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Ok to be sure and, "not ready," not ok to be "not sure"?

Published on February 3, 2010 by erinmystic

So, about 6 months or so ago, I broke up with my ex, because we had been together for 2 years and living together for 1 year, but he still wasn't sure I was "the one." (I think it's OK to be "not ready," and SURE but not ok to be "not sure," after 2 years.) Just so you know, I wouldn't have moved in with him, if I had known he "wasn't sure."

So, I would like to know a few things from everyone...

(Men) 1. Did you ever live with a women, who you "weren't sure" about or knew you would never marry? 2. Why did you live with them, when you "weren't sure" about them or knew you would never marry them? 3. Were you wrong and you DID end up marrying them? 4. When did you know your wife/ fiance was "THE ONE" (days, weeks, months, years)? 5. How long did it take you to pop the question (days, weeks, months, years)? 6. How old were you, when you popped the question? 7. Are you still happily married?

(Women) 1. How long were you with your husband/ finance, before he asked you to marry him? 2. Did he ever tell you that you were, "THE ONE" or he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you? When (days, weeks, months, years)? 3. How long would you live with a man, who "wasn't sure" about you, before you broke up with him? 4. Are you still happily married to them? (Men and Women) 1. Do you agree with my assumption, "not ready" but SURE is OK, but "not sure" isn't OK, after 2 years of being with someone and 1 year of living with someone? 2. Essentially, "If you don't know by now, you're never going to know"?

I learned my lesson, I'm never going to make the assumption, that if someone wants to move in with you, that they plan on spending the rest of their life with you.

ANSWERS

I think you're thinking about this all wrong. It's like you want to put together a checklist for how the whole thing works. Truth is, everyone is different. I think age factors into a lot of decisions like these. Younger men (and women) are less likely to be "sure" of the person they're dating simply because they lack the relationship experience. Other people might not be "sure" until they've lived with someone for a year or two. How would you really know you want to spend the rest of your life with someone unless you know what it would actually be like to live with them? Depending on your age, 2 years of dating really isn't enough time. But really it's all about what each individual person is feeling.

I have lived with 3 different boyfriends. The first, I knew that I would never marry but it was really a final test about our compatibility to see if we actually had a future together. Basically, moving in together ended the relationship because we could not live together. The second boyfriend I lived with for 4 years as practically a married couple (sharing bank accounts/finances). I was in the same position as you with him "You should know whether you want to get married to me by now." However, I pretty much figured that if after all that time he wasn't sure, it meant that I really wasn't the one for him (he was almost 30 btw). I don't think it's a matter of him never being sure, more like he already knows something's not right and you aren't the one. Not necessarily that he's just with you until someone better comes along, but more like he's happy with the way things are and doesn't see a need to change them. Some people just don't want the same things as their significant others. My current boyfriend (in his 30's) has told me that I'm the one and that he's sure of that. He felt that way pretty early on into our relationship and I think living together has made him even more sure of that. However, he hasn't asked me to marry him and I don't think he plans on it anytime soon. But I have no doubts about his feelings for me and our relationship is great just the way it is. When the time is right, we'll get married. Until then, I'm just enjoying our relationship where it is at right now.

You should view the living with a significant other in positive light. It's a serious step that means he's serious about you. True, it could make or break your relationship, but it's a necessary step to see if you can live comfortably with someone you're considering spending the rest of your life with. And some people actually just do it for convenience. If after moving in together, things don't seem or feel more serious or if things get worse, it's probably a sign you aren't with your life mate.

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