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My Husband Is Selfish...

Published on November 11, 2012 by smshw

My husband and I are moving to a new city to a house. We are moving because I have been attacked on several occasions with attempted robbery, one occasion being at gun point. After the last time, i broached the subject of leaving out current city to live somewhere safer. In making this suggestion my husband claims that the incidents that occurred were merely "coincidences". To make a long story short, I convinced him to agree to move. Since then he is acting resentful and treats me with a horrible attitude. I have expressed that his behavior is stressing me out and is making me scared. I am scared because my thoughts are that if he is not willing to sacrifice for us to have a better, safer life, what would happen when we do decide to have children. Will he be able to sacrifice whatever it would take to ensure that his family's well being was taken care of? Or will it be up to me solely to make sure that we are taken care of? I don't know how to get through to him even after explaining my fears to him. I have also expressed that I am tired of being around someone who only treats me with resentment day in and day out. I dont know what to do...PLEASE HELP!

ANSWERS

Obviously distressing for both of you. Yet some of the "S" words coming out may be clues and keys to defusing the intensity of this STICKY SITUATION.

SAFETY. First, it's understandable that you would be concerned about your safety there.Your SECURITY has been threatened, putting definite pressure and STRESS on your home scene, especially since it happened SEVERAL times. So, you've got to recognize that this has got you off center and at this point, affecting your SANITY. You're in fight or flight.

SUGGESTION. Your phrasing: ".. in making this "suggestion" about moving..... but be honest, SOUNDS more like it might have come across to him as a SUPPOSITION-- that he was "SUPPOSED TO" be willing to move, etc.-- especially considering his reaction. True or no?

SO, then his blowing it off to "coincidence" didn't help your insecurity, or help you feel like he cared or was appropriately concerned about you. Of course, there really are no coincidences, hon.

SCARED. It's interesting that you talk about being STRESSED AND SCARED in relation to him, not the attacks. But you're putting it all on him, like he's "MAKING YOU".. Hate to have to say it to you, but.. HE's NOT MAKING YOU STRESSED and SCARED, You are doing a good job of that Yourself.

SUPPOSITION. Your coming from a place of supposition and expectation about the situation, that HE SHOULD... have to SACRIFICE, regardless, SHOULD change his attitude, not have any reaction to being uprooted, etc, etc, says a lot. Have you taken any time to consider his feelings or how this is affecting his life, too? Again, You've shared your fears, how about his? How about a real, open, honest, heart-to-heart.

STRUGGLE. Your struggle and resistance over this is within you, but YOUR expectation, judgment and resentment toward him is making you both SEETHE. SELFISH? You're projecting, because you are really only SEEING the SITUATION from your SIDE.

Not trying to be cute or hard on you, either, but In keeping with the theme, you call him SELFISH --- but my dear, your own attitude in this is SAD, you are creating more of your own STRUGGLE and SORROW than you need, and I have to say, it kind of SUCKS. Nevertheless, you will remain STUCK until you SEE that what you've got here is a mirror.. of YourSELF.

The whole situation didn't happen by accident, Sweetheart, even if it SEEMS like you're being victimized. It's a mirror and a test. and an opportunity. And it's yours. You created it and it SOUNDS like you could grow from this, if you choose. STOP, take a breath and open your Heart..

Robberies are NOT merely "coincidences" - the majority of people in America can go through life without ever being attacked. If this has happened several times, your situation was not safe.

A husband is supposed to be protective of his wife. He can be terrified for you, or furious and want to kill the bastards who attacked you, he can even be unsure what to do, but to trivialize the attacks is just wrong. If he offered up some suggested changes that would increase your security, that might justify remaining where you were, but absent that, I'd get my wife out of there and to a safer neighborhood as soon as I could.

Now, I can understand that he might not have wanted to move. If he grew up in that neighborhood, has all his friends and family there, or has to give up a good job, it can be a hard thing to do. Did you and he discuss things and run through what options you had? Yes, your safety comes first, but no husband likes being excluded from unilateral decisions and told what he's going to do. If you have not yet picked out the neighborhood and house in which you will be living, make sure to involve your husband very heavily in those decisions

Since you are already committed to the move, be sweet and appreciative to your husband. Give him a hug and a kiss and, "Honey, I really appreciate what you're giving up to get me out of that bad neighborhood. I love knowing that you will always be my REAL man, and do whatever it takes to keep me (and later, our children) safe." Butter him up shamelessly, and make him out to be your hero (even if the reality is a bit different from the picture you're painting). Play to his male ego - every man LOVES being his lady's hero!

Earlier generations were not fools. Women of your grandmother's generation had a saying, "A good wife can get her husband to do anything she wants - but a GREAT wife will have him thinking it was HIS idea in the first place." Yeah, it's sexist and manipulative, but it's effective. Make him putty in your hands - you are training him and building him up to be the great man and husband you KNOW he can be.

Ms. Nancy,

I really feel like this answer is a judgement on me.

The only reason he is being resentful about moving is because he does not want a longer commute. I have given him time to think over this and I thought that we had made this decision together and it seems he is on board, and then he is off. I did not force him to move and i certainly did take his concerns into consideration. He is a very passive person and will voice his opinions and then jump on board. He then reacts as if I had made the decision on my own. I am scared of being attacked again, and I had wanted to move after the first attack, but he asked me to stay. I have stayed for 6 years and have been attacked 4 times, the most recent being this past September.

I finally had to put my foot down because if it happens again, I may not be so lucky.

What prompted me to ask this question, is not the fear of being attacked again, but the fear of living with a man who does not think the safety of his family should be more important than a "commute". These are things that I am sacrificing as well, and I am comfortable with it knowing that I will be living in a safer neighborhood. I am sacrificing convenience for safety.

I want him to see this too, but so far he has only resented me since we gave notice for our apartment. I am in no way a cold hearted "B", I acknowledge that change is hard for him and I know this. I have considered his feelings but they amount to nothing more than a selfish reason of not being able to get to work within minutes of leaving the complex.

But how much longer can I wait for him to jump on board with me and be completely on the same page? How long can I wait for him to realize that sacrificing for the sake of your family is always the right thing to do? I am scared that if he is not willing to make the sacrifice for us to be safer, when we have children he will feel the same way. It scares me to death to think that I will have to advocate against my husband for myself and my children to have what we need in order to be safe and taken care of.

I didn't create this situation, it was created the moment that I was attacked the first time and he had to be put to the test to respond as my husband. It is his duty as my husband to make sure that I am safe and secure, and in return it is my duty as well. I will do whatever it takes to make sure that he is safe and secure, but it doesn't seem that he would do the same, by the reaction that I am receiving.

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