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My husband knew I didn't want him watching porn after catching him do it. Behind my back he did for a 15 month deployment in IZ

Published on June 12, 2009 by ciara33

So my husband knew from the first time I caught him watching porn that I didn't want him to do it. We made home videos, took photos, and I wrote him dirty emails so he didn't need any porn. He did watch our videos off and on and I guess became bored with it...I'm not really sure! So he began beating of to porn he got from coworkers. Eight months into the deployment he came home and brought the camera back with him and we made more videos, took more pictures. He took the camera back with him and left the charger. So the last seven months of deployment he beat off to other porn. I didn't learn this untill he came home from Iraq and I found out he was watching porn. Then he admitted to leaving the charger and was too afraid to tell me. Which doesn't make since because I send him packages all the time and I would have GLADLY sent his charger. I feel that beating off to another woman is a sign of an unfaithful man and a form of cheating. I beleive anything sexual outside of the consent of your spouse is cheating. He like any other man doesn't see anything wrong with it. He tells me no matter what he watches he loves me too much to ever cheat on me and that he only did it because it helped him get to sleep. I feel it is deception that he did it behind my back and that I had to find out for myself. He never openly admitted it to me.
I also know he use to watch it at one point for entertainment, because he had a buddy who liked Asian porn. I found that out, because in a video one of his friends made in Iraq, he was making fun of this other guy for his taste of Asian porn.
Since he knew I didn't like it and proceeded to do it anyway behind my back, should I be questioning his honesty, loyalty, and faithfulness? Or am I being paranoid?
I love my husband more than anything. He tells me all the time that I am the best thing that ever happened to him and that he doesn't know what he would do if he ever lost me. Since I feel so strongly about it and he doesn't... what should I make of this?
I've tried getting over this for close to four months, but can't put it past me. I've tried to forgive him and wait to see if he does it again, still we fight about it.
I've tried to understand and deal with it...then it gets brought up and hurts just as much to talk about it as it did when I found out. Should I take it as a sign that later he will be unfaithful? My husband I feel is great in every aspect but this. I have noticed I'm less attracted to him for what he did and it's scary. I've lost trust in him and it hurts. I don't know what to do anymore!!!

ANSWERS

I actually joined the site to answer this....

I totally agree with you Ciara. We shouldn't feel so alone- millions are disgusted by porn- it's disgusting depiction of women, it's caricaturization of female sexuality, objectification, etc- before we even TALK about what it means in terms of a relationship.

I have yet to hear a "pro"-porn answer to the heart of the issue "beating off to another woman is a sign of an unfaithful man and a form of cheating". And it IS- discovering that their best friend, lover, father of their children, soulmate, etc FANTASIZES ABOUT OTHER WOMEN AND MASTURBATES TO THE IDEA OF SCREWING THEM is nothing short of devastating to millions of women, myself included.

But your question seems to extend far beyond subjective criticisms of porn's content: your husband is doing things (things many DO consider to be cheating) which you've DISCUSSED with him, asked him not to do, and (assuming) he told you he wouldn't do. Even if the guy DOES need release to sleep, why the hell couldn't he "use" the hella sexy pics of you, or just remember sexy times you've had together?

You deserve the best. There ARE millions of men who aren't into porn (I've had the good fortunate to date several) and of those who are, I'm sure PLENTY would shelve it in a heartbeat at the chance to be with you, an actual LIVE woman. If it's a deal breaker, I'd say to end things. It's more about betrayal at this point than porn, I'd say. He lied to you. Because he lacked the common decency to refrain from things he KNEW hurt you. If it's not, I'm sure you can find a way to compromise.

I wish you the very best of luck. I know how devastating porn can be. :(

I understand why you don't like him watching porn but I don't think that is a sign that he would be unfaithful to you.

I'm a female and I watch porn sometimes when I'm with myself, but I have no desire to be with anyone else BUT my boyfriend.

I, too, joined the site just so I could respond to this.

And Ciara, you're making way too big of a deal out of this.

I'm not sure why you are so offended by pornography, or you are letting this become a huge factor in your relationship. You're actually trivializing the emotional connections the two of your share and everything else in your relationship by thinking this is such a huge deal.

Everyone had fantasies. I'm positive you've thought about other men. Everyone looks at other people. The difference is whether you act on it.

If you believe, realistically, that you will never look at another man and your husband will never look at another woman, you're crazy. Attraction to other people is a fact of life.

You just need to put your big girl pants on and get over it.

Hey Ciara! I hope you are doing well. I think you have to begin with taking an inventory of your relationship. Is this the only issue or are there many more? Men and women are two totally different creatures. Men have different view.points on love, sex, relationships, shopping, etc. But that doesn't mean that we as women are incapable or unable to understand them. Maybe your husband's predisposition to seek out porn is a behavior he has engaged in long before you were in the picture. Has he known about your feelings on the issue since the beginning of your relationship or did it come up only after you 'caught' him? It seems to me that you and him have polarized opinions on this specific subject and unfortunately it wasn't addressed until you had made comittments to each-other. Communication is key here. I understand that you feel as though you have communicated to him your thoughts and feelings and he has ignored the fact that his actions will continue to hurt you. But instead of the issue being black or white maybe you two can come to a reasonable middle-ground. You will have to do a lot of soul searching. Why does it bother you so bad? And he will too. Why is he unable to be open and honest about his own feelings about porn? But as you have already discovered, when you confront him and try to make him stop all he will do is become more secretive and deceptive. You should focus on his positive attributes while slowly working thru this porn issue. Any relationship is a team effort; give and take. Apparently your guy is one of many that enjoys pornography and sees nothing wrong with it since he is not physically having sex with another; he just enjoys watching. You, on the other hand, feel betrayed and hurt with every instance you find out about. Neither one of you is wrong, you are just two individuals with different opinions. Can your relationship work? That is for you and him to decide. If it doesn't work, then the next time you begin to get involved with someone I would highly suggest you ask very early on what their views on porn are. We are all human and imperfect. If you love him, I would try to work through this issue

I can relate. When I was much younger porn really bothered me. I felt as though I was competing with these somewhat perfect (physically) women and it bothered me that he might find them more attractive or better then me. After lots and lots of long talks with men... friends and partners, I've come to realize that this isn't the case at all. It isn't a competition. It isn't a warning cue that they are going to cheat. It is simply a quick visual that gets them to their final goal... orgasm.

I tried, in the past, to make my boyfriend stop using it... it just caused more issues between us, and looking back on it, I now know it was for nothing. He was faithful to me, he had no urge to leave our relationship for someone else, and it was in fact my own insecurities that were causing all the problems.

Now, I embrace porn! It is something that my husband and I use to spice up our sex life. I don't see those women as a threat, nor do I see anyone's desire to watch it as a sign that they want to sleep with someone other then their partner.

I think your husband sounds like he is completely in love with you. Try to work through this issue... perhaps watch some with him, or let it play in the background while you two are enjoying each other... slowly warm yourself up to it, and I bet he'll be even more sprung on you for being the extra cool wife! :)

Good luck!

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