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loving someone who is already in love with someone else.

Published on November 9, 2013 by sheangel

I met this guy in september. We were at a atm withdrawing cash, when i left he asked me to wait for him. I did, something i dont do. Stoppibg for a guy while im in a hurry. So we dated. He was working at a trainstation in my town as a wireman. I feel in love with him deeply, i even found out that we have most things in common. One day he asked me my star sign, i told him and he came back telling me that we are a match. When i also checked our horoscopes yes we were a perfect match. It came to a time when he had to leave back to his province. The first day we met he told me that he is seeing someone, i had no problem with it. All i wanted was to have the energy to leave him, cause everytime i told him that im moving on and leaving him, hed beg me not to, hed tell me that he loves me, and he is waiting for the right time for us to date. So i stayed. Now we broke up, he suddenly started to ignore me, when i finally got hold of him he said he doesnt this thing of ours working cause of the long distance. He got back together with the mother of his child and im left like that. What hurts me the most is that he still duz say he loves me and misses me but his problem is that he is seeing someone. We had this connection going on. I still keep telling myself that one day destiny will find its way and we will meet again. Do you think im bluffing myself and wasting my time?

ANSWERS

The man obviously has issues with his ex. You are his girl on the side. If you wait for love or destiny with this man, I think you will miss out on the real love of your life. From the situation you described meeting him, he pursued you. I'm a guy and know as a man it is proper to go after a woman I'm attracted to. However, every man has his reasons: long term relationship, sex, escape from something, love, etc. I think what gets lost is people who are emotionally involved with each other refuse to believe the truth in front of them sometimes. A person's actions dictates his or her intentions. If there is confusion, you ask for clarification. If there is little to no clarification, you either accept or reject what is happening in front of you. That means living with your decision.

My advise would be to forget this guy and concentrate on what makes you happy. Do something physical, get out, and rediscover who you are. Only then can you make the right decision for yourself. Dance, sing, paint, socialize, write, use whatever action verb you like. Work through your emotions, all of them. No matter how hard you try, you cannot force someone to spend time with you or love you. It's like tennis: you hit the ball to your partner, he hits it back. If you find yourself, hitting more balls across the court to him and nothing is coming back, then the game is over. People spend time with the people and activities that matter most to them. Anything else is utter BS.

Yes, you are wasting your time. What is more concerning is that you don't recognize your own value and want to keep yourself hanging around missing out on life and love with people who love you enough to be with you.

This is going to be a tough pill to swallow, but it's a bit of tough love. I know you want to be with him, but he does not love you or else he would choose to be with you. Guys who want to be with a woman will be with the woman. He may not be 100% happy with his other life, but nonetheless, he has chosen that path above you. That is the choice he made and you must recognize that he didn't choose you. And if you continue to wait around for him, you're just showing him he doesn't need to commit because he can have his primary relationship and you'll always been on the side waiting. You may also end up waiting a lifetime.

Is that who you want to be in a relationship? The girl on the side? Think about your own worth and value. Do you believe that you are capable of being loved by someone and being #1 in their life? Why do you accept relationships with people who offer you less?

And going forward, make wiser choices in who you pick to fall for. #1 lesson, do NOT date someone who is involved with someone else, period. Do you like being cheated and two-timed? I'm guessing probably not. And a guy who is willing to cheat with you will be willing to cheat on you. Bad news, stay away.

Stick to dating guys who are completely open and available. It will fare better for you in the end and give your relationship a real shot at thriving.

Prescription: Watch "He's Just Not That Into You" and "The Holiday". You are like Kate Winslett in the Holiday. Get some gumption and act like the leading lady of your own life. The right man will come.

In the meantime, cut ties with the other guy, remind yourself you're worth more, and move on!

-YourTango Expert

Yes! There are two things to consider:

  1. Your integrity - Treat people the way you want to be treated! When you know who you are and what you stand for these decisions become easier. When I take people through my Deal Maker/Deal Breaker process, my clients become crystal clear on their yes and no's for who to partner with!

  2. Consider where your self-esteem is right now and answer your own question as if your self-esteem were a 2 and then as if it were a 10. How do your answers differ? and where are you on the self-esteem scale.

You deserve to have someone show up for you FULLY and with BOTH feet in. Anything less isn't worth your time and you're going to get exactly what you settle for!

I know this is pretty direct, and I hope you also feel my care for your heart in this mess you're in.

Warmly, Leila www.ReclaimYourselfAfterDivorce.com

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