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newly single

Published on April 25, 2009 by mariebee

My ex and I are in our early 20's. We were together for 6.5 years. At the beginning of the relationship, he was wonderful - we talked alot, enjoyed eachother's company, and fell deeply in love (or so I thought). As the years went by, I felt that something was a little 'off'. Just here and there - like maybe he was a little spoiled or selfish, nothing major.

We broke up before college because he wanted to date others (and he wanted to go to a seperate college from me), but he came renewed our relationship within a few months. Over the years, he acquired lots of 'girl friends' - his facebook became loaded with messages from girls, and I could tell by what they said that he had initiated the conversations. One girl (from his college) actually thought that he wanted to be in a relationship with her - that's how much attention he paid to her.

I've noticed different things about him that are a little off - for example, he has no empathy whatsoever, he gets "hurt" or "upset" over the slightest criticism, if I excel at something, he either gets upset, or says that I wouldn't have accomplished whatever it was, if it weren't for him. He has no emotions - I've told him that he reminds me of an emotional robot. I began to feel that he was sucking the life right out of me. On the phone, he would talk on and on for hours - I could hardly get a word in edgewise. He began 'partying - drinking to get drunk'. He began a website where he talks about 'striving to achieve the greatest things in life' but he does not practice what he preaches at all. It's really wierd.

He envys other people, including his family, and says things like he's 'worried' that his siblings might accomplish more than him, he takes blame for absolutely nothing that he does - he always thinks that someone "talked about him" to cause problems for him - he's parinoid that way. If you didn't know him very, very well, you'd think he was the greatest guy.

He told me I was 'controlling', and said we'd get along better if I were 'more submissive'. I asked him once what he felt he should change about himself, and he said 'nothing'. I finally began talking with him about ending our relationship - I said this several times, and finally he said "let me do it" and broke up with me.

Within 3 weeks of our breakup , he was started a relationship with another girl. My friends said it's wierd - he's doing all the same things with her that he did with me - he just replaced me so fast after our 6.5 year relationship. A couple months ago, I sent him a letter, telling him how I felt about being replaced so easily; how he has no conscience or remorse whatsoever. Now, all of a sudden he calls me (he's still with the other girl). I did not answer the call. A few days later he calls again & leaves a message - he says he wants to talk about what I said in the letter. I finally called him back, and we talked for 2 hours - the conversation was mostly lead by him, and nothing about the letter was discussed at all. He talked about himself, what he's been doing, etc. When I brought up the new girlfriend and the letter, all he said was 'oh yeah, I'm seeing her." Nothing more than that, so I know he didn't call me to talk about the letter or how he hurt my feelings.

Please keep in mind while reading this that I do not want to start our relationship up again. I know it was an unhealthy relationship for me - I treated him like gold, but know that he just drained the life out of me. I'm getting to know myself again, what I like, making new friends, etc. I'm not in a relationship - I don't feel I'm ready for that yet, but I will be again (with someone new) someday.

I've been reading up on personality disorders - after this extremely long letter (and I'm sorry it was so long), my question is: Do you think he has a personality disorder, and it so, what is it?

Thank you so much for your time.

ANSWERS

...well sort of happenend to me. First let me say, I believe he is a narcissist and yes, it is a disorder. My 'ex' is the same on many levels. Has lots of 'girlfriends', comprimises conversations, had no empathy although says he knows he hurt me when we broke up (actually, he dumped me. While I am in therapy for Elder Parent issues and trying to fix 'us', he was trying to figure out a way to dump me. But, he says 'I knew it would hurt you and I couldn't find the right time....), yet was in a relationship with someone from his childhood (unrequited love) just one month after I moved out. Even his mother told me to get as far away from him and wash him out of my hair. This is odd, because like your ex--he's very different with other people and no-one would have a clue to 'the other side'. We adopted a dog (his idea) but he didn't like the fur, so now I have 'custody'. He doesn't think things through or how his actions will impact other people. As long as he gets what he wants and everything is fine in his world, all is good. I'm slowly putting my heart back together (going on three months now--others are amazed at my progress :) ) But, I still can't help but think back to the man I met and fell in love with--the soul so beautiful but remains hidden; but remind myself as time went on the other side became known and I deserve better. We still talk and are still 'friends'--I have no idea why I don't take the human route, tell him off, get extremely angry, etc. But anger to me is a waste of energy. He will get his due--at some point, but not by my hand. Part of me hopes to see that, because maybe, just maybe then he'll know what it 'feels' like.

Sorry about that, I guess I still have purging to do. My advice if your interested: stay busy, if you're spiritual--pray, expand your friends network--have fun and rise above this. Someone's out there looking for you (and me, too). We can't be focused on someone not worthy and possibly miss someone who is. Good luck to both of us. :)

yea i totally understand waht your sayin. he has some serious issues that is gonna take along time to get over or he will never get over them. soundslike he is a very selfish person. and you are not. i cant imagine how difficult that was for you though i mean 6 and a half years is along time to be with someone. i think he has some bi polar issues. He makes up a lot of strange things. He is very selfish. theres different kinds of people with this disorder some worse then others. He is probably a functioning bipolar, meaning others that dont really know him think hes just great like you said. but really hes not...and soon his present girlfriend will realize that. he will not hold a relationship for very long. i admire you for what you are doing this has to be extremely hard for you. But hang in there because you definitly can find a man that treats you right, and is willing to be a better person just for you!

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