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My boyfriend isn't attracted to me anymore. What do I do?

Published on October 12, 2009 by justlooking

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year now. This past month has been dififcult in terms of what has been going on in the bedroom. I feel like he has lost interest in me sexually and I'm not sure what to do. We cuddle a lot and I know he still cares about me, but I feel like I am just not enough for him.

By the way, I also feel that I've been open in terms of doing something new - somewhere else, something else, whatever. I've considered having us each write things we'd like to try and trying to do them, but now seems like the inappropriate time to suggest that. I haven't gained weight either, before someone suggests that, and I take care of myself.

The last couple of times we've tried he hasn't been able to keep an erection and for a while before that I felt that he he has had sex with me because he feels he has to. I sort of made us talk about it last weekend, and I told him that I felt inadequate and that I'm concerned. He said that he feels like he can't satisfy me, that he feels bad about it as well because it is usually the reverse (with the woman who does not want to have sex), that he would be really frustrated if it was the other way around, that he hasn't been feeling horny or sexual (not convinced that is the case - it seems to be more with me specifically), and that he feels a lot of pressure when I spend the night. He said that I was his "favorite girl" and that it sucked. I feel really terrible now and have basically backed off completely and am waiting for him to decide when he's ready. He said something about how sex was better for him when he was the aggressor. I just asked him to give me "real" kisses more often and fewer pecks.

I do not want to pressure him and I've felt that he's said all the right things to reassure me, but I still feel insecure and I don't know what to do except wait for him to make the first move. How long do I wait? When do I bring this up again? Has this happened to anyone else before? I want things to get better. Any advice or thoughts or your story of dealing with something like this would be very much appreciated.


Let's start with the most probable issue and leave the bad ones for later if this one doesn't work out. Anxiety about sexual performance will wilt an erection faster than you can say "fuck me." It is possible that you are the best he has ever had and he feels pressure to measure up. Just assure him that he does. When I once faced that issue I told my lover that I felt like I always had to be superman when in bed with her. Her answer "You always are!" was the best one she could have come up with. Are you telling him how much you love what he does? Are you telling him that you brag about your sex life to your girlfriends? He's a man, stroke his ego before you stroke his cock and the results should be better!

Sounds like you both are suffering from anxiety and taking his impotence personally. That is just creating a cycle of anxiety and frustration.

First of all, I think he should go to the doctor and talk about his problem. Odds are his problems are medical, not within his head. If there are no medical problems, you need to stop taking this so personally, step up and start trying some fun stuff. Instead of talking about the performance, talk about fantasies. Get a book with some new moves and positions and try those. But some times if a guy is feeling depressed or is having health issues it can come through in impotence. So don't take it personally. Take some action.

I think he is jacking off. I think he wants to be aggressive and do anal and have you swallow and all that. I think he is far more advanced that you realize. So, now he is bored but can't tell you what he REALLY wants.

He wants sexual control. NOT humiliation or disrespect... but real sexual control.

So, now he is jacking off and it has killed his sex drive.

Here is something you can do... and it worked for me:

On every Wednesday... let's say (pick a day)... one of you is the "slave." Whoever is the "slave" has to walk around the house naked... just doing normal business as usual. BUT, the other one can have his/her slave AT WILL anytime they want.

If he wants head... (and you are the naked one) you have to stop what you are doing... get on your knees... open his fly and ... well, you know...

If he is naked and it is his day to be the "slave" ... you tell him to "much your carpet" or whatever... and you can even tie him up and give his "woody" a little spanking! Make him laugh! Then... take control. Make sure he gets off, though, because that will make him want to play that game even more.

Again, when you are the "slave" ...if he wants to GENTLY "spank your monkey" ...then let him! He has to be gentle, though.

HE is used to being in sexual control... and THAT has A LOT to do with masterbating prior to being with you because he was ALWAYS in control while masterbating. He is a MASTER bater.

You don't need to tell him you know that. You just need to replace the control and allow him to control... but GENTLY. There IS a limit!

Suggest the game of "slave" for a day and see what he thinks. It will make him rock hard just thinking about it. You'll see.

Then go with it.

No hurting each other physically, though... unless you like pain in sex (some do). Have fun!

OK, thanks for the advice! While I like it when he's aggressive, I don't think I'm ready to walk around the house naked and be someone's slave. I do think the fantasy thing is nice and I'll definitely try to be more positive/reassuring and stroke his ego... I guess the one thing is that I am a little worried about talking about fantasies because I feel like it might come across as pressuring him, but I suppose just talking doesn't mean you have to act on it right then. Maybe it will just be good to say that I am open to other things. I am for sure less experienced than him (at least in number of partners, although we've each only had one long term relationship before this) so maybe I sometimes get a little paranoid. I feel like asking him to see a doctor would not go over well, but if things do not improve in the next month maybe I can bring it up. How to do that though?

@tommytuesday has it right! Train him!! Have him come first!! Each time praising him!!