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MY husband bought a sex toy that he wants to use all the time and I don't.

Published on October 27, 2009 by jinny

it is a silcone(?) penis enlarger that slips on him and can also be used as a dildo for me. My problem is he is obssessed with it and wants to use it almost all the time. I think it is ok but prefer his penis the way it is and I have told him so but he insists that this is better. This is not just a new thing, he has had this for 2 yrs and he is still obssesed by it. I am feeling horrible about it and don't want to use it anymore or as little as possible and I DON"T want to masturbate with it and tell him about it after ward. I don't ordinarily masturbate, not comfortable with it. I don't think that it helps our sex life because if he thinks I like it, he wants me to do it all the time for him. He gets so disapointed if I don't have and orgasm most of the time and I feel as if he is having sex for himself and not for us if you know what I mean Any ideas?


Wow that's a tough issue to deal with, my heart goes out to you! Sounds like he is looking for a threesome or some fantasy in that area. Guys who will insist on enlarging an already satisfactory penis are sometimes looking to fantasize that you are actually having sex with another man...he may realize this isn't something you would be comfortable with and is trying to introduce the idea in what is for him a nonthreatening manner. Still, if you aren't enjoying the experience he should be willing to listen to your concerns and then open up to you about what he's really after. The question I have for you is: Can he open up to you without risking his marriage to you? If the answer is no then you are creating a hostile environment to truth, that approach will hurt you so badly. Now, I'm not criticizing you merely empathisizing...I did that to my husband for years!

We managed to work out our differences and achieve a state where we are both happy, fulfilled and getting what we need but it takes openess and total honesty. It hurts though and I do feel for you both. I hope you can work this out together but if you need to talk I'm here to listen :)

I think you really need to talk with your husband. You need to let him know if you don't want to do something. It's okay if you don't want to masturbate for him or use the dildo/penis enhancer. You need to talk to him and be very clear that you feel he's using the toys too much and you're not having fun/enjoying yourself since he isn't taking hints. However, I would suggest that you balance it by talking about the kind of sex you do want. Think about what pleases you and talk about times when he was doing that. Try to make it a positive conversation as much as you can. Choose the time you talk carefully and take a break if he gets defensive. Work really hard at being honest that this isn't working for you without making him feel like a bad lover. Let him know if you're feeling pressured and it interferes with your pleasure. Apologize for not having told him before.

You may want to think about why he thinks sex with the dildo is better, too. Maybe there is some reason he thinks that even though you say the opposite. Do you seem to get more pleasure when you use it? He may be noticing something when you are not in a state of mind to think rationally. Does the enlarger act like a c-ring and help him get erect or stay erect longer? Is he fixated on your orgasm - do you only get one when you masturbate? Then he might believe that it is better for you, even if what you want is something else than an orgasm. You might want to ask him about some of these questions.

I would recommend that if you don't mind the toys, you take a little vacation from them and then consider adding them back occasionally, for his sake. I think you need to be very clear that if you do it, you are doing it for him. Not in a mean I don't really like this way (if you really don't like it, you shouldn't do it), in a I love you, so I'll do this to please you sometimes.

I think Airen's insight into why he likes the penis enhancer is very interesting - he could be fantasizing about seeing you have sex with another man. However, I strongly believe that it's okay if you don't want to act out all of his fantasies. For many people, acting out certain fantasies can lead to problems in the relationship.

I think in an honest relationship, you have to be free to tell him, no, I will never do that, if that is what you want/feel/believe. He should not expect that you will go along with it. I don't think that's creating a negative environment for honesty. I think your husband is creating a negative environment for honesty by pushing you to do something he enjoys even though you keep trying to tell him you're not interested.

Wow, just tell him that your happy with his penis. i honestly think maybe he wants to use that because he's not happy with his penis size and thinks it makes you happier and more satisfied when he uses it, explain to him you want him NOT plastic. just sit him down and calmy explain :]

Sounds like he has size issues. A lot of men do. It also sounds like he is a visual man. What he sees of himself and from you is what turns him on. After two years, yes I have been here sort of, I would say "Oh, you want the toy? I don't. So you play with the toy else where and I'll meet you back in bed." I think it is great that you will masturbate in front of him at all, because most people will not; but yes it gets old fast. I mean what do we need them for sexually if all we do is self pleasure with and without them? Let him know this aspect. No really.....a relationship is two not self. When he can make it so it is not self, then you'll make it two; but as long as it is self then do self else where alone. I mean no really what do I need you for if I have self and self is all you want? One other thing I did, I bought my own toy, the rabbit, and let him know I was not telling him to do anything that I myself was not willing to do, and no he could not watch "My toy, My time" We don't have these issues anymore, and we let each other know when the new turn on, fetish, or kink becomes mundane and the same old same ol for too long of time. It was great in May, but is boring in September.