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My boyfriend's mother has blackmailed my boyfriend.

Published on August 6, 2012 by macystarz

My boyfriend has a very contolling mother who is very wealthy. We've been together 2 years. He says no woman will be good enough for her son. The mother had a disasterous relationship with my bf's ex wife and has a bad relationship with his sister in law. She told him if he stays with me she is cutting out of the family. I have only met her once as he has kept me away from her to protect me. I love my boyfriend very much, he is my best friend. He is very kind and loving. His mother was a big reason for the breakdown of his previous marriage. When he was married he was forced to choose between his wife and his mother's financial help. The mother even has access to his bank acount to see where he spends his money. When his parents found out we went on a holiday together, they said its me or them. I am a very kind person and have never done anything hurtful to him or his family,

ANSWERS

I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. I think that the only thing you can do is tell him how you feel and what you want in a boyfriend; "I feel really stressed out and angry about this. I feel bad for you and what you have been through, too. However, I don't want a boyfriend who is under the control of other person, especially someone like your mother who is doing these things to you. I want a man who is willing to do what it takes to be independent of controlling people, even if it means getting another job and breaking free of financial ties. What do you think? Don't you feel like she is controlling your happiness and keeping you down?" See what he says and honestly, be prepared to walk away. I know his mother is awful, but the truth is he is not helpless and without a mind of his own. He could have left his mother and her money for his ex wife. He could have told his mother "adios" years ago. You deserve a great man who has all the wonderful qualities that he has but who ALSO has a spine. He needs to break free of her but unfortunately, only HE can make that decision. You can talk to him about it, but you can't make him grow up and stand up to her. That's his responsibility and until he does that, you have two choices: sit and take her controlling ways or leave. I know it's hard, but just like a wife of an alcoholic, you can't make him do anything that he isn't ready to do. If you stay and continue to complain and expect change, you will end up angry at him and will become another woman in his life who is trying to make him do something. Get him the number of a therapist and give it to him without pushing him to call. He may want out, but may need professional help to get there. And... while he gets help, you are going to have to wait patiently, and I must say, if he is THIS controlled by his parents, the codependency present in that relationship is not going to go away in a week or even some months. You are going to be in for a lot of stress.
Good luck and I hope you find happiness!

Questions to consider 1.Is your boyfriend and only child and overly dependent on his parents? 2.Has there been a disaster or trauma in the family that has caused the unbalanced relationship between your boyfriend and his parents? 3. Are his parents financially dependent on him and are they ill?

You have a problem with his parents, but your primary problem is with your boyfriend. He allows access to his financial records and his financial decisions. And, he had to allow his parents to ruin his first marriage. They couldn't do that without his help.

I'd suggest you set some boundaries. 1. Insist that he deny parental access to his finances and his financial choices. 2. Insist that he let his parents know that he has chosen to spend his time and his life with you, and they have no say what-so-ever in that decision. 3. Seek relationship counseling so a professional,non-emotionally involved 3rd party can guide you and your boyfriend out of this chaotic parental relationship.

Until he is able to be an adult son, and put his relationship with you first, you will find you are living in dysfunction and chaos.

Thanks for the advise. We are getting councilling. Ultimately it is his life and he needs to have an adult relationship with his parents to actually have a life. He thinks he knows how to handle his parents by appeasing them, and dancing around the challenges. I don't have any romantic ideals his family will embrace me. His parents live 4 hours away which is helpful. I love and care for him and want to be there for him, but at the same time, i am not going to live an unhappy life. His father attempted suicide multiple times and his mother was always there to hold it all together. The mother is getting something out of the relationship, cause she has a relationship with her son after he divorced his wife. My bf is getting something out of the relationship cause his patents help him out a lot and through the divorce. Obviously I won't get anything out of this relationship if he continues his parents to control his life. I have told him I am 42 and I don't need an adolecent situation, O need an adult relationship.

Thanks for the advise. Yes, i'm not the controlling type. Hopefully therapy will be a good start. I don't expect him to be cured of the co-dependancy thing, just have a slightly normal situation. I don't expect to join his family for dinners.

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