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Mom is completely psychoatic and I have no idea what to do with her now...

Published on June 3, 2012 by jeaniel

When I was a child, my mom went out of her way to make me feel bad about myself. "If you were my first kid I wouldn't have had any more. You were supposed to be a boy." These belittling comments were constant. I could never do anything right. I dropped out of school and got married within a year. I dropped out due to problems at school and the fact she wanted me to pay rent when I turned 16. I've since divorced and have a son. She is constantly trying to meddle in my life. On top of that, her dad died last year. Her education consists of a GED and talking to everyone she runs across. She always wanted attention for having to "raise 2 kids on her own", which was a lie, she's still married to my dad, who's gone frequently for work. She drives normal people insane. After her sympathy as being a "single mom" wore off, she had about 10 years of what I feel was her closest to "normal". About 8 years ago, she figured she could get attention by being a hypochondriac. It's went from bad to horrible. Recently, her aunt went to the hospital for behaving strangely. The hospital did a scan on her and found a spot on her brain. The tech errourously said it was cancer. Then a doctor said it was not cancer, just a spot on the brain. My mom finds this out, gets on google, does all types of research and prints it off and takes it to the aunts' doctor with HER diagnosis and tell the doctor what the problem is. This isn't the first time she has done this either. I had to have emergency gall bladder removal 2 years ago. She kept talking to the intern about all the surgeries she's had. Even with the aneasthetic kicking in, I told her to shut up because she was confusing the staff. They thought her imagined health problems were MY problems. She goes to a doctor, chiropractor, accupuncturist, massage therapist or some type of specialist every week. I figured out she actually has 2 chiropractors she is currently going to. If a doctor tells her she is wrong, she goes to another doctor. When she comes over, I just want her to leave. It's at the point where I am starting to hate her. She's nosey, rude and annoying. I've tried distancing myself, but only to an extent. One time, my sister was living with her husband out of state in the military. My mom could not get in touch with her for LESS than 24 hours, so she called the local police and the military police to go look for her. HELP!!!!!

ANSWERS

Although I am a matchmaking expert and not a family therapist I can offer that many strained family relationships can have quite a negative effect on one's dating life. Particularly when there is alot of associated stress attached to that relationship. As challenging as this may seem you have to remind yourself that you cannot control your mother's actions, comments and statements but you CAN control your reaction to those comments and whether or not you BELIEVE those comments and allow it to affect you. You mentioned that you have a son, so if you do not want your son to see you stressed out and what sounds to me like a "victim" in this situation, you need to be the bigger person and do your best to IGNORE your mother's overbearing nature and maintain a positive and confident outlook and attitude. The fact that she is your mother doesn't mean that you OWE her any of your time or that you should subject yourself to negativity. If you haven't already done so, you should communicate with her how her behaviour and comments make you feel, and if she continues with her behaviour and comments the result will be that she will see less and less of you and your son. People will only continue with behaviour that is tolerated and accepted by others. If she is not aware of the damaging effect her comments and actions have to her own family than you can't really blame her for that. You commented that she was like that for "years" and the impact it had on your life as a teenager was not positive. Now that you are an adult you are free to make your own choices and you HAVE the choice as well to accept and control the emotions you feel. I would suggest you start with a sit down of how she makes you feel, and to continually remind yourself that you ARE good enough and even though it is your own mother, the only opinion you need to worry about, is your own. Good luck :)

Your mom sounds very toxic. You cannot fix her. You and your son need to be around healthy people.

Jeaniel:

I think it's a good that that you've noticed that something isn't quite right. The biggest that that jumped out at me about what you wrote is how she is making you feel; to me, that is the real issue that needs to be addressed. I have long learned that the secret to good mental health is realizing that we can't change other people...your Mom is who she is, and if she has shown little willingness to change, I think it's a futile effort focusing on that. Instead, look into ways that you can support yourself in your resolve to distance yourself; this may mean working with a professional or self-help group to figure out what the "ties" are they keep you bound to your mother.

Best wishes to you, Dr. J.

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