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Married man says he's filing for divorce..How long should I consider?

Published on May 6, 2009 by merri

Yes I know I've seen many of the comments regarding affairs etc. on this site and many others. I can say it is very cliche etc. etc. met at work he's early 50's I'm mid 30's talking led to flirting, flirting led to getting drinks and talking which led to an attraction... you know the rest.

Basically he's stated not only to me but common knowledge in office he is not happy in marriage. We've known each other for about 6 months, talking/flirting started at about 2 months after I started working, at about 3rd month went for drinks, then again a couple weeks later and then we were intimate at about 5 months. Due to schedule conflicts there were a couple of weeks we were unable to meet but he called every morning, text/calls during day and text/msgr at night.

About 2 weeks ago he called to wake me up then no returned calls/text etc. a couple days later we caught up in office said found billing on Credit Card for investigator appears wife trying to find out. Said to lay low for a week or 2 see what happens we of course see each other in office and have limited conversations but no communication outside. He said he wanted to make sure I wasn't dragged into legal aspect and why he is trying to keep distance due to be followed etc. I let him know after attraction was confirmed etc that I wasn't comfortable with being 2nd fiddle but he advised he was working on plan to leave.

A couple days ago he told me he planned to file and move out by end of month. I told him that no communication was not working for me and he needed to resolve i.e. pre-paid cell or something. So... Could this be the exception to the rule? Should I give him till the end of the month? He advised just days before he saw bill that he was in process of seeking legal advice on how to proceed with filing etc. I feel he is sincere in his eyes when he tells me he has no regrets and wants to explore relationship with me. I want to allow opportunity especially after things have went this far but I also don't want to hear the same line in November.. After the holidays.. You know what I mean? Thanks for any advice.

ANSWERS

Nothing that you have said would lead to a conclusion that he is being dishonest...the only thing that comes out is that you are afraid of being let down and you would rather know today than tomorrow.

Give him space, if he is really trying to wind down his previous life. The sudden change does lend credibility his assertions...As far as setting deadlines, you have to ask yourself whether you trust him. If you do waiting for a few months will not hurt. Distance may actually help you discover how strongly you feel about him. Feel free to date other people, does not look as if you two are committed or are you?

Thanks for the response angosanjay.

I am nervous about being let down but that is due to previous relationships. I have expressed that I'm gun-shy and am working on trust. He said he understood and felt trust was earned not given and was willing to earn mine.

Committed? It's not really been a subject discussed as I've not been very assertive about definition of what "this is or where it's going" due to his being married. I have asked him on a few occasions if he was sure about his decision and if he had any hesitation which he replies he is sure and no hesitation at all. Now with that being said he is the one that uses terms/phrases like... I didn't expect this "relationship" or it's stressful our "us" situation. So I'm not sure if he considers us committed unspoken as he might not feel he could ask that from me until he is out of his current situation. It's just been unexpected the physical attraction and emotional connection.

Lying to his wife about you is just a way to rip her off in the divorce. Don't cooperate with that.

Of course you shouldn't trust him. Once upon a time he told his wife he loved her and promised to be faithful. Now he is lying to her and breaking the promise. Why wouldn't he do the same to you? Because he loves you? Like he loved her? You've been betrayed in the past, you need someone who is trustworthy. This guy is showing that he is the opposite.

Do you really want to be part of breaking up a marriage? If someone is meant to be divorced, they can do it without having a relationship with you. If you care about a married man, the right thing to do is to tell him to try to work on his marriage - and don't let him think he can have you if he gets divorced. Meanwhile, go date someone better for you, someone you don't have to sneak around with.

By the way, how do people in the office know he has a bad marriage? Has he cheated before? Does he treat his wife badly in public? Maybe you should find out.

Not to mention that a divorced guy his age often comes with a lot of baggage: elderly in-laws to take care of, children who don't like you, his own health problems, etc. What if he doesn't want to have children? What if he has to pay someone child support or alimony?

And I hate to say this, but you may want to start looking for another job. You're in a mess whatever happens at this point.

Finally, a few cliches to think about:

The divorce rate for second marriages is 60%.

2/3 of unhappily married couples who stay married say their marriages are happy 5 years later

Unhappily married people who divorce and remarry are no happier 5 years later than the ones who stayed married.

Three out of four unhappily married adults are married to someone who is happy with the marriage.

Thanks for the response BookMama I appreciate your honest advice. I've had some of the same concerns you mentioned.

I've tried not to discuss any decision etc until a few weeks ago when he saw a bill because I didn't want to influence that decision. When it comes to how the office knows about bad marriage...He will receive multiple phone calls during the day where he has to walk out, he has discussed he doesn't know what to do with other colleagues and a few weeks ago he inquired to a few divorced co-workers if they could recommend an attorney. He's never said anything demeaning about her just he's frustrated with the situation and has tried many times to resolve issues with no results.

When it comes to baggage his parents are deceased, his children are grown (he & his H.S. GF got married b/c pregnant and didn't work out by very earlier 20's), his children may not like me but not because I broke up parents marriage (he and current wife have no children together) and he loves children he has grandchildren that he spends alot of time with and I've made it clear that I do want children but we've not discussed that issue indepth as I wasn't sure where it was going etc.

For the cliches you are right. I just wonder if the 40% that are successful would have chosen to not take chance would they be happy? Unhappy couples 5 years later are happy could be issues stressing marriage finance/children etc he told me that he knew he shouldn't have married his wife but he did anyways it was ok first year or so but the last 7 or 8 not so good and last 3 miserable. Of course, he could say the same thing about me 5 years down the road.

I don't want to sneak around and I definately deserve to be center stage. He has always mentioned the filing etc I've never asked him to do make choice in fact I've done the opposite and asked him to make sure of his decision that if he has hesitation to think about the ramifications etc. He is retired military and in very good health however that does not mean he could not be ill a couple years down the road as my mother was diagnosed with brain tumor and died within 2 months at the age of 58.

The one thing I thought was interesting about your response you didn't ask about my baggage. I think that it would not be his family who would have issues but my family. I've never been married and he has been a couple of times, I have no children he has children that are just a few years younger than me and, he has grandchildren.

I definately have some food for thought Thank You again for the advice!

You sound like someone that has a good handle on who they are as a person, and from what you've said in your initial question and replies I don't get the feeling that you both aren't being genuine with each other. People make mistakes, and age has never been an acurate measurement for how mature a person is, and even then the best of us still make mistakes because we're human. Right now, you may have been the final straw that made him see he needs to disolve his marriage. And your fears of only being the current flavor of the week aren't foolish, but I'm not saying that is all you are to him. He may be genuinely concerned for your well being by not wanting to drag you into the divorce (and bookmama may be right that he wants to save some cash in the settlement), and I'm willing to bet, if he is a really good guy, he'll need to take some time to process what he has gone through and his new freedom. If everything is on the up and up, you'll see your time in the spotlight he shines on you. Being there to support him in the transition will help.

Now what if it goes south? Can you continue to work with him in the office? From what you are saying, the divorce will go through wether you are in the picture or not. As you put it (and I love this, by the way) he very well could say good-bye after the holidays. You are the only person qualified to decide if this is something you can handle going after, regardless of how it works out. I'm glad that you are putting some serious thought into this as well. Best of wishes to you, and good luck.

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