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My ex lied to me...I need closure!

Published on September 4, 2012 by sandra

Let me begin by saying that I'm in a loving relationship with my live in boyfriend of 8 years...we have 2 children together, a house, joint financials; everything except the marriage part, but that's a whole other story. 

Long story short, after dating my ex for 2 years he confessed to me that he was married in another country and had a child.  But that he was separated and didn't have a romantic relationship with her, and he was going to get a divorce to marry me.   Eventhough I knew that he wasn't the ONE, I was in love and I forgave him.  However, I never quite forgot that he had deceived me, and when I met my current love I didn't think twice in leaving him.  Over 9 years have passed since, and to tell you the truth, I rarely remember or think of my ex.  It just happened that a few days ago I came across his facebook page, which of course I browsed.  It was obvious to me that he has always been in a relationship with his wife.  My ex still lives in Califonia and the wife in the other country, which I don't get?  But as I was going thru his pictures I saw a picture of her, which he describes as, "My wife, my one and only true love."  I don't know why, but all of a sudden I feel hurt, he used and lied to me all along!  I feel very conflicted because I feel like sending him a message letting him know that I know the truth now and that it's not OK!  However, I know my current love would not approve of it, but I can't help but feel this way.  I feel like I need closure and to get this off my chest & mind once and for all.  What should I do? Help! 

ANSWERS

You, "...didn't think twice in leaving him" for another man, yet you feel hurt because he states that his wife is his one and only true love? Sounds like you two were quite a pair - him as the snake for messing around with you while married to someone else, and you as the opportunist who stayed with him , then dumped him as soon as something better came along.

You say that 9 years have passed and that you rarely even remembered your ex until you came across his Facebook page. Furthermore, you say that you are, "...in a loving relationship with my live in boyfriend of 8 years...we have 2 children together, a house, joint financials; everything except the marriage part" (BTW - best check with a lawyer. From what you describe, you may have a common-law marriage and not know it, depending on the laws of your state).

Your current love would be right to be upset over what you're doing. Aside from perhaps being worried that you're ready to dump him for something "better", as you did with your ex, he may be aware that something like 1/3-1/2 of divorces specifically cite Facebook as a contributing cause of the break-up (looking up ex-flames online is pure toxin to relationships).

Seek some counseling from a minister or a therapist, NEVER look up an old flame again, and focus on nurturing the loving relationship you have with this current man in your life and the father of your children. Let the past STAY in the past, and give both your current and former flames a break.

Thanks for your comment; however, I don't consider myself to be an opportunist. I stayed with him because I had feelings for him, but I could never quite get over his lying. I was interested in him as a person, I didn't have a hidden agenda or tried to gain anything from him. And I most definitely, never lied or cheated on him. When I became interested in my current partner, I was upfront with my ex and let him know. I'm sorry if this seems bad, but I guess I did the right thing considering that I'm happy and considering that he was lying all along.

Yes, you are right, I do have a common law marriage, and I'm ok with that. I love my partner, there isn't a marriage certificate, but I consider him to be my husband.

I know my partner wouldn't like me contacting my ex. This is why I feel so bad. I would not at all leave him for anyone. I love him and we have a loving relationship, and he's a wonderful father to our children. I didn't look my ex up on facebook, he came up on the side bar of my page as "people you might know." I'm only human and couldn't resist checking out his page. I just can't believe how much he lied to me that's all, and I felt like letting him now...with no intentions of seeing him or having anything to do with him. I just felt like letting him know that I know the truth now.

Maybe, I do need counseling and like you said I should, "let the past stay in the past." I probably shouldn't be wasting my energy on him. Thanks for your response, I really appreciate it.

My comment about a common-law marriage was not a condemnation. It was a warning that if this relationship breaks up, it will not be as easy to do as one might have thought. As far as the courts are concerned, if you have a common-law marriage, it has all the same expense and hassles to end it as if there was a marriage certificate - there is no just packing up and moving out.

Don't get into letting your ex know you know the truth now - all it will do is stir up old wounds and emotions (and create new ones with your current partner.

Finally - an idea. Since you and your partner have a family and a life together and you consider him to be your husband, why not consider having an actual wedding and formally marrying him? Even though it may not change how you are living, beyond putting a marriage certificate on the wall, the formal declaration before friends, family, and God of your love for and commitment to each other can be a powerful statement of affirmation to each other. Renewing marriage vows is a powerful experience for married couples - "making it official" can prove quite moving to you and him.

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