YOUR VOTE

0 0

7 ANSWERS

My in laws (it's long, I know)

Published on December 1, 2010 by ket2010

My husband and I have been married since April 2010.  We did a quick ceremony because he had just gotten out of boot camp and only had a 10 day leave.  We told both of our families what day we planned on getting married but weren't sure of the time yet (we had to make an appt).  We found out the time the evening before we were to get married.  I let my family know and he let his know.  The next morning we were getting ready and getting our kids ready while his brother and brother's wife watched (we were staying with them so we could save money).  My husband told them we were leaving to get married and they said ok.

That night we came to pack a few things and his brother and his wife stopped us and accused us of running off to get married without telling anyone.  They began yelling at my husband who stormed off because he had just gotten back from boot camp.  I talked with them and thought we worked everything out.  A few weeks later, after my husband left for more training, his mom attacked me on Facebook saying we married in secret and how I was a horrible person.  She even changed her story about five times on how she didn't know we were getting married.  I had even told her myself when exactly we were getting married because she wanted us to hold the phone up so she could hear.  I told her we were going to have a DVD made and I would send her a copy and she said ok that would work.  She then began trashing me on the internet and his oldest sister (whos 32) began to join in.  My husband found out and got into fights with his whole family.  When confronted with what they did, they denied everything and turned it around saying I was doing horrible things, my husband told me to ignore them and after we were stationed together we would cut off contact until we knew how to fix things.

We've been stationed together for two months now.  Nothing has been fixed.  He tried talking to his mom about it and all she did was blame me and say we got married in secret and then cried because my husband yelled at her.  His family sees they did nothing wrong, and that I am the one who needs to apologize for this fight because I told my husband.  They say I broke up the family and before I came along everyone was really close, and I took my husband away from everyone (they would leave him alone at home to watch their kids while they went out or he would be in his bedroom alone playing vide games).  It seems as though this whole mess has been cooking up since before we got married because since he and I moved in together his whole family has been mad.

They glare at me when I am around, they talk nastily about me when I am one room over, and they try to control me and my husband.  I do not know what to do.  My husband wants to work things out with them and says they deserve another chance, but how many chances am I suppose to give?  I understand the holidays are coming up, but after them tearing me down repeatedly every day for 5 months I fell into a bad state of depression.  They would talk to me about his ex gf and how I didn't know him at all and that I needed to control him for them.  Then they would trash talk my husband in front of me about how horrible he is for things he didn't even do!  (I did tell him everything they said about the both of us)

I also do not want our kids around that family because of how horrible they treated me in fear that in the future they will do the same to them.  They tried saying there was something wrong with my now 5 year old because she walks on her tip toes and that my now 1 year old was going to have all the bad genetics.  They even tried saying my 1 year old was fathered by someone else!  I tried to be civil with them, but they would then turn around and talk trash about me when I did and try to get me to control my husband to do things they wanted him to do.

Am I being insane over wanting nothing to do with them?  Should I just try to forget what they did?  Do they deserve another chance or should I stick to my guns and say no they're never going to be in my or our kids' lives again?

ANSWERS

The answer in my opinion, in this type of situation is to not play into thier need to be petty about insignicant things. Not that you and your husband getting married was insignifacant but this families apparent undying need to be a part of the wedding. Your marriage was for the two of you and not the family, so they shouldn't even be concerned .This family obviously thrives on drama and even if you patch things up ,life with them will probably still be fairly awkward. This is probably a cycle for them and they probably have fueded with or are fueding with other family members or friends as well. Now what you have to do in this case, because fueds or disagreements are rarely one sided. You have to be honest with yourself and evaluate any actions on your part that may have made this matter worse. Putting a stop to the situation and letting the family's comments etc. go in the beginning would've probably been the best and easiest way to end this.Since the problem has already escalated you have to find it in yourself to accept your part in the matter and make the necessary amends and hope that this family will do the same. If you are able to do this and the family is not, then that's thier problem and they will be the ones making the decision to be a part of you, your husband and your childrens lives.

Your husband needs to get a handle on the situation. If they can't stop making nasty comments about you and can't get along, then he needs to set boundaries. He agreed to the arrangements, so he knows what really went on. He should NOT keep subjecting you to this juvenile behavior. I know that he wants everyone to get along, but he needs to hold them accountable. You are his WIFE. He is supposed to stand up for you, forsaking all others.

they r never going to change,they just dont like u.they r going to do their best to making feel bad about the situation but you need to stay away from them.sooner or later ur husband is gonna have to realized theres no other choise

Sweetheart,I'm in the same situation and I cut the whole family off,they were users and talk bad about me,to who ever would listen, I found out the whole family are narcissistic( crazy!) You know in your heart it's not going to work with his family; if they don't like you,leave them alone. They are the ones who are losing a good daughter in-law,they probably envy you,because they know your husband loves you and they don't like that.You got to live for yourself and the hell with them,move away from around them,they will cause problems in your marriage. Good Luck in making the right decision!

Hmm. Well sweetheart. In-laws can be a total nightmare. First of all, I would remove my Facebook account. Or just delete them as 'Friends.' If they ask why, just tell them that 'Facebook is not condusive to our relationship. I want to be a family, I do not want to fight.'

But FIRST, maybe you could call them and say 'I am so sorry it has come to this. I thought that I had given our wedding plans out clearly but perhaps there was some confusion. If so, I apologize. What could we do that would make this better?' Then shut up and don't say anything else. Write that down as a script if you need to but do NOT respond in any way if they go off on you after you've said that. Just listen, and then say 'Alight. Again, I am so sorry, Goodbye.' Any person with a soul would forgive you (altho I don't think you've done anything that requires forgiveness..but sometimes you have to suck it up for family.) Give them some time. They should get over it. If not, you have a lovely husband and children and live goes on. Your husband will eventually have to deal with his own family if that does not work. They sound very challenging. You might want to get the book 'Crucial Conversations' by Joseph Grenny at your library of Google it to get some free online tips. It has some good info on how to approach people who are very, very angry and difficult. I know he discusses difficult family members in some of his info. I've found it helpful. Try not to take it personally. I know it's hard, but what they are angry about is not really you or missing the wedding. There must be other issues behind the scenes.

ANSWER THIS QUESTION