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Give Advice: My Boyfriend Has Been Looking At Escort Websites

Published on January 5, 2012 by jade

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years, we've had our ups and downs.  My trust in him has been a little bit shaky in the past but has grown more over the past year. Recently though, I saw in the search history (not snooping, I was trying to find a website I had been on the day before) he had visited 3 different escort websites (have to pay money for the ladies) and one other that was similar to the Craigslist adult section, where one can meet up with locals for free sex. 

I was very hurt when I saw these sites, but I did not jump to conclusions and decided to ask him about it. When I did, he said he was "curious" and wanted to see the naked pictures on those websites instead of porn. I heard what he had to say and excepted it as the truth. But weeks have gone by and he appears to go to these escort sites close to on a daily basis, except now he will clear the history (sometimes I think he forgets, which is how I know he is still going to the sites). A few days ago I found two profiles from the escort site Bookmarked on his computer.

I just really need some thoughts from you all. I'm just confused because I keep thinking, "I'm never go on male escort sites or really have the desire to.  So why does he?" Is there reasons other than "Oh, he's just a guy, guys are more sexual, visual etc."? I just feel like there is a difference between going from looking at porn to looking at escort sites....

I would really appreciate any advice!

ANSWERS

I think it is definitly something you have the right to be concerned with. I dont think there is anything wrong with a guy who is in a relationship looking at porn. But an escort site is totally different. My main concern would not neccasarily be the fact that he is frequenting the site but the fact that you approached him on it and now he is trying to cover his tracks and hide it. Why does he have to hide it if its just the pictures. I would suggest bringing it up again (not in a nagging way) but just let him know that it bothers you and ask him if it is something that you are are arent doing that maybe has his interest somewhere else. I think communication is going to be the best way to get past this and find out what is really interesting him on these sights. i hope this helps. Best of luck to you.

I would never be with someone who looks at porn on a daily basis. To me, the time spent there could be time spent with me, with his friends, and on other normal activities like hobbies and sports. I read that men who look at porn daily find real sex with a real life woman less satisfying than a man who doesn't do this.

Usually men like this get worse, and spend more and more hours on this activity. People with addictions don't care if they lose their partner because of their addictions. That's why he hasn't stopped even though you found out about it, and were upset about it. Then if you got married and had children together, he'd probably still be spending time on his porn rather than with you and the kids.

There are men who do not look at porn on a daily basis. I wouldn't risk my happiness on a man who looks at porn every day. If you stay with him, it means you are accepting of the behavior and it's not a dealbreaker for you, so why should he stop. You can only choose one lifetime partner to be with. Don't you want a man who makes you the priority, and doesn't have this sickening addiction? And soon enough, even if he isn't buying a woman now, he may later, and then you have to worry about STD's. Run as fast as you can before it's too late!

Not every "interest" is an "addiction". It sounds like you think that a woman (really, her standards and ideals) should control 100% of a man's life. Not many men will submit to this degree of control.

Would you want a man who thought that his personal "should's" and "shouldn't's" should control every aspect of your life? No? What if he said that he had "good reasons" that proved that he was "right" about everything? Still no? What if he said that all of his guy friends agreed with him that you should do everything his way?

Men (and women) use porn to become sexually aroused. What they do with the arousal is a separate matter. Any woman can keep any man too sexually exhausted to be interested in porn if this is important to her.

One of the spiritual laws of the universe is, "Whatever you resist, persists." Another such law is, "The person with the upset is the person with the problem."

Notice that the man that you have spent 2 years with is doing something and you don't truly know why. By this, I mean that you cannot see the activity from his point of view. Everything people do makes perfect sense from the point of view of the person doing it.

If you find yourself saying, "I don't understand why he is looking at escort sites", listen to your own words. You don't understand. Maybe instead of reacting to what he is doing in a way that makes him want to hide it from you, you should take the time to find out what it is that he gets out of looking at those sites.

There is an opportunity to have fun with this. A lot of women fantasize about being an escort and having a man pay them for sex. You could try role-playing this with him. Men (and women, too) like "variety", but a lot of couples don't get how much variety they can generate without involving other people.

My advice - Sit down with your boyfriend and ask him what his intentions are regarding 1) You, 2) These escort sites, especially the ones he has bookmarked. If he doesn't answer, gives evasive answers or gives you vague loosey-goosey answers, then he, and therefore your relationship, has communication problems. His frequenting these sites means he is missing something in his relationship with you and he may be too passive to talk with you about it. What he thinks he is missing may be a fantasy he can't ever get, or it may be something real that he can get (from you). It isn't useful to use your interest in escort sites as a gauge of his interest, so leave any comparison of interest out of conversations with him. In addition to asking about his intentions, tell him how you feel about his behavior. I suggest you use this structure when talking wtih him about your feelings - "I feel (blank1), when you (blank2), because I think that means (blank3), and what I want from you is (blank4)". Fill in the blanks as follows blank1 - what you feel about his beahvior blank2 - What he is doing (or not doing) that triggers your blank1 feeling blank3 - What you think it means that he is doing blank2 blank4 - What you need from him. Its best if this is a request for information and NOT a request for him to change. If he wants to change, especially if he sees or believes doing so is best for his relationship with you, then he will. I suggest the two of you also read the book "Truth in Dating" by Susan Campbell. Read it together and discuss it together. If these don't work I suggest getting counseling together. You go alone if he won't go with you. If you choose this option, be picky about who you choose for a counselor. Interview at least 3 and go with the one that feels right to both of you (or to you alone if he opts out). If none of the 3 seems right, interview 3 more. I hope this helps and I wish you well.

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