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Married and falling in love with a married man

Published on November 5, 2012 by anonymous 43

To start I have been working as an lpn in a clinic now for over three years. About six months ago the physicians assistant and I shared our feelings with each other. He is such a sweet man and I started feeling myself falling for him to my surprise he told me he was having the same feelings. After sharing our feeling for one another things became more heated. We kissed, then went on to oral sex, he told me that he couldn't allow himself to have vaginal sex with me because of the guilt he would experience but he wanted to try anal sex. This was something he had never experienced and I agreed to it. I really wanted to experience vaginal sex with him and he wouldn't. He continued to want anal sex and I kept agreeing to it. After three months of our intimate relationship he told me that we needed to stop the physical part of our relationship because it would end up ruining our marriages. I was heartbroken to sag the least. Him and I are both married and we both have children. My marriage has been rocky and I'm not always treated well. I deal with a lot of emotional abuse and he was always so sweet and gentle. I felt like I was on top of the world when I was in his arms. When he decided to end things he told me that he couldn't do this to his wife anymore and he really had no reason to cheat because he loves his wife and they have a good marriage. He has continued to give me a hug every night after work for weeks now. We both decided we should stop everything physical so we can try to move on. Last week was our last hug and not only did he hold me tight he kissed me. He hadn't kissed me in over a month why did he do it now when he wanted things to end? Not only did he hug me he looked me in the eyes for the first time and said I love you. He told me it wasn't the same type of love he has for his wife but he loves me. I was completely thrown by this. I do love him , I love him even more than my own spouse which is also completely wrong. I want to get over him and work harder on the marriage I have but I am struggling. I see him at work daily, he winks at me when he walks by. He tells me I'm beautiful and amazing. I'm so confused. I feel like I've been used but at the same time I do believe he cares about me.

ANSWERS

He might care about you and he might even love you, but he's made it clear that he doesn't want to have an affair. Take him at his word and know that you can also be having an affair even if there is no sexual contact. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging to trust and can keep you just as attached to him as a sexual affair.

We encourage you to put your needs first. If it's too confusing to have this emotional affair with him without the commitment of a relationship, then set some boundaries and put some distance between the two of you.

We also encourage you to make some decisions about your marriage. If you are being emotionally abused and disrespected, then this is not a healthy situation for you. Ask yourself if staying in your marriage in wise for you(whether or not your affair with this guy at work continues).

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

I truly sympathize and I think there is a solution.

There are several issues. 1. Your husband is abusive. You've already got one foot out the door. You need to leave.

  1. You need to courage to end your marriage.

  2. You need real genuine love for your co-worker in order to break it off with him.

Your co-worker has rebuilt your self-esteem. He's assured you that you are valuable and shouldn't settle for abuse. He's given you courage.

That part is good, healing, and beneficial. Cherish the lessons he taught you. You don't have to apologize for the freedom and strength he offered.

The adultery part is not good. It is ultimately destructive. It's time to end the relationship with your co-worker and leave your husband. Hold onto the good feelings your co-worker gave you; but let him go back to his wife and never cross those boundaries again.

This will take incredible strength. If you believe in God, it's time to start praying for help to do the right thing.

Congratulations - you've been played by a pro - he got oral sex and anal sex out of you and then got to call it quits.

"...he told me that he couldn't do this to his wife anymore and he really had no reason to cheat because he loves his wife and they have a good marriage."!?!?!?!! If he's having physical relations with you, he most certainly does NOT have a good marriage where he loves his wife (or is he in the habit of going around betraying the people he loves.

Tell him it's ENTIRELY over and have nothing but a purely professional relationship with him from this point forward (It would be better for you not to see each other at all, I'm assuming neither of you has the desire to quit and find something else in this economy).

I was with you until the anal and oral sex part.. i dont understand how he thought that wasnt "as bad" as vaginal sex.. its still sex and if either of your spouses had known about it then they would still be pissed.. anyway, i wouldnt read too far into the things he's doing now like the kiss and looking into your eyes and the i love you part.. if he wanted things to go further with you he wouldn't have ended the affair. i do agree with 'Tanstaafl2' to an extent because i feel like you got played. His whole reasoning with this anal/oral sex thing is a little fishy.. as far as your marriage, u seem like you're ready to leave. HOWEVER, i would give it one last shot with your husband before you pack your bags and run for the hills! try to talk to him and initiate some changes and if things still remain the same, leave.. good luck

I cetainly feel like I have been played. Thanks for making me realize it even more. Its so hard to be in this situation when there is no one around you that you can talk to besides strangers on the computer.

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