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Marriage problems

Published on May 14, 2014 by lilly2014

How would you explain a husband who would keep a collection of his ex-girlfriend’s pics & videos as well as porn and goes over them all throughout a 3 year marriage of his own choice, even after his spouse has clearly communicated to him that this behavior is intolerable, and left the choice to him of either choosing their marriage of his habits & interests. Moments like these are passed with constant lies and lame unbelievable reasoning, while facts show things were otherwise. His ex gf is already married and unreachable. Even when they were together, it was a one way relationship, where he loved her and she did not.

The above coupled with abnormally infrequent physically intimacy & interest for it from the husband’s side made the wife feel there is no real substance to their marriage. There was no real improvement on the issue even on bringing up the problem area on certain instances. Husband takes the issue very causally even explanations like, all this is new to me, and I need time.

Weird behavior like nude selfies were also discovered saved in USB. What does this reveal about the nature of the husband?

He has a poor financial reputation, with debts to many people, with the amounts owed changing and increasing constantly. He managed her to take a loan on her name, with no clear explanation on what the money was spent on, while first claiming that it was for developing a business he owned, telling that the installments will be paid from the business profits. However, eventually after several threat calls from the bank on payment defaulting, it was left to her to settle the loan, with no active participation from him in any form.

Has poor relation with this father, as well has complained on many instances that his family has not supported him at times on needs.

What does this all this reveal about the nature of the person? Is this some personality disorder or is this a person well planned to use his spouse for his personal benefits? I’m 32 & he is 39.

I am in deep depression because of an unhappy marriage and a possible divorce, and I need to understand the true nature of my husband’s behavior in order to find peace within me.

Would highly appreciate your expert advice. Thanks.

ANSWERS

Dear lilly2014,

First of all, I would highly recommend you get connected with a good therapist in your local area who can help you navigate this tough situation. I can only offer a perspective based on the information you've given and this is only from one person's perspective on the relationship.

Let me pose this question to you, let's say we could diagnose your husband with a personality disorder. How would this change what you're experiencing? How would it change the relationship or your actions? Would it make you feel relieved that there is an identifiable explanation even if he wouldn't seek help? Would he be open to seeing a psychiatrist or a counselor to get treatment?

Based on the information presented, I'm thinking he wouldn't be open to treatment and would probably still deny his responsibility in any of his actions. Your husband is not being accountable to you or the marriage...he's not even being accountable to himself by being responsible and staying out of debt! He's also not engaged in trust building behavior. It is a one way marriage, you being the only one concerned about what is going on.

It sounds like in your heart of hearts, you know exactly what is going on, that it's probably not going to change, and that you can't continue in a relationship like this. I would see if he'll agree to go to couples counseling. If he is, you've got a starting point. If he won't go, or he won't try, then you need to ask yourself if you can accept him the way he is and continue in the marriage and learn to be happy. You can't change him no matter how unhealthy or immature his behavior is. The only person you can change is you and the only one who can decide how much more of this you can take is you.

Divorce is hard. It is very painful. It's like a broken nose, it hurts like hell in the beginning but after it heals, which takes awhile, you're back reshaped, new and strong again. No one marries just to turn around and get a divorce. But sometimes it does happen. Even when it's the right decision, it's still extremely painful and one of the most difficult decisions you'll probably ever make. But you must also consider the long term alternative in staying in your current situation. Can you stay and be happy for the next 50 years like this?

My strongest recommendation is to get yourself to a therapist to take care of you, no matter what you decide. Try to get to a couples therapist with him to work on the marriage. Surround yourself with a good support group and really take some time to figure out what you want and how much you're willing to take.

Good luck.

Let me also add,

Suze Orman says "how we live our life shows up in our finances". The way we construct and manage our financial lives is symptomatic of how we are as people, and I think based on the information you gave, you can see the clear connection.

As for the selfies and pictures of ex girlfriends and porn, he's up to no good and you know it. Usually selfies are taken to be put on profiles online. I don't know anyone who takes selfies just to keep them hidden where no one can see them unless they are extremely self-obsessed. Red flags are going up all over the place (which you already knew) and he clearly is not interested in being held accountable for any these things. Were any of these things apparent while you were dating or engaged?

I mean was he an angel and then once you said "I do" his secret life began to come out?

It's a very tough situation you're in and you really have a lot that you need to deeply reflect on and decide for yourself. I know you love him, but who's loving you? There's no quick answer as to what to do. A google search can yield good and qualified therapists in your area. Whether you decide to stay or go, please get connected with someone who can help you navigate these waters in a healthy way, which can also help minimize the baggage should you decide you've had enough.

Good luck.

I'm not a therapist, but I get the impression that your husband is using porn and pictures to "self-medicate" just like someone else would use alcohol or drugs. He obviously has problems that he doesn't feel capable of solving on his own, so I'm guessing his self-worth is pretty low. His behavior, in my mind, is not showing us anything about his "nature", but rather that he has built some unhealthy coping mechanisms. There are therapies like EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques) that can help him and you also. He, however, would need to be willing to recognize his strategy for dealing with his problems, which is, not dealing with his problems and distracting himself with porn and pictures,is not working. Sometimes, it takes a failed or a threat of a failed marriage to get someone to look at themselves honestly.

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