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Is my boyfriend even thinking of marriage?

Published on April 8, 2010 by sab-in-love

I've been with my boyfriend a little over two years now. We were friends first and fell in love. Just like anyone we have had to really work on our communication. I honestly do love him with all my heart. Sometimes he pushes himself away and says he has this urge to be alone. This happens like twice a year. I then walk away wanting him to be happy and then he'll return to me about 3 days later and he'll be back to himself. We can have the best relationship for 6 months and this will happen out of no where. I keep thinking it's me, but I know it's not. He's been like this in his past but his sister tells me he's different with me. I forgot to mention that he is 17 years older than me. And he has been married twice before. This ruined his marriages before. I know it sounds like a setup for failure. But he is honestly my best friend. I have never been more happy with anyone else. I can talk to him about anything personal to me. I also have a daughter who is 8. He loves her and is able to provide a family environment for her. We laugh all the time and it makes me happy to take care of him. But I find that my mind is consuming of marriage... I asked him the other day if he thought he'd ever get married again and he said he didn't know, and then asked me if I would. I told him definitely yes. He said at another occasion that he is making plans for me in his future. I just wonder where is his mind and where do I fit in it? I am thinking marriage but is he even there yet?? Help! This is consuming my mind.

ANSWERS

Do you feel like his "shut off periods" are a problem in the relationship or have you pretty much accepted that every 6 months he needs a couple of days of alone time? Why do you think that is? Everyone needs some time to themselves every now and then, that's why couples engage in separate activities/hobbies or go out with friends instead of each other sometimes. It seems odd that he completely shuts you out though, but since it only happens twice a year it's probably not really much of a problem. It's possible that he might not want to get married again, but if he's thinking about the future and plans to have you in it maybe he will. Although thinking about you in his future doesn't always equate to marriage but it sounds like he's open to the possibility. I think you should just let him know what marriage signifies and what it means to you. Why you feel it is important for your future. Then leave it at that. Let him ask you when he wants and the time is right. Don't put any pressure on him. If you do decide to get married, I think it's important to work through this problem he has beforehand. Not necessarily that he does it, but what is causing it. Why does he feel he needs to shut you out for a while and are there healthier ways to harness those feelings.

Really, I don't think you can know unless you ask him flat out, "would you ever want to marry me?" But you have to be willing to let what ever his answer is stand and not push him on it. He's been in 2 marriages before. He might want to take it slowly and you don't always have to be married to be in a committed relationship. If you love him you need to give him the space to working through those issues, but you do need to talk about your future together in a specific way. Not the generalities you've been using before.

Thank you soo much for your advice. I really like how you both were realistic about the whole thing. And you're right, I don't need to be married to be in a committed relationship. He shows me a lot that he loves me. Sometimes, selfishly, that makes me want more! We've talked about these feelings he gets everytime they happen, well better said, after they happen. He says he wishes he knew why he got like that, and that he didn't do that to me because I mean so much to him. I have accepted him this way, just as he probably accepts me when I'm PMSing, and boy do I ever! I have taken a lot from these two comments and hope and pray for the best.... but am happy where we are now.... for the time being :). thanks!

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