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my 16 yo son refuses to see or talk to me

Published on September 12, 2012 by mward

its been over a year since ive seen my son. almost a year since we've talked by phone. 3 years ago my fiance died and i wasnt truthful to the kids on how he died. they found last year through someone else. along with another problem that occurred last october, now he will not talk to me. its breaking my heart everyday. what can i do to get him to talk?

ANSWERS

Hi, let's go back to the last conversation that you had with your son. In the conversation you need to look at what the issues were and how did you as a guardian respond to him. Not as a parent. From what I am reading here you are not the primary guardian in his life. I will be happy to talk with you more about that day to get to the real issue.

Once you understand that issue and how it was an aspect with in your self you will be able to let go of the emotions. Then as you have let go of the emotions behind the last inter actions you can begin with some new energy and vibrations . So try just sending a card see if you get a response .

The mistake that so many parents make is that they have any real control over a child that is not living in the home with them. You desire to build a relationship of friendship at this point . You should not only share about your life , your struggles and what you are learning about life .

At this age of his life he will start seeing you not as a controlling parent he will begin to see that you have ups and downs just like he does.

Are you ready to let go of the Parent Roll. Until you are there will be no change in your relationship with him.

Teenage boys are not known for being calm and level-headed at the best of times. You lied to him about how your fiance died, and whatever that "other problem" was (perhaps for the best of reasons, but your son won't see it that way). He feels confused, betrayed, and hurt.

If there is an adult male family member, coach, minister or some other man your son respects and looks up to, see if you can get him to intercede with your son and talk to him.

At the time you probably thought you were protecting your children. Now it has become an issue of trust for your son, or rather, not trusting that you will be honest with him. It sounds like it's time to own up to what happened and apologize for not sharing the truth with him.

If he won't talk to you, one option is to write him a letter. I have found this to be a good way to share your deepest feelings. You have the chance to say what you mean, and rework it until it feels right. Stick to what this has been like for YOU. Our kids do appreciate our willingness to share feelings and be vulnerable. He is obviously in a lot of pain, too -- over what happened and not having you in his life anymore (even though that was his choice).

There are no guarantees on how he will receive what you say, but it is important to do this anyway. Not knowing, and not actively trying to reconcile will have you forever wondering 'what if....". What is guaranteed is that nothing will change if you do nothing.

I wish you well.

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