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My boyfriend's kids say it's them or me

Published on April 22, 2012 by bratticus

My BF's ex left him 3 years ago.  He had custody of their 2 teenage daughters and preteen son.  The ex, let's call her Skank, was cheating on my BF and had nothing to do with the kids for the first year while she was partying and sleeping around.  She never left town, she just wanted to be free to have fun.  After a year of this, she started spending time with the kids again (as in letting them do whatever they want at her house and buying them whatever they want.)

BF and I were casual friends at the time.  The 2nd year after Skank left, he and I became close friends while I dated other men; it wasn't until after he had been divorced a year that we started dating. 

Skank has been telling her kids that she left my BF because he was having an affair with me which is a load of crap.  She has tried numerous times to win him back, and claims that if it weren't for me they'd still be married.  BF's daughters are emotionally blackmailing him to give me up or give them up.

So far, he has always chosen me, but I think he's starting to lose heart.  BF and I spend a lot of time together, but only when the kids are in school or at their mom's so it isn't a question of them not liking me or me taking time away from their dad.  In fact, I was like an aunt to them when they were growing up (Skank and I had been friends since we were kids and our extended families were close.)  Skank even wanted her kids to spend more time with mine but now she's poisoning them into hating my kids and me. The girls lie and are manipulative like their mom.  One already moved in with Skank and the other is always trying to do the same.  So far, this has been the best relationship my BF or I have ever had but I'm worried the girls will ruin it.  

Does anyone who has been in this situation have advice as to what worked and what didn't? 


This isn't really an answer to your question, but another way of looking at it:

[HTML_REMOVED](All of my comments are mere projections since I don't know the situation.)[HTML_REMOVED]

Kids in a divorce are innocent victims and completely helpless to stop their parents from destroying their lives.

First their mother abandoned them for a year and they couldn't do anything about it.

Now their mother is back. That's good (for them) because they've missed her and her attention and love.

But now dad might be drifting away (hanging out with you).

Just when it looked like their lives would be stable, another crisis appears (you).

Unlike adults, who can just shrug off problems, these kids are trapped. They minors. They are tired of change. They just want stability and love from their parents.

They want to be the center of attention rather than the voiceless victims in a divorce drama.

I hope this helps. It's not you vs. the kids. Your challenge is finding a way of meeting the kids' needs first and bringing peace to their lives, even if it means making nice-nice with their mother.

Once they feel secure, they will be more open to you.

Don't try to be mom to them. Let them visit him alone. It's up to the parents of the girls to work out a solution. It sounds like she is not ready to compromise. Even in abusive situations, they still want to protect their mother because she's the only one they have and they don't know any other way. What the kids need is a calming, supportive, caring loving environment and she has put it into their heads that their dad's place is not longer so. So, now they only have her to hang on to. It's not your fault they broke up and really, it's not your job to fix their child raising problems, especially when someone is being irrational. Adding yourself to their confusion will just add fuel to the fire. Be supportive and he should keep loving lines of communication open and the door. It's the parents responsability. It's hard to step in and help if people don't want help. Also, you shouldn't have to tip toe around and pretend your relationship doesn't exist. Eventually, they will have to accept that you are together but, for now make it known that you aren't there to take over but, are willing to help if they need it.

Your boyfriend is being abused by his ex. It is called parental alienation syndrome, and it is vicious. He needs to talk to a lawyer. It might be expensive, but it will be worth it to him. If you love him, he will find comfort in your support. If you don't love him, run.