My partner is insecure, what to do?
I've been with my boyfriend for about a year now and I'm getting frustrated with his insecurities. He's been in bad relationships in the past where as he puts it he's "attracted all the crazies." He's been cheated on, lied to, he's had girlfriends stalk him, you name it. I'm as normal as can be but he's told me on a few different occasions that he's waiting for my "crazy" to come out too. We've discussed his past relationships and we've concluded that the way he behaves now is because of them.
He's very untrusting of anything I tell him, he's jealous of any men in my life, he constantly checks my phone for things I must be hiding from him. I have to check in with him throughout my work day to keep him from thinking I'm flirting with other guys or doing things I shouldn't be doing. He isn't comfortable with me being involved with any of the committee's that I've always been involved with, he doesn't trust the men and assumes I must be trying to get with someone else. I've tried to explain to him that I'm networking with colleagues in my field, meetings can't be avoided. I've got a dinner meeting coming up that he insisted on wanting to go to, this isn't an option, spouse's aren't invited, if they were I'd have invited him to it. He's insisting on sitting in the bar and waiting for me to get done, he thinks something is fishy about a meeting at a restaurant. I've told him I'd rather not go to it because it's embarrassing for me to have him sitting either there or in the car waiting for me, I'm not a child I don't need a babysitter.
He doesn't want me to meet my girlfriend's for drinks/happy hour. He's under the impression that women can't be in a bar without some guy trying to hit on them. My guy friends, those are out of the question, ugh. He believes men and women can't be friends without a sexual relationship whereas I believe it's completely possible.
Anything that takes time away from him he is resentful towards. He'd be happy if I spent all day texting him or talking to him on the phone. I've told him on many occasions that I have a life other than him and he can't have all of my time which of course he doesn't like to hear. I've given up on talking to my friends about any issues that are going on with our relationship, and at this point I'm beginning to feel isolated from my friends and family. I know that's not healthy for me, whereas he's constantly telling me that I'm all he needs, he doesn't need the "extras" that I do. I don't think having independence is an extra, I think that's normal.
These are just a few of the issues that I have, if someone could give me some insight as to how I can fix this or tell me if I'm being unreasonable I'd greatly appreciate it.
Dear breezy 88,
When a man usually tells you that he is attracted to all of the crazies, it's a red flag, especially if they are unwilling to answer how they contributed to the craziness. But let's just for argument sake say he isn't at fault.
It's understandable that he has been hurt in the past based on what he has told you. He has an anxious attachment style which causes him to be desperate to form a fantasy bond. Instead of feeling real love or trust toward you, he often feel emotional hunger. He's looking for you to rescue him or complete him. Although he's seeking a sense of safety and security by clinging, his actions are pushing you away, correct?
In order to start him on the path of healing, ask him, what is his definition of a healthy relationship? If he some good examples that you agree with, then ask him what are some of the things he is doing that aren't considered healthy? If he is unable to give you answers,might need to seek understanding with a coach, or a therapist for answers. If he overall is a great guy that is worth helping, then you might want to go together.
I hope that was helpful. If you would like more information on anxious attachment style, feel free to reach out to me.
Coach Keith Your Tango Expert @
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"How I can fix this?"
No one can fix another person, unless this person wants to change himself. However, you can do something to improve the whole situation, by uplifting your own attitude to your boyfriend, yourself, and the situation in general.
Your insecure boyfriend attracts what he is afraid. He already made you feel frustrated, and he will continue making you to feel bad about him, and even to do something that he fears. Even if you try to please him and make him happy, it won't work in a long run. He may be a good guy, but his problem is his own task to work on. Your task is not to fix him. Your task is to think about you and your feelings.
Start thinking of you of worthy an ideal boyfriend. How would your ideal relationship look like? Who would your boyfriend look like? What qualities does he have? Secure, trusting, strong, confident, etc. Your current relationship helps you to be absolutely clear what do you want to see in your ideal relationship. Dream and ponder on this topic as long as possible, every day, and you will notice how your own feelings improved. You will start feeling hopeful, loving yourself, and even excited, expecting happiness.
Then you can look at your present boyfriend and see if you can notice his many positive aspects? Are there other qualities in him that you really like and may prefer to focus on? Perhaps you start deliberately concentrate on his good sides, preferring avoiding his bad sides. It's possible that he would notice, too, your shift in attitude toward him, and he will stop worrying about your worry about his insecurity. Or, the law of attraction will send you another guy with qualities you desire. Keep being focused on what you want to see in your ideal boyfriend!
"Tell me if I'm being unreasonable."
Your reasons are valid, but they don't serve you. By focusing on what you don't want, you will get what you don't want. My advice is - focus on what you want - and you will eventually attract your desired relationship, no matter if he is your current boyfriend or someone new.
Feel-Good Mentor, Aigul, at http://AABUNDANCE.com
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This post has made my skin crawl. I went through the same situation a few years ago. I know this post is a bit older, but anyone whom finds this down the road may find this helpful. I dated a man for a few years, and he had a similar background. Cheated on multiple times, scammed out of money, had an online Catfish screw him around for 2 years, etc etc. When I got to him, it was like he was a broken man. I understood his struggles with trust and gave him a chance. Then another. And another. It was the same deal as what you are going thru. He was jealous of male friends. Then female friends. Then didn't want me to go for wing night at the pub with my girlfriends. He showed up uninvited at "girls' movie night" with a 100% FEMALE attendance. He combed thru my social media like an FBI agent. Checked my phone habitually. Hacked into my Facebook account. Searched my purse when I was sleeping (I woke up and caught him- twice) All in the name of needing to find proof that he could trust me. I never cheated, never gave my number out, NOTHING. Yet I kept putting up with it because I had nothing to hide, and assumed that over time he would realize this and back off. He couldn't handle any business trips or seminars I went to, literally texting and calling nonstop to the point where I was physically unable to hold a conversation with anyone due to him freaking out if I didn't respond within (literally) 1 or 2 minutes. If I got upset, put my foot down and told him to stop, he faked heart attacks, suicide attempts, and a car accident. This built up over the course of 2.5 years. Started slowly, with the "my exes are all crazy" excuse, and the "I just want access to your online accounts to keep my mind at peace" to the all-out crazy. Like you, I put up with it, feeling like If Only I could prove to him over time that I am different, he will stop this.... NO. They do not stop. They get worse.
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Part 2: The issue is NOT his exes. Think about it- what do ALL of his past relationships have as a common denominator? HIM! HE is controlling and manipulating you. He is making your life all about him, and not accepting anyone or anything that might take your time and focus away from him. Have you noticed that since being with him, your friendships have suffered? Your hobbies have taken a backseat? You feel like you haven't grown or learned as a person at all? I'll bet you have! This is typical ABUSER behaviour- isolating you from your friends and family so your support system slowly consists of Him only. Or making it SO stressful and guilt-inducing for you to go out without him that it's not worth it to do so. You are absolutely correct- independence is not an "extra", it's a part of a healthy relationship. You need and deserve to have a life outside of your boyfriend. To have friends and experiences that sometimes don't include him. You are not his prisoner, or his child. You haven't done anything to lose his trust, so you should not be putting up with his invasive behaviour. IMHO, the exes weren't stalkers- HE was. If you spoke with them personally, I would be willing to bet that their stories are entirely different than what's he's told you. What he's doing is abnormal and unhealthy. My advice- my STRONG advice- is to leave him before this gets worse, and before you lose any more of your youth on this guy. NO ONE deserves to walk on eggshells in a relationship. It will be a huge relief to get rid of this one, trust me.
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