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Me... jealous?!?

Published on August 21, 2013 by jadebosworth

Hey, um so lets just say that i have never ever been jealous before in my life. But now i have a boyfriend that i love and so far we havn't had that many problems before. But now i have started to get kind of jealous of him and my best friends. Here's the thing, my girl best friend was best friends with him before i started liking him. So they are really close and so is my other girl best friend. But sometimes he can be a little too friendly with everyone, he hugs a lot and so on. That's fine. However, what really bothers me is how he can be with my best friend in the way he puts his arms around her and kinda hangs on her, and then he has this kind of 'tick' in which he picks on people's pinky finger nail. So he takes her hand and does his 'tick' and then he teases her a lot and then they tease each other and sometimes i just can't stand it because it actually makes me a bit uncomfortable. I feel guilty of feeling like this, because thats just the way he is! He is too friendly and close with people, what should I do?

ANSWERS

This is one of those issues that can really eat at you because it is not dealt with. Does he do this behavior with his guy friends? Probably not. Even though the behavior could be entirely innocent, it seems more intimate in some way than just a friendly hug and a joke. I think it will be necessary to discuss this with him. Bring it up in an honest, but open way, such as, "I've been feeling a bit uncomfortable lately when you and she do..." Don't tell him what to do, just let him know how you feel when it happens. His response will be very telling. If he listens, and seems concerned and tries to understand your feelings, that is a good sign. You have something there to work with, and the two of you can then set boundaries about what is appropriate in friendly relationships with the opposite sex. But if he blows you off, or tries to blame you somehow, you may need to explain to him that this is unacceptable, how would he feel if you were to act like this with a guy friend, etc. Hope you can work it out!

I think Takara has said it best here. I'll add that you're entitled to feel however you feel, which in this case is jealous. As long as you communicate your feelings to your boyfriend authentically, he should not try to invalidate your feelings but rather listen and process and take your feelings seriously. If he attempts to invalidate your feelings, which you have a right to, this is not true acceptance.

You’re totally entitled to feel the way you do. The trick is not expressing that jealously in an unhealthy way. Talk to your boyfriend about this issue, and make it clear (without being accusatory or mean) that his actions are bothering you, and that though you don’t want to feel this way, you do and he needs to respect it.

Don't be vague when addressing this with your boyfriend. You'll want to give specific examples, so it's very clear to him what behavior is crossing the line in your book.

To add to that, I would refrain from saying "it makes me jealous" because that makes it easy for him to brush it off as your problem (that is, you being insecure)... when really, even a secure woman would feel uncomfortable with that.

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