YOUR VOTE

1 0

5 ANSWERS

My husband wants to go out at night with his female colleague

Published on November 12, 2013 by juliennejae

My husband wants to go out at night and be with his friends. There's this certain colleague(female, married, has 3 children and more or less 10 years older than my husband) who constantly invites him out for dinner or hangout along with their other colleagues. Im not comfortable with this. Aside from that they often exchange text messages. I once asked my husband who is he texting? He told me that its his colleague and its nothing, theY're just talking nonsense. I told him that i feel odd and uncomfortable with this. He got mad and told me that im thinking bad over their friendship and suspecting him of unfaithfulness and im a jealous wife, im taking away his friends. For me, im not jealous of her, i just dont feel comfortable seeing him sitting in the corner of the house holding his phone and texting that colleague. While im working hard, doing the household chores, attending the costumers in the store. We once had a fight, the worst fight we had in our 5 years of relationship. Its almost 9 in the evening that colleague texted my husband, inviting him to a birthday party. My husband ask money from me, and told me he's going to a party. That time, we are having a hard time budgeting. His salary is really not enough, but somehow we manage to survive the daily expenses because we have a store. I told him not to go out because its too late and we're living 45 mins away from the city. Its not safe for u to go out and drive at this very hour. But he kept on insisting that he will go and attend the party. In my anger,i tested him, that if u are really going out tonight i will go home (my grandparent's house which is 4 hours away from the city. He got mad and irritated and told me its too much, he can no longer go out with his friends. He said he's tired of this whirlwind, i'll pack my things and he will drive me home. I felt my wholebody trembled of anger and self pity. I did everything for us i worked hard to keep our relationship but at a snap of a finger. He'll just say that he's tired of us? What will i do? Please help me.

ANSWERS

It sounds like you are under tremendous stress from work and the marriage. Working on a marriage needs to be a priority. From what I gather, communication has broken down between you two and he is looking in other places to fill the void. A good book to get is called "The Power of Two." It goes through some techniques about how to speak to your spouse to get your points across.

Sometimes couples don't ask the right questions of each other. How does your husband feel about you? Does he love you anymore? Does he want to be married to you anymore? These are questions you may not want to hear the answers to right now, but are germane to the healing process for yourself and your relationship with him.

I would suggest talking with a professional therapist (LCSW). I would let your husband know you are going to see the therapist because you want to be a better person and a better wife. Most people think that only weak minded people go see therapists. That is so far from the truth. They specialize to help you through your own baggage. If you can't figure out your own baggage, what makes you think you can figure the marriage's baggage.

Do not be discouraged if your husband tells you to piss off or is negative about your decision. Stay the course and do the therapy for yourself. Get stronger and be a better person for you first. If he still wants to stay married, eventually ask him to come with you.

Dear JulienneJae,

I will add to the advise above as it is pretty good. There is clearly a breakdown in the relationship and I would strongly recommend seeing a therapist. If he won't go with you, at least go by yourself. If he is going to start disconnecting from the marriage, better to have a therapist help you navigate the waters than do it alone.

It is not appropriate for either spouse to be texting a member of the opposite sex if it makes their partner uncomfortable. If it is just about business, there is no reason why it needs to be taking place outside of business hours, especially if he claims it's just nonsense. That is clearly no business and is personal.

It is extremely inappropriate that his female coworker is texting a married man and inviting him to parties. Is her husband attending these parties? I'll bet not. It's also a red flag that he doesn't see it as inappropriate to attend these parties without you. He's not a single frat boy anymore. He has a wife and a family to be accountable to.

If he is texting a female coworker about business, he should be able to do it in the open where you can see without hiding away in the corner. Obviously he is hiding something. It is inappropriate when it is being done away from or hidden from a spouse, and him getting defensive about it is also a red flag. People who have nothing to hide and aren't doing anything wrong have no problems showing their texts or messaging out in the open.

Being open about messages and communication with the opposite sex is the best way to promote trust and help keep each other accountable and avoid unnecessary temptations. He is participating in trust busting behavior. You need to have a heart to heart with him and find out how he feels about your marriage and if you both want to save it. I would seek counseling together and or separately if need be no matter what the answer is.

Best of luck.

-YourTango Expert

Thank you so much Annabellebugati and Alexburgman for answering my question. He told me that i should not be jealous of that co-worker because im more beautiful than her, she's old, married and has children. What bothers me is that they constantly exchange text messages, even late nights. I really want to stop him. But if i do he will not talk to me again and he will get mad. For invading his privacy and for thinking bad. He often tells me that im jealous, i dont trust him. How can i do that? When he's doing things that contributes to my paranoia?

You are worried that his behavior is destructive to the marriage. I see. You need to express how his behavior is affecting you. For instance in dialogue, "When you text your coworker late at night or spend time with your friends, I feel alone and isolated. I understand that you need your space and I want to be a supportive wife. It's just that I want to be near you. I want you to hold me like you used to. I'm worried that you don't love me anymore." Crying can actually help illustrate your feelings as well.

I know this probably sounds like a provocative romance novel, but it emphasizes a strong desire for a deep connection. Superficiality, such as jealousy, breeds resentment while focused raw emotions breed a deep connection. You need to delve into your deep emotions to make things better between you and your husband. I am willing to be the only reason her texts late at night and goes out with his coworker is because the deep connection between you and him has been lost and he is trying to make up for it in other ways. If you repair this connection, I think the texting and late night outings will slowly diminish.

It's not jealousy you are really feeling. It is a yearning to reconnect with the man you love. The anger that is bubbling up is only masking the feelings of isolation, insecurity, and the need to be accepted. The anger stems from a feeling of helplessness of not knowing what to do. To solve this, you need to take action. And I think I know how to help.

The following is only a list of guidelines. Please modify them to your situation, but the bottom line is to reconnect with your husband and understand him better. Timing is everything so you'll have to figure that one out on your own.

1.) Ask to talk with him if he is texting or schedule a time to talk about how his behavior makes you feel. Use the dialogue above as a guide.

2.) Once you make your feelings known. Listen to his response and don't judge. Hear his concerns and let him talk. Be receptive, vulnerable, nurturing, and supportive. Your sole goal is to understand where he is coming from because you want that deep connection with him because deep down you love this man. Let your anger, resentment, and jealousy go.

3.) Seduce him and initiate sex. Pull him close to you and take control a little. Use your femininity to your advantage and remind your husband why he married you. You may find that he reciprocates and it will turn him on more. You need to drop your guard and be accepting, not combative. A man needs to feel comfort with his woman, not attacked. By being vulnerable, you open a door for him to reconnect with you(if this doesn't work, you may really need the help of a counselor).

I can't guarantee that this will solve all your problems, but I believe it is a step in the right direction. Good luck.

One last thing. You cannot control what your husband says, feels, or does. Only what you do. You can express your thoughts, feeling, and wishes to him in a healthy way. You can act and do things for the benefit of the relationship or yourself. He is your partner who walks along side you to share his life with you, not to be told how to live his life with you. I hope this makes sense. You want him to stop with the hurtful behavior, give him a nonthreatening reason to stop: You love him and deep down he loves you. Rekindle that deep connection. And lastly get that book I suggested. It'll definitely help.

ANSWER THIS QUESTION