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Partner emailing immediate past lover

Published on January 19, 2014 by doc107

I have been in an intimate relationship with a woman for the past 5 months. She was in a long distance relationship with her previous lover for three years and she determined it was time for her to move on. However, she has been in email communication with her immediate past lover and one other lover before him. She indicates they are only friends and has the right to choose her friends. She believes I am being over-controlling. Considering that her immediate past lover did not and still does not want to separate, I am uncomfortable with this situation. I don't believe we can develop a strong and lasting relationship given she continues her communication with him. Am I being unreasonable to have this belief?


Yes and no. There are many factors to consider. 1) Is she okay with you communicating with your female friends? 2) If it really bothers you, she should have some empathy and respect for your feelings and concerns. 3) What is her track record? Has she cheated on you or past relationships in the past?

It's her choice to talk to her past lovers if this is something she feels like she has to do. If she isn't being unfaithful to you but exchanges the occasional "hey how are things" type of email, this isn't outside the realm of normal behavior. If it was every day and deep thoughts and feelings, that wouldn't sit well with me either.

You have made your feelings known and you have to decide if this is a make or break type of situation for you. The best thing you can do is express your feelings about it to her in a vulnerable way. If you are feeling hurt, that will likely get further with her than anger, which could just make her more determined to do what she wants.


Why would you judge the belief? What if the issue isnt about her contacting her ex but the belief you have around it. Beliefs, thoughts are all illusory - the only thing that is ever true is when we are peaceful and calm. Insecurity cannot be triggered from a person or thing - its only ever in our superstitious thinking in the moment.

We don't cheat on a partner, we cheat ourselves out of the potential of connecting to one individual who uniquely matches who we are. When there is more than one person in our life in an intimate way, whether that's physically or emotionally, it's a sign that we don't feel fully connected to either one.

Anything that needs to be hidden or anything that is open, but creates pain to another is something that drains energy. The fact that someone is willing to allow us to drain their energy doesn't imply that it is wholesome.

When we manage information so others don't have access to all the details it denies them the opportunity to make their own choice and drains our energy in doing so. If we're open about the fact that we're seeking fulfillment on some level outside of a primary relationship and the other is supportive, then we have given them the opportunity to make the choice.

If they don't know and we 'manage' the situation it drains us. If they do know and are frustrated, but tolerate it it drains both our energy. If they know and support us in it then we are both fed.

Everything we do is either seeking love or being love. The question we need to ask is if we're needy for love or being a source of it. Identify which of the two anything is and you have your answer of whether it is something to move further into or away from.

No, She's Not cheating. If she's not sure about you, She will anyway leave you eventually, You Being insecure about Emails is not going to help. She's married to you, Marriage means a lot to a woman & No woman likes to cheat.