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Move on or hold on?

Published on August 17, 2013 by shanna86

I met this guy over 2 years ago and we hit it off. He had a good job, a house and was on top of his game. He wanted to see me everyday, told me I was the one, treated me like I was everything he was looking for. Three months later, he lost everything. He told me he didn't have anything to offer me and wanted to be able to take care of me but can't. However, he has been in relationships with two other women in the past 2 years. He does not leave me alone for longer than a month, he always comes back to me but will not commit to me. When I see him it's the way it was when we first met but once I'm not around him Its like "out of sight out of mind."I love him and I've tried dating other people but I can't move past this man and I don't know why. I will drop anyone I'm dating to see him. I'm starting to feel like I'm his fall back when nothing else is going on even though he tells me otherwise. What can I do to figure out whether I need to move on or hold on?


I've seen this scenario before with my clients and have been in this type of situation myself as well. So believe me when I say I know how heart wrenching this situation feels. For every chosen way there are expected results.

Some of us play the guessing game and that is all it is-a guess. All you really need to know is what you truly want. You need to decide do you truly want a committed relationship. If you do and he says he cannot commit for whatever reason then you need to cut him out cold turkey. Yes its best to rip the band-aid off as quickly as you can. Trust that you will feel the same way again, as you do with him, about someone else. BUT you must make room for this other person to come in with a clear heart and mind. Or you will run the risk of missing this other wonderful guy who is right in front of you now or coming very soon! Yes you may fall off the wagon now and then just wishing circumstances were different especially when there seems like no one is a suitable partner. Show yourself kindness and know YOU DESERVE all that you want and so much more than what you are receiving now.

On the other side, if you are not sure if you want a committed relationship than expect him to come in and out of your life. Do it until you feel strongly this is not what you want. Some people like this type of dynamic as it brings a sort of freedom.

How do you know what kind of dynamic you like? Pay very close attention to your feelings. Are they self deprecating? Do you feel less than in some way? If you are and you still feel the hook to stay, there usually is a much deeper underlying thought about yourself that you are reinforcing unconsciously.

I am a firm believer that nothing is a waste of time. Through relating or relationship with each other do we really find out who we are. This is the gift of relationships/dating that many often do not acknowledge. Do so with courage, strength and focus with your head held high.

"To know oneself is the beginning of all wisdom" Aristotle

Anita Yok Sim Ho YourTango Expert Life, Relationship & Divorce Coach

Dear Shanna, I’m going to rephrase what I understand of your situation. Take a deep breath and pretend a friend comes to you, someone who depends on your listening skills and your treasured suggestions on how to deal with this issue. She met a guy two years ago. She thought they had hit it off, but it turned out that he had been in relationships with two other women during those same two years. She tells you that he plays the cat-and-mouse game, letting her go just so far and then coming back to re-establish his supremacy. She recognizes that he is all about control, rather than genuine affection and authentic love. She feels she has lost her identity and can’t love anyone else. What would you tell her? Dear Shanna, life is easy. This is the time for you to let go of the drama and make decisions based on your values and what is important to you. I’m excited for you! You get to make choices that will impact your life and will show you and the world what you are made of. I know you have it within yourself to make the best choices. XOXO

Monica Magnetti, The "Get What You Want Coach" Your Tango Expert,