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My non virgin boyfriend wants to be married before we have sex.

Published on November 19, 2013 by alz1227

I am a virgin, in my early twenties. He's a non virgin in his thirties. We get along great and are so happy and in love. We have been together for one year so far and believe me I want to marry this man. He's slept with 11 women. I honestly don't understand what's wrong with doing it with me? I did want to wait at first, but then something in my mind changed,he says we can do it if Ireally want to, but I don't want to feel like he's being forced. He's says it's a wonderful thing and that he wants to marry me first. Okay. So why couldn't he wait for me? Somedays he will say he's gonna take me to a nice hotel for the first time. Then he changed his mind and says we should be married first. He's a great guy and I would love to share this with him, I just hate feeling like he doesn't want it. Help! What to do? What should I say to him? Is waiting the better option?

ANSWERS

Hi there, hun --

I was a virgin when I met my now husband - I knew I wanted to wait until I was really into someone before I gave up my V. We were not married, not engaged - it was a few weeks into our relationship when we slept together and I do not regret it at all. It felt right.

But there is one thing: we were on the same page regarding sex and intimacy. In your situation, it sounds like you may not be - that he is trying to talk you into something that you might not be ready for...getting hitched.

Marriage is a HUGE deal, sex while it is important, is not something that ought to be withheld from you if you really want to experience it now.

Your age difference is also a factor here, so you might pause, talk with your friends, family or even a councilor before you think about becoming married. And sometimes people are just in different places, and that's totally OK -- you do not deserve to have marriage held over your head in exchange for him being your first. That's not empowering for you, or even him, nor a great foundation for the success of your relationship.

Be open with him, be honest -- how you two communicate together will say far more about your marriage working out than how you lose your V card...no matter how "fancy" the hotel is.

Best, Rachel

The above advise is spot on I'll add to it and say this is a power play. Age differences like this create a natural teacher-student like relationship. He is more experience, you are not. He knows what he wants and how to get it, you are still learning. This gives him the advantage in the relationship. It is not a bad thing, just a biproduct of the age differences. What can you do about it? Explain your concerns. Talk about this pink elephant in the room. It seems to me you need to vocalize what you want. Take control of your life. If you want to have sex with him, don't talk, just jump his bones and do it. If he stops you, take that as a big hint. If you truly love him, it shouldn't matter if he is your first. It's your choice, not his.

I don't disagree with the first two answers - they are spot on - but I'd like to offer another perspective. Is it possible that your guy feels guilty about his sexual history? Feels that he "used" his eleven prior sex partners? Doesn't want to do the same to you? This suggests a somewhat paternalistic, protective attitude, but that doesn't mean it isn't how he feels. Talk with him about the reasons for his seemingly inconsistent attitude towards sex with you versus with other women. Perhaps he feels differently about you than these other women. Or he is trying to be a different person himself. We all grow up eventually; some later than others.

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