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My best friend so critical of my boyfriend

Published on January 22, 2014 by queeniebee

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years, we live together and have a 1 year old daughter. He is a great guy, very hardworking, very committed to the family and generally fair and kind. My best friend of 8 years has always seemed 'unsure' of him. Although she is polite to him i can tell she isnt sure of him. She has also hinted to me before that she doesnt think we are a suitable match. That we seem very 'different' as people That she is suprised we are together. Also, that he is too quiet for me. MAybe he is quieter than me, and quieter than my exs but he is a really good guy and much better person than any of my exes where. Is my friend jelous and therefore picking holes?????


Dear queeniebee,

How wonderful to hear you have such a wonderful boyfriend. Certainly sounds like he definitely meets the things that are important to you in a relationship. I understand your best friend of 8 years has some concerns about him. You mentioned ‘she seemed unsure of him’ and ‘hinted she doesn’t think you’re a suitable match.

The reason could be that she’s jealous. And I could also think of a few other reasons. The big challenge here is both you and I would only be guessing at the true reason(s). As an aside, I’m also curious if anyone else in your life has voiced any concerns about him. If they have the same concerns they might be worth examining more closely.

Now back to your friend, I think the best way to find out how she feels about your boyfriend is to ask her directly. As someone who’s known you for 8 years she might truly have some genuine concerns. Ask her out for coffee or dinner and tell her you appreciate she cares a lot about you and your happiness, you understand she has some concerns about your boyfriend , you value her opinion and would like to hear her concerns. Then with an open mind listen to what she says. Don’t interrupt and don’t defend your boyfriend or yourself, just listen. Because she hasn’t been very direct in her comments about him she might feel better just being able to tell you her concerns directly.

Once she’s done talking tell her, “Thank you for your concern” and then spend some time explaining why the things she mentioned do or don’t concern you and how you’ve come to this decision.

The best outcome is her concerns will be addressed and she’ll feel better about your relationship. An almost as good an outcome is you’ll confirm (against possibly some good arguments) why you’re with him in your own mind.

Coach Christine Your Tango Expert

I agree with Coach Christine. You do not want to alienate your friend because she probably has your best interest at heart. The best solution is to speak with her in private and to make sure that you do not get your boyfriend involved. You should not tell him that she disapproves of him because that will cause tension between the two of them. I hope that you are able to sit down with your best friend to have a heart to heart. I also think you should encourage your boyfriend to introduce your friend to one of his single friends!

Good luck! Coach Vana, Your Tango Expert