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Major Jealousy and Lack of Self-Respect
Heads up, this is gonna be a train wreck. I'm 18, a senior in high school, so yeah, it's probably just hormones or something. But I can't take this anymore. I lived in Arizona for most of my life. As i got older, I started to realize that my friends were jerks. I was the kid that nobody liked, but somehow still hung out with the popular kids. Long story short, I got into Green Day and emo punk rock, and told everyone to (explicative) themselves. Ever since, I either alienated everyone I met, or they saw me doing it, thought I was a jerk, and they alienated me. Last summer I moved to Indiana to finish up high school so my parents can pay in-state tuition at Indiana University. Upon coming here, I met a girl who, I'm not afraid to say, I love. The last 3 months with her have changed my life, my grades have sky rocketed, I'm working out for the first time since 8th grade, and I'm, mostly, happy. Mostly. To cut to the chase, she is being recruited for soccer at some smaller schools around here. Last night she went and spent the night with one of her would-be teammates who took her to a frat party. I was 2 hours away. This is a perfect example of my problem. I know this is wrong, but whenever she is off having fun without me, and I mean anything from a frat party to watching a movie at home with a single girl-friend, I get jealous as all hell. I can't help it, and I feel like the world's biggest ass hole, so I haven't opened up to her about it, but i think she suspects it because the day after something big, such as today, she always comments on how I'm in a bad mood. That's only my first problem. My next problem, is that I am what has been referred to MANY times as 'clingy.' Incredibly so, actually. And I enjoy it, I don't wanna change it, I don't see the problem with it, and I want a girl that is the same way. My girl, however, is not. She needs space and A LOT of it. She even commented today about how its a good thing we're going to different schools next year because seeing me between every single class and after school every single day can be too much. (This bothered me immensely, as I was just about to comment on how we didn't see each other enough, but I let her speak first). With everything I've just laid down, I know it seems like I should just end it and we aren't right for each other, but I can't for many reasons. First of all, like I said, this girl has changed my life and given me reason to be happy, something I haven't had in a LONG time, since I don't remember the last time I had more than 3 friends at a time (even in Indiana I still don't have many friends at my new school, despite the fresh start). I don't wanna lose those changes and I feel like without her, I don't have a reason to care about myself enough. Second, something else I've already said, I have no friends here. Without her, I would be totally and completely alone, AGAIN, and I can't bare that anymore, 5 years was more than enough for me. And finally, these bad moments only happen, on average, once a month. We've had 3 bad incidents like this in 3 months. ALL the other times are FANTASTIC. I just can't decide if the good times are worth the bad. Oh, and something else EXTREMELY important, she HATES talking about negative feelings and emotions, which is why I can't open up to her about ANY of this. If our conversation hints at taking a serious, negative talk, she tells me she hates those talks and changes the subject. Thank you for your time, as this message will probably take a lot of it. A response would really mean a lot. Thank you.