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Passion in Marriage

Published on August 2, 2010 by ntrentmann

My wife and I have been married for 3 years and together for 5. Recently she told me she feels like there is no passion in our marriage and may never have been. We rarely have sex. Maybe once every couple of months. It has been this way since we were dating. I feel that I have not been very affectionate with my wife. I don't know why. I love her very much and find her to be beautiful. We get along great and rarely fight. Maybe I took her for granted. Well now that I know how my wife feels I was wondering if it is possible to put passion into our marriage? She seems pretty withdrawn lately, I hope it is no too late.

ANSWERS

Every marriage can go through struggles and droughts. it is also normal for members of a couple to have different needs sexually. I get the sense that you guys haven't really talked about all of this and come up with a way to negotiate this area of your life- which is the biggest red flag.

It is hard to know if it is too late. My recommendation would be to look for a counselor that specializes in Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy. In clinical studies it has a 70% success rate. It will help with communication, emotional connection, and your sex life at the same time!

While you are looking for someone to help you guys negotiate this issue and improve your relationship, pick up the book Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson. It is an excellent read and has real activities and questionnaires (women love those!) that you can use with your partner.

This is a common issue in many long-term, committed relationships. The majority of the time, the issue is psychological and the prognosis is a good one. You CAN bring back the passion.

In fact, this is what I specialize and work with at my website, http://passion101.com (some of the posts are here you Your Tango as well). I'd suggest you read a few of my blogposts about the "power struggle" that occurs in relationships, why it MUST occur and how to move through it and reach a conscious, passionate relationship. That will get you started for sure.

Please don't give up hope.

Dr. Adam Sheck

One thing to bear in mind as you're seeking help with this issue is that sexual attraction depends on the natural polarity between the masculine and the feminine. Very often as a couple merges their lives together, the masculine/feminine polarity changes into a team/partnership dynamic. You're not courting anymore and you're just running the household together probably sharing chores and responsibilities.

Also, if you're feeling like your adrift in your career, creative pursuits, or purpose in life, that can put undue pressure on a relationship. A feminine woman does not want you to rely on her to be the source of all your drive in life. She wants to be along for the ride as you pursue your aspirations instead.

If what I say doesn't resonate, that's OK. As you seek help with this issue be sure to ask the experts you plan to work with how they plan to help you and what their methodology is in advance. Don't be afraid to interview them to make sure it's a good fit for you and your wife. And don't get mired in analysis. Focus on results and keep moving forward. You can get the fire going again!

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