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Need recommendations with relationship issues.
I have something that has been bothering me and have been dealing with this for quite some time, I am here to write about this in the hope that someone can give me some good advice, as I am affraid I need some help with this. I am a 23 year old guy, my parents are divorced, have two sisters and I live with my dad alone. However I must say that my dad works alot, meaning I am home alone alot. I prefer to be alone but I am also very lonely most of the time. I have been quitting college for about a year, decided that I feel better working. I still have no job as of yet, so I am home for about a year doing nothing.
I seeked socialism and friendships in a virtual world called Second Life. I joined this world when i was 18, and met alot of people and made many good friendships. The sad part about this is, the people who I met do not stay forever, and those who you are close with, many of these people quit this virtual world, meaning the friendship got ended. Some of these people I now have contact with over Skype. However I do not talk to them so much. I only have one good RL friend, and as I lost alot of friends over this virtual world, I started to feel depressed. The depression comes in waves and the strenght depends, from suicide thoughts and the next day I would be like "What was I thinking!?". This is going to sound awkward but I often cried, drank or masturbated to make me feel better for the moment. I have to mention that I started smoking at the age of 16, and stopped about 6 months ago, but I sometimes think about smoking again, however not allowing myself.
About a year ago I met a girl in the virtual world. She is 27 years old and we did spent alot of time together. On average we have a 8 hour call everyone on Skype, we often sleep together aswell. We fell in love with eachother. She lives in the USA so there is a big distance, and thus things are limited. We both have plans to meet and marry eachother. Before we had a relationship, she told me something confidentual: She married another person in RL 6 years ago, but she wanted a divorce long time ago, the problem is that she had no job and thus can not afford a divorce. Her husband is aware of this and they are more like "roommates" now. My RL family is aware of the relationship between me and her, aswell as her RL friends are aware it, however her mom and husband are not. She is willing to do so if really wanted, but there is a risk involved for kicking out, but she would have nowhere else to go. The idea of being in a relationship with someone, while the person already has a marriage, is hard to deal with, we both have been talking about it alot, both understanding eachothers feelings and situations, but yet, for me, it is sometimes hard to just "keep it all inside". At first, I actually had to hear about the arguements while she was on the phone with him and forgot to mute her microphone. But this is not just it.
Before me, she had a relationship for 3 years with another person in this virtual world, they aswell had plans, but the relationship got ended because the other person lied to her in several ways, and the relationship did not feel good according to her. When I started to date her, she often still had conversations with him, as he was not over her yet about breaking up, this did put me in a terrible situation and hurt me badly. A chasing ex to your current gf is not peacefull to me, and I was getting fed up with it so I warned her to deal with it ASAP or otherwise I did not want to continue the relation. This is my first relationship in my life, so this was already a great start. I recently found out that she still had a love video about them both on youtube, still showing them as a couple, I asked her to remove it but she didnt like it and saw it as a memory, but I explained her that it makes me insecure and "just another choice because other relationships didnt work out".
I sometimes just get fed up with these things because it just makes me very insecure, I feel like I am just another choice. She sais I am her everything, that I am her first "real" relationship. However when I just keep crossing with things from her past and current marriage, I start feeling lonely and upset. And I have these feelings pretty often. I just dont know how to deal with this, would appreciate if someone could give me some tips and suggestions.
Thank you sincerely!