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Long distance GF slept with in-law.

Published on June 7, 2012 by dlgbelleville

We weren't always long distance. We're from the same town, but she had to move for school. She moved in with her cousin and his family. We were apart for a couple years, see each other for 3 months over summer and 1 over winter. Used to fool around on the computer and what have you, but living with her cousin and his family leaves us little privacy. Recently her cousin's brother-in-law (Her cousin-in-law) showed up out of the army and couch surfed. The cousin and his family left for a while. My girlfriend and the brother drank, slept together and she told me right away the next day. We talked, she said that they both determined what they did was disrespectful to me, and they have no feelings for each other. We decided to see if we could work through it, but I made the stupid question of asking if we broke up if she would sleep with him again. We both agreed to full honesty and she said yes. They're still in the same house until part way through the summer, and they're alone together for another month until the rest of the family gets back. They still talk casually, watch TV together, eat meals together like nothing happened. I should never have asked that, but I did and now I feel worse than ever, even after coming so far with our talks. Any advice on how to feel less shitty? I mean I feel crappy, but we both still (say at least) we love each other and want to work through it. But she says the two of them aren't awkward and she doesn't associate any negative status with him. She's very detached from the act, and seems to say she regrets hurting me, but not the actual action she did because she doesn't attach emotions to sex with people she doesn't have feelings for. She also talks about how the wife of her cousin would be upset because it's her brother, but not the rest of her family, and if the cousin found out she could just live with other family members who wouldn't see it 'as a big deal'.

I feel like she doesn't see the action, which is the core of our problem, as a bad thing, but just how I felt after she did it and I worry that she'd only be committed because she'd be afraid to hurt me and if I didn't care, she'd do it again. I talked to her about this, and she says she loves me and she's with me because she wants to be, but it's not really the complete answer I feel like I need.

What can I ask her to really know why she's with me?

ANSWERS

What you have going for you is honesty. As painful as it is for you to hear her admit that she'd sleep with him again if you two were broken up, at least she was honest with you. You probably are going to have a variety of feelings about what happened at least for some time. Let those come up and express them.

You can't change the way she sees what happened or the way she views sex-- you can make sure you are being true to yourself.

Bottom line is that she broke trust and now trust and connection between you two needs to be rebuilt. Think about some agreements that the two of you could make so that she can somehow prove to you that she is honoring your commitment. Look for the follow through as best as you can with the distance. This will help you to know whether or not it's wise to trust her again.

The first thing you need to ask yourself is, "Do I trust her?" It sounds like she has been very direct and honest with you, She was willing to risk the relationship you have by telling you what she did. That should not be taken lightly. If she did not want you in her life she would not do this.

As for the past indiscretion, IT"S OVER! As long as you are still stuck in your head with something that happened in the past you are not present for her. You have wrapped a story around a past circumstance and you're living there. Continue with this and any love that you proclaim is a fantasy... it's a construction of what you want and not what you truly feel right now.

For her the action is over. She made a mistake and she has moved on and she has told you that she wants you in her life. You see the action as the core of the problem which means the real problem is a fear you have that has nothing to do with her. Perhaps it is a fear of abandonment or not being good enough or commitment. Find out what fear you have that is driving your insecurity and then you will have a better idea of what she can say to you for you to resolve the past and live in the present.

Dear Friend ~

I think the question you may want to ask is one to yourself: Why are you really with her? What is the relationship adding to your life? True enough, you will gain invaluable self-growth going through the process of rebuilding trust in a love relationship. But I think it has to start with your commitment to yourself first, and then to your relationship. To find out your level of commitment, you have to ask yourself the big questions. Be honest with yourself in receiving the answers. Then if you decide that you will be committed to rebuilding, you will be confident that you're going to be OK - no matter the outcome of your efforts. You have to take care of yourself FIRST in life to be able to offer your best in any type of relationship.

One thing you can trust about people is that they will be who they are in situations. You can trust that about yourself as well. If you decide to proceed with your rebuilding efforts, I advise that you get in touch with your own self and your divinity to be prepared to come through it the best that you can be. Make a list of what you want and what you don't want in a relationship and in your life - and look it over. Make a list of what you like in your current situation and what you don't like, consider what you've written, and move forward accordingly. Best wishes in moving forward.

I invite you to contact me if this is a process you don't want to go through alone.

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