0 1


longterm and confused

Published on March 19, 2014 by emaline

OK So I'm 30 and I've been in a monogamous relationship with my man for over a decade, and overall the relationship is great - he's my best friend and the sex is great. Except he (more and more) often mentions how great it'd be to have two girlfriends, and he most often mentions this when we're having sex - which makes me go cold. We've talked about how this makes me feel, lots - it makes me feel uneasy. I'm not against the idea of a threesome, as long as we all benefit - but he's got issues with any girls I become friends with that "seem like lesbians," and he's has made it clear that his real fantasy is that the other girl and I are really all about him. I'm doubtful that I'm even Bi, for that matter.. I'm super attracted to guys.. Everyone has a right to having their own fantasy though and I get that. He mentions other girls a lot, tells me in detail about every random conversation he has or girl he thinks is cute. It's driving me crazy - I have a lot going on right now - just started my Masters and have to move; he's going to start a program that "makes him mysterious to the girls" and we'll likely be long distance for up to a couple of years. Some days we're so close that sometimes its like we're the same person, and we enjoy that too but know that time apart will be super healthy. He says he's cool if I sleep with other guys, if thats what I "need to do" because I have sex-guilt issues from when I was younger... I want to be open minded but I keep getting hurt by the frequent talk and I just don't have the time or energy to deal with this. How can I make this work for both of us?


Have the two of you sat down and talked about what specific rules would come with a threesome? He seems to want an open relationship, but is that what you want?

Dear emaline,

What is confusing you is that you use the good days to talk yourself out of how toxic this relationship has become. The idea of dating someone new after 10 years can be scary and daunting but plenty of people do it at every age and are very successful.

As long as you both want different things: You a monogamous relationship and him a threesome, you will never make things work for the both of you. Don't you think he should be asking how to make things for both of you?

Honestly, he just wants to have his cake and eat it too, and if he's telling you to sleep with other guys, he is NOT committed to this relationship. Tell me, in any of your dreams about your ideal relationship did the guy ask you to hook up with another woman for him or tell you to sleep with other guys? I'm guessing no.

I once had a threesome for a guy I was dating, and it was the worst decision I ever made. I never wanted it in the first place but I thought we were so perfect for each other than I did whatever I felt I needed to do to keep him around and interested, which included disrespecting my own boundaries and twisting myself into such an emotional pretzel I didn't even recognize who I'd become when we finally broke up.

No man should pressure you into doing something you're not comfortable doing to keep him around. Sounds like he wants to play while you want a stable, committed, monogamous relationship. It will be hard to break this off, but you may have to if this is not what you want.

Good luck!

It sounds like your relationship has stalled out, and he might be looking for a way out. Relationships that last 10+ years without moving into a more committed structure tend to fail. Now, that commitment does not have to be the traditional marriage, a house, 2 1/2 kids & a dog, but it does have to be something that both partners define as committed and that meets both people's needs. I wonder if it might be good for you to make a decision about what you are willing to commit to then check in with him to see if it is a good fit for him. If not, even with all the strengths in this relationship, it might be time to move on. Whatever you decide, be true to yourself!