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My partner who is 22 years older than me can't keep up with my sexual drive, should I consider an open relationship?

Published on October 2, 2010 by mewmewski

Essentially, I'm 20 years old and my partner is 42 years old. We've been living together for a year and a half and have been very happy for the main bulk of this, despite the generation gap we have many, many common interests across the board, a similar attitude intellectually and emotionally, and essentially respect and love each other wholesomely. Even slightly trickier issues, such as a gap within our friend groups, my tendency to socialise more in pubs, clubs etc are handled well. We have a mutual respect for each others space and pursue our own friend groups, with numerous cross overs at certain points. The one single downpoint to the relationship is our sex life. He is naturally at an age where his libido is not particularly impressive, at least, it certainly hardly compares to mine, which is high even for somebody of my age. To top this off he has diabetes which has contributed to some issues in the sack, as well as reducing his libido even further. We've looked into alternative treatments and such which have generated some improvement but the overall crux of the matter is that I'm still a little too frustrated for my own good. He has expressed at points that he feels bad about it and has joked that I should sleep with other men. More on this later.

I'm finding that the more the relationship matures the larger this issue is becoming, I'm finding myself increasingly drawn to younger men, usually ones that look typically young, with a musuclar physique and thick hair. I still find my boyfriend extremely attractive mind, but I can't help feeling an increased sense of lust around some of my male friends and accquaintices. To top it off due to my active social life many men that I've found attractive (and even more that I don't!) have displayed signs of sexual interest in me, even actively propositioning me or attempting to take me out on dates and such. I have of course politely refused across the board, never engaging in anything beyond mild flirtation. Despite my social, sexual nature I have a great deal of self control and love and respect for my partner has prevented me from being unfaithful. It's just that doc, I'm starting to find it really difficult refusing it. I'm so stupidly sexually frustrated, and the idea of a no-strings fling every so often would make me feel a hell of alot better. I'm attracted to these men, or 'boys' based entirely on lust, and I know that the feelings I have for my partner are much, much stronger.

I think there's even a possibility of us settling down, he proposed to me recently and I turned it down on the basis that I don't want us to commit until we've been together longer. That was what I said to him as well, but the major underlying reason for my refusal is that I'm too sexually curious to settle down! I want to have more sexual experience, and the idea of spending the rest of my days feeling as pent up as I am now is horrific. Is it just a phase?

I'm thinking of suggesting an open relationship, but how do you think he'd feel about that? I know he would say yes due to his feelings of inadequacy sexually but I think it would really hurt him and possibly destroy the relationship in the long run. He is not bi-sexual so the possibility of threesomes isn't there. What should I do? Thankyou very much for listening and any advice would be appreciated. Regards, Sara.

ANSWERS

There are main needs that people have in a relationship that, if not satisfied, a person will never be content. For me, the must-haves in a relationship are being faithful, humor, caring, kindness, fun, financial stability and being compatible in sex. If any of these are missing, I'm not willing to accept this person as my lifetime partner.

Even though your man has many great traits, I'm afraid that it's never going to work, as you will always be frustrated with your sexual problems/incompatibility/mismatched libidos.

Open relationships never work. This man would be a nice friend for you, but as a lifetime partner, you will never be satisfied. You only have a year invested into this relationship. The human brain isn't even fully formed until you are 24 years old, so how can you choose a lifetime partner when you probably don't even know yourself well enough? People in their early 20's also go through a lot of changes in their life. They grow and change, and sometimes what they want in a relationship changes over time.

You shouldn't be in a rush to get married. You are right to have turned down his proposal. You have a lot of lifetime experience to get under your belt before that happens. My advice is move on and find someone who meets all of your main needs.

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