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Give Advice: My Husband Won't Move In With Me

Published on August 8, 2012 by juliaplapla

We have been married for 1 and 6 months. Before we got married we lived together 3 times for 3 months each time, first time with his dad second time just him and me, third time with my Mom. We have always been fighting for important and stupid reasons. After the first 3 months of marriage I kicked him out of the apartment. His Mom was going to live with me and I was going to make the sacrifice but he lied to me about playing xbox with his brother behind my back and it not the first of his "white lies". We went back to boyfriend & girlfriend relationship we had before we got married, it has been a year like that, the fighting has gone from every week to every two or three weeks. He lives with his Mom and I live with mine. I feel lost because I am married but I sleep alone every night and don't live with my husband. He says that he cannot look for apartment for the two of us until his mom goes back to her country for six months because he does not want to make her unconfortable with the move as well as make his single brother unconfortable because he does not want to move with her even. Is this enough reason not to move with me or do I simply don't get the message that he does not want to live with me, probably never wanted to get married in the first place and he is completely happy with this situation?

ANSWERS

Well, I'm sorry you are going through this. When you are married to a man, it's only natural to feel frustrated that you are living together. I don't think that you doesn't want to live with you (he may or may not, I'm not sure), but what I do know is that he has some growing up to do. Perhaps both of you do. As his wife, you should have priority in his life over his family. He is so worried about his mom and his brother, but what about YOU? What about YOUR comfort?
However, you are also feeding his treatment of you because you agreed to go back to a boyfriend and girlfriend situation. You are married, not dating. If you want him to treat you like #1, you have to be clear about what you want and how you expect to be treated. Right now, he is treating you like a girlfriend. You want to be his WIFE and that is going to require that you explain yourself to him. I would suggest that you speak with him and tell him exactly how you feel; "I feel like I am second to your family and I don't want to feel this way as your wife. I want to live with my husband and I don't want to feel like I have a boyfriend when really I have a husband. How do you feel about what I just said? Do you agree?" See what he says. Ask him, too, what he needs from you to feel like your husband whom you love and are devoted to loving. He may still be upset that you kicked him out-- married couples work things out, they don't leave. All the best to you. I can see that you love him. Tell him how much you love him, too!

Well, I'm sorry you are going through this. When you are married to a man, it's only natural to feel frustrated that you aren't living together. I don't think that he doesn't want to live with you (he may or may not, I'm not sure), but what I do know is that he has some growing up to do. Perhaps both of you do.

As his wife, you should have priority in his life, over his family. He is so worried about his mom and his brother, but what about YOU? What about YOUR comfort?
However, you are also feeding his treatment of you because you agreed to go back to a boyfriend and girlfriend situation. You are married, not dating. If you want him to treat you like #1, you have to be clear about what you want and how you expect to be treated. Right now, he is treating you like a girlfriend. You want to be his WIFE and that is going to require that you explain yourself to him. I would suggest that you speak with him and tell him exactly how you feel; "I feel like I am second to your family and I don't want to feel this way as your wife. I want to live with my husband and I don't want to feel like I have a boyfriend when really I have a husband. How do you feel about what I just said? Do you agree?" See what he says. Ask him, too, what he needs from you to feel like your husband whom you love and are devoted to loving. He may still be upset that you kicked him out-- married couples work things out, they don't leave. All the best to you. I can see that you love him. Tell him how much you love him, too!

Thanks so much for your advise. I did. I talked to him I told him how much I loved him and missed him. He answer was no, you have to wait. When you kicked me out of the house my mom was there for me and I will turn my back to her to live with you. He does not want to talk about plans he does not know when his Mom is going to get her residence and be able to go to her country. He does know if he wants to start making plans and start looking for a place for us to live. I am in the same spot but I do feel better that I was able to express my feelings to him.

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