's not what i wanted, all i wanted is just for once since we met, after him proclaiming he had a crush on me for about one year, that he would take me in his arms and start making out slowly, letting the night take care of itself. So far nothing. I have had it, this has taken an unbelievable toll on my self-confidance, my self-esteem and now i'm going through depression because of it. Like i said, we get along great, but it's no longer enough, i firmly believe that making love further bonds a relationship. It's not the most important, but it is an important factor in any successful relationship. He has refused any medication or therapy, before he met me he didn't date for 10 years( he is 40 yrs. old btw), and stayed alone,,i'm thinking that there is way more to this picture than what he's letting on. Someone please help me because i feel so disillusioned and heartbroken/rejected.


Unless your man takes a proactive role in fixing the problem (his performance anxiety) things will remain exactly as they are. "Is there more to this picture than he's letting on?" Absolutely! There is (more) to it, but the (more) isn't with you. (from what you've shared) I would guess that he's known about his "PA" for some time. You must understand that PA produces a myriad of problems ie. the absolute avoidance of sexual encounters, lowered self-esteem, relationship discord (as you know) and complete sexual dysfunction. Typically, an awareness of performance anxiety produces sooo much preoccupation with the anxiety that the person becomes less fully involved in the sexual interaction bringing about the very failure that is feared. If you can coax him to see a doctor, do it! If he doesn't shakes head you need to ask yourself some very tough questions. ~wish the best for you

Hes biggest problem is that he is very selfish n Drama Queen,if i were him,i would please you with my mouth n sex toys,until i get more relaxed.

Performance anxiety is common in a lot of men, but age is not a factor unless medical issues are of concern. He may not initiate any because he could be afraid of not being able to perform, but this should be a topic of conversation beforehand. It should definitely be a conversation now, so it does not get further to the point where you are doubting yourself. This situation is not about you. It is his concern and he should seek help if it is important to him. You need to determine whether the relationship will work for you under these circumstances and make your decision accordingly. My new book focuses on such concerns: "Are You The Right One For Me? Whose Choice Is It Anyway?" Good luck with your relationship.