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In love with bestfriend...Where do I stand and what should I do?

Published on September 2, 2010 by lovestruck27

I have been best friends with this girl for around two years now. Our friendship blossomed soon after we finished university and we became very, very close. We started hanging out all the time and we are very "touchy feely"...we cuddle on the couch, and have such same personalities it's unreal! It's no secret that over time we both developed feelings for each other and I am in love with her. She is not so good at talking about feelings and on the several occasions that I have brought it up, she tends to go shy (and she is not a shy person at all). A while back on a night out I asked if she felt the same way for me and she said no, after which she burst into tears because she thought she was going to lose me. Soon after, with a bit of courage she told me that she did have the same feelings for me but she needed more time. Our friendship continued and we've been best friends for a year since then. Our friendship was so strong at one point that we'd message each other all the time, send letters and even buy gifts. We even both agreed that it was like we were in a relationship but we were not. Recently she got a new job in the city and things haven't been the same. She has been quiet but claims its because she's been so busy. When we've talked about our "situation" she's even told me that she's tried dating but she couldn't get me out her mind and that she kept comparing all the guys to me. That told me that she did have feelings and that maybe she needed more time. Anywho, since then we've got drunk once and kissed in a bar after which, she went shy and we didn't talk about it. It's no secret that I am in love with her and i've told her how I feel on several occasions. Recently, a month ago, we were texting whilst I was out and she had begun to notice that I had been a bit quiet. She asked if I was "phasing her out" and at the time I replied "i'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that we are just friends". This was a move I made purely from the pressure I was receiving from friends/family etc saying that it's never going to happen, move on. She took that to mean that I was over her and started telling me that it took this for her to realise how she feels about me. She posted things on facebook like "there's no getting over you". She even told me that the day I mentioned lets just be friends she burst into tears at her friends place and said that I had broke her heart. She even asked me if i was seeing anyone else. That blew over and we spoke several times before she went away on holiday. We agreed to meet up for the first time in months once she was back. When we met up, she was under the impression that we'd just carry on as normal friends but I felt the need to bring the topic up as I think I owe it to myself to say how I feel. I explained that I was not over her but with her being such a closed book, I didn't know how she felt and she has the ability to switch off quite easily so we constantly seem to be yo-yo'ing. She said that she had been listening to others advice and that our friendship freaks her out (as we are very close on all levels) and she's always been unsure of what to do. Anyway, that night we had a few drinks and spoke and everything was back to normal. This time, she was very touchy feely, we cuddled, was just like old times and it felt so good. At the end of the night, I hugged her as normal and looked into her eyes and suddenly mustered up the courage to kiss her. She didn't back off. It was great. We ended up making out for about 20 minutes and it was amazing. It didn't feel unnatural at all given we are best friends. We didn't mention anything about it but met up once more. This time I could tell she was being distant and at the end of the night we just hugged. I sooo badly wanted to kiss her but was unsure of what I was or was not allowed to do! We txted about it and she said "i decided to keep my wits about me till I know whats happening". In regards to the kiss she said "we decided to be friends and then we go and fuck it up (pardon my french)". It's quite obvious that we both have feelings for each other. I'm no way over her, I sort of forced myself to say lets just be friends, but on the positive side, I finally found out how she felt about me. I am crazy in love with this girl. I think she is amazing and when things are not weird and we are together, it's awesome. I really do not know what's stopping her from us taking the next step. I have once mentioned that I can't stop thinking about the time we kissed (probably not a smart move but moreso a rush of blood to the head which made me say it outloud!). She just ignored that message as she quite often tends to do. We also text quite alot but sometimes I message her and she doesn't reply but then a day later will start off a new conversation as if she hasn't been ignoring me. My question here is where do you think I stand and what should I do? I'm going to see this girl in a couple of days but I do not want to make things awkward (well anymore awkward than they are!!). I can't get her off my mind. Should I message her and tell her how I feel and that she needs to decide once and for all and then actually give her some time to think about it? Or should I bring it up when we're together or alternatively should I try to kiss her again and see what happens? I'm so scared of losing her but at the same time I do not want to just be an option. It's not fair on me. As i'm sure she'll prob find it easier to move on than me. For the record some facts: I've never been in a relationship before whereas she has had a few, she is Greek and I am Indian and there is an age difference whereby she is 2 years older than me (although sometimes it seems as i'm the maturer one going by this scenario!). I think it's fair that she decides what she wants instead of leaving me hanging in the balance. What i don't understand is when I say i'm pulling away she tells me all these feelings and when I offer it on the table she becomes undecisive. I'm quite shy but i've opened up to write this and seek advice as i'm having trouble sleeping over this and I think about it all the time. I've become this quiet person which I wasn't before...others have noticed that it's having an effect on me. What do you think? Your comments are appreciated...