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more detail to I'm not the one

Published on May 3, 2010 by raven

I moved to another state to make a fresh start. I knew of this man and that he was very kind person thru my sister in-law. When i first messaged him I never thought in a million years we would get together and we were both happy just being friends. One thing lead to another and we end of being (I guess) FWB everything was fine but after our first encounter he was very attentive holding me calling me to see if I got home okay etc.. I stil thought of him as just a friend. He did tell me before we hooked up that he is not boyfriend material and I was cool with that. But after his calling and such I got to know the man and started to fall for him. We went out a couple of times to dinner and movie met some of his buddies. I would not show any affection in public, not did I ever act like I was falling for him. I came close one night while in bed almost saying I love you but I caught myself. Then one weekend I went to see him play at a nice club, men (and some women) came over to me gave me their numbers and one asked me to dinner. When my FWB came over I showed it to him he looked at it and gave it back not saying anything. I teased him that night and told him I was pimping him out because he is so good at what he does. He didn't laugh. I did get a little drunk (he knew this was out of character for me) he didn't go home with me that night. He acted distant like he was mad and didn't want me there. He messaged me and asked did I think one of the men there was hitting on me, I wrote back no I think he was just being nice. My FWB told me he thinks it would be great if I start making friends in my local area (he lives 1hr 1/2 away from me) it would be good for me. I asked him if he is trying to get rid of me and he said no where did you get that idea. He always responded instantly to my emails and phone calls now it was taking him hours to a day to not at all. So I emailed him and told him it may be best if we go back to being just friend and cut out the sex because I'm afraid I will start to develop feelings if we continue. He emails back that is OK with him if it's OK with me because he never wanted to cause any stress. That he knew when he suggested it FWB was not my style and because of his background in relationships it's me his. Then the next paragraph said I've met someone here at home and over the past two weeks we have discussed being exclusive I want to see where this may go I think it may have potential. What I like most about her is she like me too. We are just taking it slow and relaxed. When I called him (of course in tears) he said he is sorry if he hurt me, that he has known her for almost a year she is the sister in-law of one of his guitar player (The same band that I went so see him in THAT night)she is separated and will not be getting back with her husband (her husband got another woman pregnant) I said is that why you were treating me bad at the club he said no this just happened. I asked him when was he planning on telling me and he said we were waiting to see where it was going before we told anyone. Then he said he was sorry but I wasn't the one. I told him how I trusted him and he is the only 2nd man I have ever been with now I feel used like a piece of trash. All he could say was he was sorry and he knows how I feel because it's happened to him before. But he still wants us to be friends and for me to continue to call and write him whenever I want. When I asked him to tell me about her he said she is 40 and has a grown daughter. I looked her up and she is 36 and has a 16 yr old daughter. Now keep in mind he knows her thru his guitar buddy. So now we are pretty much back to where we were before we slept together. He said he will be back in town in June to see me and we can go eat dinner.

Some of my friends think he made it all up to make me jealous, some don't and tell me to move on. He has been honest with me in the past and I have not reason to doubt him now.

My questions are: 1. Did I screw it up by acting so casual? 2. How do I get him back? 3. Do I continue to call and message him? 4. Do I just leave him alone? My uncle said to stay in the loop call every once in awhile just to ck on him, 5. If I'm not the one now will I ever be the one?


Hello Raven. FWB relationships are very tricky. You always have to guard your heart. Sex complicates things. A few things I'd like to point out: Men are territorial and he may have felt hurt when you got the numbers at the club.

Though you agreed that neither of you wanted a relationship, when you are intimate you can't help but to develop feelings to some degree.

Remember that in any situation you have a choice. You made a choice to share yourself. Don't cheapen yourself by making it appear that you were taken advantage of. You made a decision to be intimate and reap the feelings of it. Take back your power by knowing that you asserted your own free will.

My questions are: 1. Did I screw it up by acting so casual? My question to you is, "What were your expectations in this situation?" 2. How do I get him back? Do you really want him back? Did you ever really "have" him? Does he want to be had?

  1. Do I continue to call and message him? Allow him to call you. At this point if you continue to call him, he will remain in control of the situation as you are giving him your personal power.

  2. Do I just leave him alone? This is something you have to decide. You may want to five things a break for a while. He may be hurt and trying to gather himself emotionally.

My uncle said to stay in the loop call every once in awhile just to ck on him,

  1. If I'm not the one now will I ever be the one? It's evident to me that you are hurt. We as women have a tendency to expose ourselves because we are nuturing individuals. Remember this; it is not love but expectation that hurts. Change is constant. Everything happens for a reason and you will find love in your own time. Allow it to come to you.