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not over ex?

Published on March 25, 2014 by danielastark

I am 52 years old women with 2 small kids (12, 13) and I have been dating a 51 years old man with 2 small kids (8,11) for over 5 months. We meet once a week and we've been intimate for a while. We have extremely busy life with our kids and work and I we have great attraction toward each other. Also, the fact that we are older with little kids makes our schedules and interests similar. Our past marriages ended very similarly, with my ex having 5 years secret affair with his assistant (not that secret, just not admitted) while my babies were little and things were tough. Our marriage officially ended 7 years ago. My boyfriend's ex wife left him 5 years ago with his little kids, for her new boyfriend. She just moved out and left him and kids. They officially divorced 2 years ago. We both have good relationship with our exes, to make life of our kids and families easier. I just read one of your article about how to recognize if our partner is over his ex. I have hard time to talk about his ex with him, he doesn't have a lot of nice things to say about her. It isn't surprising. What was surprising to me is, that his wife now has a different boyfriend that she left with originally and my partner seems to be jealeous of him. I find it strange, since I don't care one bit about my exes girlfriends, I was even friends with his last one. (I was angry and upset about the one that caused the breakup of my marriage) I just don't know what to think. On one hand he seems very loving and interested in developing a deeper relationship, on the other hand, he sometime seems like he is too scared to let his guard down. On the other hand, I am in a very good place in my life. I don't need anybody if i don't find a high quality man. That gives me a good, calm approach and openness toward my new relationship. But I expect the same from the other side. My problem is, that I am not sure if I should address all this. He might be moving toward the same place (attitude)where I am, just the time since his divorce is shorter then mine, so everything is more sensitive. Or is it just my excuse for him?

ANSWERS

Dear danielastark,

Everyone's relationship is different even if the general storyline sounds the same. Everybody heals and gets over relationships in different ways and in different amounts of time. While you may be over your marriage ending, he may not be or he may be mostly recovered but not 100%. Being left by an ex is a terrible feeling. He may be ready to move on but that doesn't mean he isn't still dealing with the loss of the relationship on some level, and in that situation, it's understandable to be jealous over an ex's new somebody, especially if we perceive them to be better than us. Jealousy may not be healthy, but it's understandable.

Have an honest talk with him and see where's he at. Don't force him to "get over it" because as I said, everyone gets over it in their own way in their own time. Maybe you might consider seeing a counselor together to help with the moving on process.

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