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My wife will not let me pleasure her.

Published on September 22, 2009 by darthdefault

I ask my wife what she wants in bed, and all she ever says is "I don't know." I ask if there's ever been anything she wanted to try, even just once, and I get told, "I don't know." I ask if there is anything wrong, and she says no. I ask if I'm not doing enough for her, and she says either no, or I am doing too much sometimes. I don't do it just so I can say, "My turn!" later on. Sometimes I just want to give her the pleasure and satisfaction she used to give me so freely. Now she keeps bringing up her ex's and how they made her do stuff, "But you're not like them." She tells me often. She complains that with them, she never got satisfaction, and with me, it feels like I'm trying too hard. She no longer offers or wants to do much of anything with me anymore. She wants sex to be over and done with as quick as possible. If I take more than fifteen minutes, she pushes me off, saying, it's too much. We used to spend a minimum of an hour for sex, not counting at least half an hour for foreplay, which I loved, since I could see what I was doing right, and what I needed to work on. Now, she sighs, and treats sex like a bad job. I ask if she wants to have sex, and she just lays there and looks at me expressionless for a minute or two. Then usually says something like, "Ok, I suppose." or, "How about later/tomorrow, I'm kind of tired." If she's tired, why would she spend three or four hours watching tv or playing video games? I am literally no longer allowed to go down on her, when not that long ago, she was keeping me between her legs until I could do no more. Then, I would get a few minutes rest, and go back for more. I loved doing it for her, I still do! She just won't let me... I've given up on getting anything in return now, since it's too difficult to even give her anything. The last time I even asked for her just to play with me a bit before sex, she looked me right in the eyes and said, "That's how my ex forced me into anal." I was shocked! I nearly exploded! All I asked was for some foreplay before we had sex, and suddenly she thinks I'm trying to 'force' her into anal? I explained many times, I do not want that, ever. I told her my belief is if I don't want anything in my butt, I better not try and put anything in anyone else. Now we are down to only when she wants it, barely twice a week, when before she was nearly begging me for it two or three times a night. It wasn't a gradual change. It was one night, sex three times, then nothing the next, and the next and suddenly I realized, it had been over a week and a half since we last had sex. I brought it up to her, and she never gives any explanation other than "I don't know." or "It's just me, not you." She won't allow me to ask if I can help, because, "It's just me, not you." I remind her daily how much I love her, how beautiful she is, how sexy I believe she is, that she is a wonderful mother, wife, friend. I help out whenever I can with household chores, and get nearly nothing in return. She's now always tired, or depressed, for reasons unknown to me, and I have asked, repeatedly. Only to be told, "I don't know. It's just me, not you." She barely tells me she loves me anymore, and when she does, it sounds like an automated response, she no longer tells me the nice encouraging things I tell her on a daily basis. And if I miss a day, or reminder, she's letting me know, right away! "What, am I not beautiful/sexy/loving/good mother/wife? You haven't told me in the past half hour!" I tell her that it is hurting me that she is just taking, and not giving, and she won't even look at me when she says she's sorry. I don't understand how she could go from being the woman of my dreams, to a cold, silent room mate so suddenly. I offer to help with any and every problem she has, but she won't tell me of any. I don't want to leave her, but I can't stay with someone like this.


It really sounds like she is dealing with something else that she isn't letting you know about.

Right now bringing up sex around her, even if its too work out why she isn't interested, is only shutting her down even more. There is something going on with her that she either refuses to tell you about or that she really doesn't know how to explain.

It almost sounds like she is dealing with a serious bout of depression, but I really can't say for sure.

I would say that if she is unwilling to try and work this out with you then you should try to go and get counseling. This isn't about the sex anymore...its something far more important and far deeper. From the way she is acting so far I couldn't even begin to imagine how you would broach it with her, but you need to really let her know its not about the sex but for her well being.

Hate to put it so crudely, but you should probably take matters into your own "hand" for now, continue to let her know how much you care about her, but stop trying to find out why she no longer wants sex. All that is doing is tapping into her issues with exes who, seemingly, used her for sex. From what you've said of her reactions to you and her change in attitude it really sounds like she could do with seeing a therapist though.

There is something deeper wrong with her than no sex. She sounds depressed... I think you need to go to counseling to figure this one out. It sounds like she is hiding something from you that makes her feel guilty. If she tells you, she is going to hurt you.

Go to counseling... your wife needs help.